Obsessions coming back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Obsessions coming back
Just wanted to put this out there to call myself out. I am 3 1/2 months into my sobriety 27th is month 4. I have moved mountains and come so far in all aspects of my life.
I have bee quite resolved with not drinking ever again and embracing a sober lifestyle. The 1 day at a time does not work for me as you will see.
I have been going to AA meetings and working the steps with my sponsor - the relationship is unconventional, as he has not finished all his steps (was the first person I spoke with at a meeting) and asked his sponsor if he could be mine. I related to him at first based on similar high bottom quits etc.
Recently, I have been put off by a rather militant style of sponsoring from my sponsor's sponsor and this week, we are reading step one there is a solution and it compares the moderate, hard and "real alcoholic." The meeting was focused on a bunch of hard core drug addicts talking about stealing from their parents and doing it over and over again and they were sort of cheered on, as "real alcoholics or addicts." Whereas, I relate to the moderate transitioning to a hard drinker. This mindset has allowed the idea or concept of drinking again, bc maybe I am not a "real alcoholic," as the BB defines it (I relate to a type #2 drinking in the wives section of the BB).
This has allowed the obsession to return for the first time in a couple months. I need to get a new sponsor and this is creating tons of anxiety - I feel like I splept with a virgin, given I am his first spondee and so I am now wondering how he is going to handle this. On top of that I feel like I have taken a major step backwards in my program and am distancing myself subconsciously so that I can rationalize drinking again - there said it!
Anyhow, I wanted to put this out there to sort of call myself out.
I have bee quite resolved with not drinking ever again and embracing a sober lifestyle. The 1 day at a time does not work for me as you will see.
I have been going to AA meetings and working the steps with my sponsor - the relationship is unconventional, as he has not finished all his steps (was the first person I spoke with at a meeting) and asked his sponsor if he could be mine. I related to him at first based on similar high bottom quits etc.
Recently, I have been put off by a rather militant style of sponsoring from my sponsor's sponsor and this week, we are reading step one there is a solution and it compares the moderate, hard and "real alcoholic." The meeting was focused on a bunch of hard core drug addicts talking about stealing from their parents and doing it over and over again and they were sort of cheered on, as "real alcoholics or addicts." Whereas, I relate to the moderate transitioning to a hard drinker. This mindset has allowed the idea or concept of drinking again, bc maybe I am not a "real alcoholic," as the BB defines it (I relate to a type #2 drinking in the wives section of the BB).
This has allowed the obsession to return for the first time in a couple months. I need to get a new sponsor and this is creating tons of anxiety - I feel like I splept with a virgin, given I am his first spondee and so I am now wondering how he is going to handle this. On top of that I feel like I have taken a major step backwards in my program and am distancing myself subconsciously so that I can rationalize drinking again - there said it!
Anyhow, I wanted to put this out there to sort of call myself out.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
It's great that you recognize this and put it out there. You know that you know that you know that drinking is NOT okay for you. You know that, even though it becomes uncomfortable at time, it is important to continue to plod along until you get past the harder parts.
Three and a half months is wonderful, and congratulations! However, it is still considered early sobriety, and that is the hardest part. You can get past these obsessions and it sounds like you are making plans on how to do that. Kudos for coming here and getting it out. (((HUGS)))
Three and a half months is wonderful, and congratulations! However, it is still considered early sobriety, and that is the hardest part. You can get past these obsessions and it sounds like you are making plans on how to do that. Kudos for coming here and getting it out. (((HUGS)))
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I think it's common to question one's "alcoholism" or what kind of alcoholic you are in early recovery...regardless of the program. It's how our addiction works, with it always looking for a crack in our recovery armour.
You didn't stop drinking because you thought you met some definition of an alcoholic did you? No, you quit because you knew you had a problem and that problem was only going to get worse if you keep drinking. The definitions, the comparisons, came later
Your resolve may waiver, you may have doubts about continuing your recovery. But one thing has not changed...the reason you quit. So stay strong, stay quit.
And good luck with the sponsor issues.
You didn't stop drinking because you thought you met some definition of an alcoholic did you? No, you quit because you knew you had a problem and that problem was only going to get worse if you keep drinking. The definitions, the comparisons, came later
Your resolve may waiver, you may have doubts about continuing your recovery. But one thing has not changed...the reason you quit. So stay strong, stay quit.
