My story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 13
My story
Well this is my story. First time ever speaking, telling it or even putting it on paper. As a soldier and having a personality like mine it's not easy for me to open up. I don't really expect anyone to read this but I want to let it out. Hopefully it will relieve some pain and help me move in a positive way in my life. And act as some for of therapy. As I tell this story keep in mind I have endless love for my mom, my dad, and my brother. They're my family and I will always love. I have learned strengths from them and will carry the lessons they taught me throughout my life. As a young boy I spoke only when I had something important to say. I was very reserved and perfectly content by myself. Doing for myself what I could and what I could for others. I had a very deep interest and link to Native American ways, teachings and beliefs. I think it is a connection to my ancestors. Still do. In a way I think it is one of my past lives. I developed many hobbies, interests, things to fill my time but this was something that was and still is part of my being. Living on a farm as a young boy I spent most of my days out in the woods entertaining myself and trying to mimic the things I read and saw in movies and shows about the American Indian. Well trauma started early in my life with my paternal aunt dying throwing my dad into deep depression. Leading him to drugs and alcohol. Shortly after tragedy found us once more with him going to prison for drugs. This was the first dark moment I remember. I was very sad and felt alone. Often pouring myself and TV shows and hobbies. This is when my family life turned upside down. My mom tried keeping our family together on her own on top of dealing with her own depression and loneliness. Not long after my dad came home my material grandmother who took care of me and my brother when were young. This was devastating to my mom. She was angry at the world and depressed. Soon she also found solace and drugs. Anyway of dampening the trauma she just experienced. My father with the addictive personality he also has he began using drugs again too. My brother being in this midteens was already experimenting with drugs. He was soon out-of-control and causing constant conflict within my family. I internalized my worries and fears, needs and concerns, and stowing away in my room to avoid getting in the way of these fights. I think it was a way of remaining blissfully unaware of the problems in my household. After reaching a certain age I found myself getting in the middle of it, trying to stop the conflict, trying to make a happy home. Once I finally reach my teenage years and made friends I spent most of my time with them. However I often found myself feeling awkward and out of place. I did make one very good lifelong friend. And we spent almost all of our time together for many many years. The conflict my family continued with my brother and the drug use got even worse. My home life was becoming a wreck. the house was almost always trashed. My parents didn't have the energy to clean up after my brother's destructive path. After a while I was pulled into the depression not being able to escape from it. I then began using drugs myself. I started using drugs originally to mask the pain and to give myself some sense of well-being and being accepted among my peers. It took the edge off of the anxiety and about what people thought of me and the constant conflict within my family. My brother was often a huge embarrassment for me. One morning I woke my mother waking me up and seeing a cop with his pistol at the low ready. She told me that my brother had threatened suicide and was extremely high on drugs. He took his rifle and ran off into the woods and so she called the cops. The responding officer called the swat team and to help resolve the situation. This was hugely embarrassing for me being a high school student and already feeling unaccepted and awkward among my peers. I believe this is the start of my downward spiral. So I started using more and more drugs, and struggled with high school. Barely graduated but some how managed. Upon graduation the entire family moved up north to be close to my remaining family. Being away from all my friends and being very shy and reserved just made a very very difficult for me to meet new people. Only deepening my depression even more. A conflict between my family continue to grow. I often spent days in my room only leaving for food and drugs. During this time I grew very close to my native American beliefs and values. Honestly just struggling to survive. I believe my constant search to find meaning in life helped me hold on from day to day. Not long after we moved up north my brother went to prison for almost 2 years and during this time. I strived and gave everything I had to make something of myself. To pull myself out of this horrible situation. Since my parents did not have to concern themselves with his constant problems. This gave me the opportunity to focus on myself. However I was very unsuccessful. I did not have the life skills and experiences to pull myself out of the depression and drug use. To