my Friday conversations with my obnoxious AV
 

So - because I've been drinking for 20 years when I should have been managing a mental health issue, I am at ground zero and now at square one getting help. That's fine. My life is my responsibility and I am ready for it.

Of course, when meeting with my mental health medial professional team yesterday, the first thing I tell them is that I am an alcoholic and very recently stopped drinking cold turkey. That is acknowledged and added into my chart. After three hours of various testing and scales and discussions and what not - I am now diagnosed with blah blah blah disorder. Ok fine.

So IMMEDIATELY right after walking out of the office, my AV barges in and says "see - you aren't an alcoholic! You just have blah blah blah disorder! Get treated and get a glass of wine!"

I'm like - "seriously?!?!? Let's hear what my buddies at SR have to say about this theory."

So AV immediately pulled "self pity" out of its pocket. "Wah Wah Wah - isn't it awful that you can't have a harmless bottle - um I mean - glass of wine??? Poor you! The world has treated you so badly."

I was like "AV - you are TEDIOUS"

Then I went out and met my buddy for a burger. She had two PBRs, I had two gingerales. All is well.

My AV is an as******.

Right there with you Any. The AV in my head keeps chiming in with 'once your anxiety and depression is completely better then it'll be fine to have a drink'. Yes, good idea, once the depression is fixed start having a depressant again!!

Friday night, burger and ginger ales after a hard day. Good going! Keep telling the AV where to go!

I had a similar experience to yours when I first started seeing my therapist in the the spring. Because of this and this disorder, you drank because you didn't know how to deal with the emotions. What did I keep doing because I felt sorry for myself? I kept drinking and STILL WASN'T able to deal with my emotions. It wasn't until I stopped drinking that I could truly look at my life and learn how to cope.

It does get better with time, it really does.

AnyIsTooMuch, that is an awesome achievement! You are recognizing that AV for what it truly is, just that dying addiction pushing any button it can find in your subconscious to convince you that you really do want to drink again.

This really is profound because in this way, your drinking urges have no power over you anymore, they can't somehow persuade you to drink when you have decided you won't. The urges and thoughts come, but they aren't 'yours'. Then they dry up and blow away leaving you sober and just a little pleased with yourself.

Congratulations and thanks for sharing this powerful experience. Onward!

Nightswimming and Anchorbird - Thank you so much for responding about this that you are in similar situations.

I feel like my alcoholism is constantly questioned - and not by me, but by the people around me who in well meaning ways want to help me feel better, but unwittingly undermine my conviction. They use words like "self-medicating" which makes it seem that I was only using alcohol because I had this condition, and skip over the fact that I can't stop drinking once I start. It's as if once I get this condition under control, I can go back to being a normal drinker, and I know deep in my soul that is not the case.

So there is the paradox - I never thought that the people who would send me mixed signals about my recovery would be the people who care most about my wellness! I get that I don't "present as an alcohol" and that I "don't have an addictive personality" and that I am not in a gutter right now because I lost everything to drinking. But this is really hard for me right now. When I say I can't drink, I need people to validate me and say "i agree - you are right, you can never drink again." Not ONE person in my life has agreed with me. Except, of course, my friends from SR.

So that brings me to this - is my problem that I need validation from those around me? Is that my disease trying to keep the window open so I can drink again?

Sorry for dumping - I am clearly self-obsessed right now!

Smiles

Thanks fresh! It's true, with vigilance I can make sure that my drinking urges don't get the best of me. I have worked hard to get to this point - the work ahead is to be committed. To keep reminding myself, to keep WANTING to be sober. But isn't that true for all of us?

Hugs and smiles.

I don't call it a disease, I call it my messed up pleasure drive, but suit yourself. And yes, of course, That's what it does.

And I don't see what is needed as vigilance, because that to me implies some sort of struggle. I see it as simply awareness or mindfulness. As I become aware of my AV through mindfulness, it loses its power, and I am free.

"is my problem that I need validation from those around me? Is that my disease trying to keep the window open so I can drink again?"

YES, your disease is trying to convince you!!! I thought also at first that once I got my emotions under control that I could return to drinking. Notice in my signature that I had a slip. It was more a fall, I blacked out, couldn't stand up, ended up bruising myself up pretty badly and made an ass out of myself.

I did start drinking HEAVILY because of my lack of being able to handle emotions, and it led to me being alcoholic. Plain and simple. There is no getting out of it, I CAN NOT DRINK.

My husband was a little skeptical about me being an alcoholic until my slip. He came right out and said "You are right, you CAN NOT DRINK EVEN A DROP."

I want to get to this point! It feels like a struggle right now, but it is getting easier everyday. Keeping mindful is key, and making sure my emotions don't take over.

Thanks for this. There before the grace of god go I. I needed this. I am really in danger of slipping, except it won't be a slip for me, it will be a long slide...if I've learned anything from my own history.

Besides, honestly - when have I ever had my emotions fully under control! ha ha ha

AnyIs, I am the last person who would claim to be in control of my emotions, and I don't think my life would be very exciting if I were. There would be no thrills or joy or sadness or grief, or any of what I see to be meat in the life sandwich..

I am in control of my actions though, particularly around alcohol. I can be sad or ashamed or depressed or anxious or in deep grief but this has zero to do with alcohol now. Since I quit drinking, I know that these emotions are going to be brief because I believe in myself now. I know that I can meet these challenges, and I always will. I know this in my deepest knowing place because I have decided to quit drinking for good and did it, dammit. If I can do that, I can do almost anything.

You can do it too, I know it.