justinJustQuit

So there was a rule yesterday that we had to stay for 24 hours at a work programming competition. So as I confess to the good things, I must confess to the bad things. there was hard alcohol all around me on my sixth day of sobriety, and it was compulsory that I was there all 24 hours. It literally was a rule.

No excuses i know, but I ended up drinking three beers and taking two shots. (I was drinking a fifth a day when I was drinking) I know it's not enough to put sobriety in jeopardy, but it was enough to scare me. My internal alarms went off, and I was thinking in my head: "Don't fu*king do it dude, you've made it this far.". I did take that first drink, and I realize that that was a terrible decision. That is my fault, and I accept it.

I was drunk off three beers and two shots, but that's not the point. I quit alcohol with no asterisks. I woke up and said "this is it, period". I lied to myself. There is nothing to say to that. I did it. It was untimely in that I had to be there at night where there were around 3 kegs of beer and countless bottles of booze.

Call it untimely, call it a lapse in judgment, call it weakness... all are true. But the point of me quitting drinking is of utmost importance to me (and my family).

I tied my record for sobriety. If I hadn't been in this unfortunate situation, I would have been perfectly fine at home with my wife. But I wasn't. Now I feel terrible. I will redouble my efforts tomorrow, but honestly I havent slept since 5:30 yesterday. (nothing related to alcohol, that was part of the competition. Google "hackathon" and you'll get the picture)

I will hope to beat my record of sobriety starting tomorrow. It's a sinking feeling. Even though I wasn't my normal "hammered", I felt like I had lied to myself. I felt like I was over the worst of it. I wasn't. The chemical reactions in your brain are powerful. Beating alcohol is much much more than physical symptoms. You must beat them. Find a different dopamine release in the brain like working out.

I write this long novel to anyone who is in my situation. Please, don't take the first drink. That's when you're powerless... If you don't take the first drink, nothing has control of you.

Dee74

at least you're back Justin

I guess my question is what are you going to do next time your work has one of these 24 hour competition deals?

D

Django

I would call it not being in denial and realizing you made a mistake to which you can put it right.Get back up dust yourself off and get back on the horse :-)

Toffee1

You won't be the first to relapse ant you won't be the last. It is part of the learning process BUT you must learn from it. For example

Why did you take the first drink?
Could you do anything different next time?
Did you have a plan to avoid alcohol?
What about the next social event where alcohol is freely available?
Could you call anyone prior to drinking?
In your mind what is different between being at home with your wife and being there?

Many people relapse and go on to a better life of sobriety, I hope you can be one of them. Good luck

justinJustQuit

I think the reason I drank was because it was my first week in recovery and people were drinking all around me. The people on my team are home brewers and really want you to taste what they made so that makes it worse.

That was the last event since I start a new job January 13th.

I'm just glad that event is over because now I dont have hurdles until Christmas.

malcolmsloan

I hear you about the early temptations, Justin. How about calling it, "learning?" Like you are doing, breaking down what happened, why, and how to avoid it in the future? I think it is commendable that you jumped right back here and talked about it. Good for you for not turning it into a massive bender. I remember relapsing in the past and it lead me to, "oh well, might as well go big until I start again" thinking. I say, learn, and get back to the sober work.

LiaAc

I hear ya there, too. I don't know what I would have done on day 6 of my sobriety had I gone to work, and found bottles upon bottles of pills everywhere....with pills a-plenty being passed my way. I shudder to think what a day like that must have been for you. The one thing you wanted to avoid is the one thing around you everywhere.

I can't add anything that hasn't already been said other than my personal encouragement. You did it, it's over. If you take a lesson from it, it will not be in vain.

justinJustQuit

I have learned from the past as far as that goes. I'd get hammered because I was pissed off about something and would say "fu*k it, I'm going to have to detox again anyway so might as well enjoy for a few days." But then I realized I felt like crap everyday and the detox for me is worse the more days in a row you drink.

Lifeisforliving

Thanks for the post, Justin. I had a lapse Thursday night myself and got my butt back here yesterday. You're back too. That's progress in my book.

bigsombrero

Maybe you can try and make your lifestyle fit your commitment to sobriety. Not the other way around.

KateL

I had lots of relapses before quitting for good. Don't beat yourself up. You did so well to keep it to a minimum. I could never have done that.

freshstart57

You might want to approach this differently next time, Justin, if you are looking for a different result. Was it a surprise to you to find all that alcohol there?

For me, I found it essential to have a plan before going to an event like that one. Plan your time, look at eventualities, situations that you know will come up and decide in advance how you are going to react to them. Have an escape routine you can run. Have a plan B.

Make sobriety your goal, and make your plan about how you are going to achieve it. It might be hard at times, but not too hard. And you can do hard. You can do it.

ScottFromWI

Glad you decided to come back and admit your drinking. As others have mentioned, what do you plan on changing moving forward? There are always going to be situations in life where it seems drinking is obligatory, no matter where you work or live. You will either need to learn to deal with them or not attend.

If I were you, I'd be a bit concerned about your second paragraph where you seem to downplay the drinking as it wasn't as much as you "normally" drank. You also state "I know its not enough to put my sobriety in jeapordy". I don't know about you but a few beers and a few shots sounds like drinking to me. See it for what it was...drinking.

justinJustQuit

Those are all good points. Yes it was drinking no doubt. I was more or less saying that because I DID stop before getting blackout drunk. That doesn't mean I intend to "drink a little" when I go out in the future. That would be a bad idea obviously.

By saying it didn't put sobriety in jeopardy, I was meaning that I don't plan on going on a week long bender or anything. It was a slip up that cannot happen again. Its over and I learned from it.

In the future, I am not going to volunteer to be a part of these events. I did not know there would be alcohol until a couple days beforehand so that didnt help either. No more night activities for me for a while.

suntastic

Justin- I am sorry to hear your story, as I remember you on day five and how worried you were about making it through day six... If it helps, last week when I first (again) decided to get sober for real, I made it to the sixth day, then I had a small drink and had to start over again as well. It is good to hear you say you are gonna' pick yourself back up and try again. That's exactly what you have to do. The first week I got serious about quiting, I was very enthusiastic, excited, and motivated... then for no reason, I drank. The next couple days after that I felt very bad about myself... but used those feelings to motivate me to stand back up and try again... the disappointment you feel with yourself right now, will fade, so long as you try again. I did the very same thing, and here I am, the next week and I made it to day 8! Keep trying! It's worth it! One bad day doesn't mean the rest of them have to be that way.