reintegrate within the normal society. Because I isolated myself for so long I was very detached and disassociated from others. During this time, this miserable three years that I lived in this town I never made a single friend. I remember like yesterday I was driving home and i'm getting a call from the doctors office stating that they had caught the fake prescriptions we used as our drug source. Right then and there I realized my life is about to change for better or worse. After weeks and weeks of laying in bed recovering from opiate withdrawals. I slowly began thinking about joining the U.S. Army as an infantryman and following in my grandfathers footsteps. Something I had always dreamed of. This would be my way out, this would be the opportunity. It was now or never. Even after making a decision and waiting to ship off for basic training I struggled and struggled. And drinking more and more. Had anxiety about leaving my parents house for the first time and being surrounded by people I did not know. However I was very excited to have a chance to do something honorable and to be proud of myself. Basic training was a struggle but I managed. Just as soon as I graduated i started drinking very heavily reinforced by the soldiers I served with. But I know I did not drink just to have a good time. I drink because I still felt awkward and unaccepted. I did most of my drinking in my barracks room. This is leading up to my deployment to Afghanistan in 2010. This is wad my chance to experience war and combat. The moment every young boy romanizes about. To prove myself to myself. See what I was made of and test my mettle. My family came up to see me a few days before I left for overseas. On the day that I left and we said our sobbing goodbyes. My dad said something to me that I will never forget. As I hugged him and we both began to cry. I told him I would make him proud, he responded with "just make yourself proud". This touched me deeper than anything anyone has ever said. It is still the advice that I have to remind myself to take.that at the end of the day it only matters what I think of myself. The place that we deployed to and the pech river Valley at the mouth of the korengal valley was probably one of the worst areas of operation in Afghanistan at the time. I as well as others found endless excitement in the constant fire fights and attacks. Just like the Lakota Indians, I wanted to walk as closely to death as possible and live to tell the story as the victor. I believe this was the first time I felt any other emotion other than depression and feeling unaccepted. One day while pulling the six hour guard shift in a tower overlooking the surrounding area of our combat outpost. I began searching my soul for what I wanted out of life and what would make me happy. How to finally find happiness in my life. I soon for the first time in a long time felt the presence of god in my life, he would soon answer my prayer. My two weeks of rest and recuperation was soon coming up. When out of the blue one of my old friend and crushes from high school started messaging me on Facebook. We continued sending messages back and forth as I can started my long journey home. I want to believe that this could be something romantic. However I kept my expectations low fearing that I would only be disappointed and rejected. However she asked me if I wanted to meet up for dinner and drinks. And like a godsend I found the woman that enjoyed spending time with me. We developed a romantic relationship over the two weeks I was home. And then I suddenly realized that it was time to return to finish the nine months that I had left in country. This was easily the most depressing times ever. For I had just found what I was searching for. And now had to leave for nine months. However we kept communication going and over the nine months with her closer and closer. But during these nine months I also experience multiple tragedies. Had multiple friends killed and injured. This was sad to me but it's also like I felt nothing. I knew I was supposed to feel sad and morn their death. But I was mostly just numb. And when I did display emotion it was anger. But I managed to make it home in there waiting for me as I got off the plane was the beautiful woman that I had dreamed of coming home too. She was there waiting to greet, hug and kiss me. I honestly couldn't believe such a beautiful wonderful woman waited nine months and was there waiting for me. This was easily the highlight of my life. This was what I longed for all those long days and nights locked up in my bedroom alone. Shortly after we were married and I was living the dream. We even have a beautiful golden retriever. Coming home after long days work to a beautiful woman and a beautiful home. I was careful not to drink like I used to. But still the numbness and detached emotions continued. I felt like something was missing and this bothered me greatly. It scared me that I may never find was I was looking for. I was very restless and always had a feeling of discontent. I was always grateful for the things I had and gave thanks often but still I was missing something. I moved up thru the ranks fast and became a