And good luck with the sponsor issues.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Have you checked out BB study meetings? Not sure if that is the meeting you describe. Those tend to stay in the solution and steps and not have people sharing war and glory stories of their drunk days.
I'd just tell your sponsor you feel you need someone who's completed the steps, and that you are going to seek a new sponsor. If you say this respectfully, you've handled your end correctly. If he has issues with it, that is for HIM to address with HIS sponsor. We are not in control of the reactions and responses of others, only in our part.
You must put your sobriety and recovery first.
Good that you've picked up on what's going on now, and can address it.
Even when we are obsessing, we don't have to pick up a drink. Glad you posted here, hope you have some AA friends you can call as well. The solution is in the program, some meetings can distract us if their focus in on other things.
Do not drink because of a poor sponsor...HE does not control your reactions either.
I'd just tell your sponsor you feel you need someone who's completed the steps, and that you are going to seek a new sponsor. If you say this respectfully, you've handled your end correctly. If he has issues with it, that is for HIM to address with HIS sponsor. We are not in control of the reactions and responses of others, only in our part.
You must put your sobriety and recovery first.
Good that you've picked up on what's going on now, and can address it.
Even when we are obsessing, we don't have to pick up a drink. Glad you posted here, hope you have some AA friends you can call as well. The solution is in the program, some meetings can distract us if their focus in on other things.
Do not drink because of a poor sponsor...HE does not control your reactions either.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Hey dooner I don't think there is a person here who hasn't questioned their sobriety. It took me a very long time to come to peace with all of this. I can not offer any AA advise but in sure others will.
As far as the rationalizing drinking, every single one of us has done this. And those who've heeded the rationalizations have returned with bleak stories. When I was right about where you are now I took a break from my support system (SR). I'd given my self 101 reasons why drinking again could be ok. And i almost did it. But it was just 1 little reason that was enough to keep me from drinking that day end everyday forward. My one little reason is because I'm worth so much more then drinking ever allowed me to be. Find your one reason that screams louder then any AV.
Proud of you for posting what your going through. We're all here for you. And remember it can't rain forever the sun always SHINES......sunshine.
As far as the rationalizing drinking, every single one of us has done this. And those who've heeded the rationalizations have returned with bleak stories. When I was right about where you are now I took a break from my support system (SR). I'd given my self 101 reasons why drinking again could be ok. And i almost did it. But it was just 1 little reason that was enough to keep me from drinking that day end everyday forward. My one little reason is because I'm worth so much more then drinking ever allowed me to be. Find your one reason that screams louder then any AV.
Proud of you for posting what your going through. We're all here for you. And remember it can't rain forever the sun always SHINES......sunshine.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
The addict living in my head also loves to hear stories about how other people drank more than I did and/or suffered more as a result. I went back to drinking many times over the years because I wasn't a 'real' alcoholic like they were.
Then I noticed that every time I went back to the rooms, the gap between their stories and mine got a little bit narrower. If I persisted I could eventually have the worst stories of anyone in the room. Now there's a noble goal! [NOT!]
Good for you for recognizing what was going on and taking action to head it off.
Then I noticed that every time I went back to the rooms, the gap between their stories and mine got a little bit narrower. If I persisted I could eventually have the worst stories of anyone in the room. Now there's a noble goal! [NOT!]
Good for you for recognizing what was going on and taking action to head it off.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I had a similar experience twice, late 20's and late 30's…both times I measured my experiences against a yardstick that in retrospect was the wrong instrument…for me. Because of a similar experience to the one you just described both times I went back out because my story was so different and I didn't relate. Unfortunately, forums like SR didn't exist, so I was sort of caught in the middle.
It wasn't love at first sight with me and the bottle, my story unfolded over time, and while there were blips on the map, when I was busy or interested in something important to me drinking got relegated to the background. But, in the last 5 years I was leaning on it. In being successful, I also created a perfect lifestyle in which to drink without major consequences. I had a why not mentality, I will sit back and rest on my laurels. But that does't jive with who I am, and that became really really uncomfortable. So much so that I got off my rear and checked into rehab.
You probably could ride the elevator down a few more floors, I think I could. But I believe that at the end that ride speeds up precipitously…and now you can't say you didn't know.
Something I had to come to terms with is that ANY recovery method's definition of what alcoholism is, is still external, not me. It can't deter me from the fact that alcohol was causing problems in my life. If I was in jail for extortion surrounded by people who were in for murder it still doesn't negate my experience and my responsibility.
I made the mistake before of thinking that my sobriety was an either/or premise based on
what external factors told me an alcoholic was. From your post it sounds to me like you might be in the same struggle. This time around I have owned what is best for me, it is my life. I don't think you are heading for a relapse, you sound to stubborn (
) and forthright, I think that is important. I would continue to talk about it, stay open to possibilities, and continue to ask for help..sometimes it comes from the most unlikely places.
It wasn't love at first sight with me and the bottle, my story unfolded over time, and while there were blips on the map, when I was busy or interested in something important to me drinking got relegated to the background. But, in the last 5 years I was leaning on it. In being successful, I also created a perfect lifestyle in which to drink without major consequences. I had a why not mentality, I will sit back and rest on my laurels. But that does't jive with who I am, and that became really really uncomfortable. So much so that I got off my rear and checked into rehab.
You probably could ride the elevator down a few more floors, I think I could. But I believe that at the end that ride speeds up precipitously…and now you can't say you didn't know.
Something I had to come to terms with is that ANY recovery method's definition of what alcoholism is, is still external, not me. It can't deter me from the fact that alcohol was causing problems in my life. If I was in jail for extortion surrounded by people who were in for murder it still doesn't negate my experience and my responsibility.
I made the mistake before of thinking that my sobriety was an either/or premise based on
what external factors told me an alcoholic was. From your post it sounds to me like you might be in the same struggle. This time around I have owned what is best for me, it is my life. I don't think you are heading for a relapse, you sound to stubborn (
) and forthright, I think that is important. I would continue to talk about it, stay open to possibilities, and continue to ask for help..sometimes it comes from the most unlikely places.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 304
Originally Posted by jdooner 
Just wanted to put this out there to call myself out. I am 3 1/2 months into my sobriety 27th is month 4. I have moved mountains and come so far in all aspects of my life.
I have bee quite resolved with not drinking ever again and embracing a sober lifestyle. The 1 day at a time does not work for me as you will see.
I have been going to AA meetings and working the steps with my sponsor - the relationship is unconventional, as he has not finished all his steps (was the first person I spoke with at a meeting) and asked his sponsor if he could be mine. I related to him at first based on similar high bottom quits etc.
Recently, I have been put off by a rather militant style of sponsoring from my sponsor's sponsor and this week, we are reading step one there is a solution and it compares the moderate, hard and "real alcoholic." The meeting was focused on a bunch of hard core drug addicts talking about stealing from their parents and doing it over and over again and they were sort of cheered on, as "real alcoholics or addicts." Whereas, I relate to the moderate transitioning to a hard drinker. This mindset has allowed the idea or concept of drinking again, bc maybe I am not a "real alcoholic," as the BB defines it (I relate to a type #2 drinking in the wives section of the BB).
This has allowed the obsession to return for the first time in a couple months. I need to get a new sponsor and this is creating tons of anxiety - I feel like I splept with a virgin, given I am his first spondee and so I am now wondering how he is going to handle this. On top of that I feel like I have taken a major step backwards in my program and am distancing myself subconsciously so that I can rationalize drinking again - there said it!
Anyhow, I wanted to put this out there to sort of call myself out.
I have bee quite resolved with not drinking ever again and embracing a sober lifestyle. The 1 day at a time does not work for me as you will see.
I have been going to AA meetings and working the steps with my sponsor - the relationship is unconventional, as he has not finished all his steps (was the first person I spoke with at a meeting) and asked his sponsor if he could be mine. I related to him at first based on similar high bottom quits etc.
Recently, I have been put off by a rather militant style of sponsoring from my sponsor's sponsor and this week, we are reading step one there is a solution and it compares the moderate, hard and "real alcoholic." The meeting was focused on a bunch of hard core drug addicts talking about stealing from their parents and doing it over and over again and they were sort of cheered on, as "real alcoholics or addicts." Whereas, I relate to the moderate transitioning to a hard drinker. This mindset has allowed the idea or concept of drinking again, bc maybe I am not a "real alcoholic," as the BB defines it (I relate to a type #2 drinking in the wives section of the BB).