well respected soldier and leader. Earning many awards and decorations for my efforts. But shortly after graduating sniper school I sustained a back injury and couldn't train. Feeling very worthless not only as a soldier but a man. For in my mind I was not earning my living. This disempowered me and I became depressed. I slow but surly took up heavy drinking again. Me and my wife fought often but we survived. We nearly divorce many time but I managed to change her mind. But this yearning for my missing piece still nagged at my heart and I drowned it with alcohol. I felt the familiar feeling of knowing that I would soon have to give up the vice and keep what i love so much or choose the bottle. After hearing a talk radio talk about soul loss and soul retrieval my hopes were lifted and my stress relieved. This explained in great detail the emotions I've felt for so long. I even cried, knowing that someone can identify with me and help me was what I had been searching for. I have made a great move towards the positive but I know I still need spiritual help to regain my missing pieces. But I have given up drinking and I'm repairing my relationship with my precious wife. I will always be grateful for the struggles I have endured for they have all taught me valuable lessons. It is high time for me to work on me and learn to live my life. Be present in the moment. Live my life, love my life and perfect all things in my life. And just simply let myself enjoy all I've worked for bc it has not come easy. For all the blessings I have been bestowed I am eternally grateful.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,377
Thanks for sharing your story with us WMR...I'm glad that in the end it bought you to where you are today 
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I moved it from our Daily Support Forum (which is only for the continuation of existing threads) to our main Newcomers Forum where you will find more responses.
D
. I moved it from our Daily Support Forum (which is only for the continuation of existing threads) to our main Newcomers Forum where you will find more responses.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 145
WMR:
Yours is one of the truly most beautiful stories I have ever read. Solace is hard to find. Beauty is hard to find. Peace is hard to find. All I can recommend is that you take time for yourself, every day, and seek out the beauty of nature. This is what gets me through the hard times, the good times, the confusing times. Couple nights ago I was smoking, sitting on the deck of my chicken coop and I heard an owl hooting. Then another owl hooted back. All of my problems seemed so insignificant all of the sudden. We are just creatures in this earth, struggling to survive, to thrive. But we are exceptional, curious, interesting. There is much darkness in the world but we can embrace it and try to make the world a better place. As a soldier, I am sure you understand this objective. You are a good person. You have served, and led. You are worthy of happiness and a life well lives. Don't, please don't, succumb to the beast that seeks to destroy you.
Yours is one of the truly most beautiful stories I have ever read. Solace is hard to find. Beauty is hard to find. Peace is hard to find. All I can recommend is that you take time for yourself, every day, and seek out the beauty of nature. This is what gets me through the hard times, the good times, the confusing times. Couple nights ago I was smoking, sitting on the deck of my chicken coop and I heard an owl hooting. Then another owl hooted back. All of my problems seemed so insignificant all of the sudden. We are just creatures in this earth, struggling to survive, to thrive. But we are exceptional, curious, interesting. There is much darkness in the world but we can embrace it and try to make the world a better place. As a soldier, I am sure you understand this objective. You are a good person. You have served, and led. You are worthy of happiness and a life well lives. Don't, please don't, succumb to the beast that seeks to destroy you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 13
ForestRunner:
Thank you very much for your encouragement and your warm hearted response. I hope you know what it means to me. Just knowing someone took the time to read my story and respond relieves a great deal of weight off my shoulders in some therapeutic way. That I am no longer hiding from my past and no longer making myself carry these burdens and shame. You are a very kind hearted person and I have no doubt that you will find all the happiness in the world. Stay strong and thank you again
Thank you very much for your encouragement and your warm hearted response. I hope you know what it means to me. Just knowing someone took the time to read my story and respond relieves a great deal of weight off my shoulders in some therapeutic way. That I am no longer hiding from my past and no longer making myself carry these burdens and shame. You are a very kind hearted person and I have no doubt that you will find all the happiness in the world. Stay strong and thank you again
I'm glad you joined us! 
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