This has allowed the obsession to return for the first time in a couple months. I need to get a new sponsor and this is creating tons of anxiety - I feel like I splept with a virgin, given I am his first spondee and so I am now wondering how he is going to handle this. On top of that I feel like I have taken a major step backwards in my program and am distancing myself subconsciously so that I can rationalize drinking again - there said it!
Anyhow, I wanted to put this out there to sort of call myself out.
I am now considering aa and I am really loathing the idea of looking for a meeting. I am still early in my sobriety and find myself "comparing" a lot.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by jdooner
... Whereas, I relate to the moderate transitioning to a hard drinker. This mindset has allowed the idea or concept of drinking again, bc maybe I am not a "real alcoholic," as the BB defines it (I relate to a type #2 drinking in the wives section of the BB).
This has allowed the obsession to return for the first time in a couple months. I need to get a new sponsor and this is creating tons of anxiety - I feel like I splept with a virgin, given I am his first spondee and so I am now wondering how he is going to handle this. On top of that I feel like I have taken a major step backwards in my program and am distancing myself subconsciously so that I can rationalize drinking again - there said it!
Anyhow, I wanted to put this out there to sort of call myself out.
This has allowed the obsession to return for the first time in a couple months. I need to get a new sponsor and this is creating tons of anxiety - I feel like I splept with a virgin, given I am his first spondee and so I am now wondering how he is going to handle this. On top of that I feel like I have taken a major step backwards in my program and am distancing myself subconsciously so that I can rationalize drinking again - there said it!
Anyhow, I wanted to put this out there to sort of call myself out.
Using such problem-solving thinking in mind, your present sponsor, his sponsor, and their reactions to your progressive responsibilities to your program development are not your working problem. Your angst being created by defining your "breaking up" with them pointedly indicates how dynamically attached you are to feeling comfortable with others as much as you can manage. You've decided the so-called breakup is an event worthy of causing you problems. This thinking requires you to justify yourself so as to be a "nice guy" at your expense. This then opens you to more justifications for keeping all that angst energized... sooner or later its just a matter of time before the justifications get out of hand and without really knowing why, you'll start to find it difficult to focus on anything if it doesn't have a sense of angst for you.
Of course, all this is my opinion, lol.
I suggest you don't accept that your considering not being a real alcoholic. It doesn't matter if you are or are not - what matters is quitting and staying quit. Don't waste your sober life figuring out what is a "real alcoholic" - your now sharing your obsessional thinking has returned, and this alone is enough of a red flag.
It is a sad fact that not everybody who quits stays quit. Nonetheless, we each must decide for ourselves what justifies struggling with whatever when that said struggle doesn't help us be all that we can be in our sober lives. I have years of sobriety, and in those years I have sadly watched too many others not themselves also have years of sobriety. They just wouldn't get past their problems, for whatever reasons they thought important, and at the cost of their sobriety. It is important we are helpful to ourselves first and then to others after ourselves. To do otherwise is to invite a sure return to drinking, imo.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Thank you for all your posts. Robby I had to read yours a few times to understand the process and it does make sense.
I met with my therapist for an hour. It felt great to chat about all this. I believe I have become complacent and comfortable in my recovery. I have my step meetings with my current sponsor Tuesday and Friday nights, meetings on Sunday and Wednesday nights - same meetings and then therapy Fridays. I have outgrown this routine and need to shake it up a bit and your posts seem to reinforce this concept too.
I will leave my sponsor tonight, find another meeting tonight, I have a temp sponsor who is a friend and volunteered to be a temp sponsor while I am in transition. I think going to some other meetings in other towns and cities will be helpful for diversity and find someone I relate with. Hmm...I should develop a Match.com for sponsorship????
I realize I am and addict and an alcoholic whatever my bottom is...I don't want to drink, despite there being a little voice saying you really do want to. Its amazing to me that as I left a small crack open how fragile my solid foundation really was. I mean I did not break down but instantly my mind became flooded with the idea and then the rationalization, then how nice it would be to have a glass of wine in my cozy home all decorated then forget the wine have a martini, then forget one have 4 martinis then I started to wonder if I could handle adding some coke and strippers. So yeah, I got it, I am an alcoholic/addict and know my rational brain can't handle what the first drink does to me.
thanks all.
I met with my therapist for an hour. It felt great to chat about all this. I believe I have become complacent and comfortable in my recovery. I have my step meetings with my current sponsor Tuesday and Friday nights, meetings on Sunday and Wednesday nights - same meetings and then therapy Fridays. I have outgrown this routine and need to shake it up a bit and your posts seem to reinforce this concept too.
I will leave my sponsor tonight, find another meeting tonight, I have a temp sponsor who is a friend and volunteered to be a temp sponsor while I am in transition. I think going to some other meetings in other towns and cities will be helpful for diversity and find someone I relate with. Hmm...I should develop a Match.com for sponsorship????
I realize I am and addict and an alcoholic whatever my bottom is...I don't want to drink, despite there being a little voice saying you really do want to. Its amazing to me that as I left a small crack open how fragile my solid foundation really was. I mean I did not break down but instantly my mind became flooded with the idea and then the rationalization, then how nice it would be to have a glass of wine in my cozy home all decorated then forget the wine have a martini, then forget one have 4 martinis then I started to wonder if I could handle adding some coke and strippers. So yeah, I got it, I am an alcoholic/addict and know my rational brain can't handle what the first drink does to me.
thanks all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Good for you, JDooner! You are very proactive and thoughtful and you obviously want to get this sobriety thing right. Our October class got on the ever controversial "alcoholic" label. This was my response:
I don't like the word alcoholic. It is a very loaded word with a lot of different connotations. Do we call someone who does heroin a heroinaholic?? For the rest of his life??? My mother drank like a "normal" drinker for most of her lifetime. Now she doesn't. So is she or isn't she an alcoholic??? Alcohol is an addictive drug that isn't good for anyone. It has the very strong propensity for being abused. I am a non-drinker and I am proud to be a non-drinker.
I have come to terms with me + alcohol = unpredictable; me + alcohol gives alcohol control over me. I don't like either equation. 45 minutes of the initial happy buzz of any session with alcohol is not worth all the fallout and side effects. So, I am doing everything in my power to say good-bye to it forever. (and it is not lost on me how much harder alcohol has been to quit versus anything else that I have quit that is unhealthy for me) The latest part of my plan is self hypnosis recordings that I listen to before I fall asleep every night. I am over two months sober and my cravings have gone down significantly since I started listening to them.
I don't like the word alcoholic. It is a very loaded word with a lot of different connotations. Do we call someone who does heroin a heroinaholic?? For the rest of his life??? My mother drank like a "normal" drinker for most of her lifetime. Now she doesn't. So is she or isn't she an alcoholic??? Alcohol is an addictive drug that isn't good for anyone. It has the very strong propensity for being abused. I am a non-drinker and I am proud to be a non-drinker.
I have come to terms with me + alcohol = unpredictable; me + alcohol gives alcohol control over me. I don't like either equation. 45 minutes of the initial happy buzz of any session with alcohol is not worth all the fallout and side effects. So, I am doing everything in my power to say good-bye to it forever. (and it is not lost on me how much harder alcohol has been to quit versus anything else that I have quit that is unhealthy for me) The latest part of my plan is self hypnosis recordings that I listen to before I fall asleep every night. I am over two months sober and my cravings have gone down significantly since I started listening to them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by anyistoomuch
JD - can you find another meeting? One thing we can give ourselves as alcoholics are choices of which meeting to go to! The same for sponsors. You are humble enough to know you need help, but I think you should also empower yourself to get the help you need. The obsession to drink now sounds more like a disappointment with how this meeting is going...
I am now considering aa and I am really loathing the idea of looking for a meeting. I am still early in my sobriety and find myself "comparing" a lot.
I am now considering aa and I am really loathing the idea of looking for a meeting. I am still early in my sobriety and find myself "comparing" a lot.
Beginner meetings are more ra ra clapping for sharing and handing out chips. Also helpful to find a sponsor. Step meetings and study meetings I find useful as they can help you relate to stories in the book.
For me its clear, I have sort of outgrown my program and need to change some of the variables to get me growing again. I have hit a grease patch and spun my wheels and need some traction - challenge myself. I have known this but but hesitant to address and now its clear. Change is coming.
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