EverySngleNight

I'm not trying to upset anyone! People please dont generalize me. I just found out that I have dissociation, which I still can't totally understand. If I could've thinked or talked my way out of this mental illness- I would've a LONG time ago. It doesn't work that way. And to have this drinking problem.... My god the chicken vs egg is never ending. I don't choose to be a victim. Those parts of me are so very buried, I don't even know who they are. Self-medication is a whole other animal right now. Believe me- taking that away, barely medicating me, and leaving me alone in this room- people I'm breaking. :-(

digdug

I hear you. I understand. Sometimes we have to get broken down so we can get built back up again. You said you have access to a phone. Can you call someone you care about and just talk to them? Talk about anything but detox. Talk about what you plan to do with your new, sober life. Talk about what that person did today. Just have a normal conversation. It really does help.

Mikie9

I am so sorry if I was making things worse It was not my intention. I only wish you to get thru this. I looked up Dissociation and I learned something.

EverySngleNight

I'm sorry... I was crying and just having a little freak out everybody. :-(

foolsgold66

Its OK. We all have had our own freakouts.

Mikie9

It's ok, do what you gotta do to get better I have a freak coming out next week, i just feel it coming

Check in often so we know how you are doing, k?

malcolmsloan

Everysinglenight, I feel for your struggle and truly hope that you can find some peace, even if its something small to start.

360shoes

Hi Every,
You say whatever you feel.

When I was in treatment quite awhile ago, I was pissed off too. More like rage actually. Rage away.

I would get a spell of being calm for awhile and then some rage again.

It did get better.
Hang in there. Be safe. They can handle whatever you need to vent.

Don't give up.

EndGameNYC

I'm very sorry to read about your predicament, EverySngleNight.

Dissociative states and dissociative disorder are common in cases of childhood trauma. It's a defense against intense pain, a way to remove ourselves from the trauma. The condition occurs involuntarily, and is not a defect of character or a moral shortcoming.

Depending on your situation, dissociative states are of varying kinds and intensity, but are, for the most part, serious. They can include periods of amnesia and depersonalization, where things around you don't quite seem real. Your hallucinations may be the result of detoxing.

It's difficult to say whether or not you're receiving adequate or appropriate care, but I don't imagine this is the first time you've been in a treatment setting or have been under the supervision of a trained professional for your condition. The addition of alcohol presents formidable challenges in the treatment of dissociative disorder, given that each condition alone comes with a myriad of treatment obstacles.

Getting the booze out of your system is the first step towards getting effective treatment for your psychological issues. It's possible that when you've achieved this, you'll be in a much better place to realistically assess your condition and make the proper choices to set things right.

I'm curious as to how you're managing to get Internet access in a closed environment. If it's allowed, then please stay connected here. If it's not allowed and you're winding your way around the rules, and if you get caught, let staff know that reading and posting here is a therapeutic outlet for you.

EverySngleNight

I have my own room b-room and tv/cell/iPad, i brought from home. All legal. I have to go to 4 meetings a day. It's a VERY small unit. I've never been to detox before. Only dealt with this in "my world". If that makes sense. Eventhough the therapy I've begun is gentle and slow moving, the understanding of what's wrong really stressed me out and I drank more and more and more. Now that I'm in this "helpful" environment, I'm really really scared and agitated. I just want something to help me feel safe. I'm trying, by writing on here-taking little naps and forcing myself through group,,, I'm hoping SOMETHING besides embarrassment will come out of this for me.

Dee74

I feel sure it will ESN

Faith's a hard thing to hang onto in these sitautions, but I really think this could be the start of something good for you

D

EndGameNYC

Okay, so you've already worked out a partial strategy for surviving detox. That's a good thing. The more you take control of your situation, the safer you'll feel. People here want to see you do well. Everyone is pulling for you. Use that to feel safe as well.

If you have a regular contact person in the unit who you trust, like a counselor, express your fears related to being on the unit and your expectations around treatment. Insist that you be allowed to fully participate in your treatment while allowing trusted professionals to arrive at treatment decisions after taking into account your input.

I was so broken by the time I got to detox that I was happy to let them shoot me up and give me pills to pop in order to survive the damage I'd done to myself. Detox is not the same as going to science camp, and is generally a hotbed of psychopathy. Rehab can be that way too. After I was discharged from detox, I was referred to a rehab in a part of the city that was among the top three neighborhoods in violent crimes. My roommate had recently been released from prison after serving twelve years for manslaughter. I was surrounded by ex-cons, with a couple of them threatening me daily. I also had a couple of volunteer body guards. It was very much the way prison is depicted on TV and in films. I left after a couple of weeks, not because I didn't feel safe, but because there was virtually no treatment offered.

I'm curious as to whether or not you're working with a therapist "on the outside?" If not, this would be a good time to start.

Hang in there. Get the poison out of your body, start again with a virtual clean slate, and do everything in your power to start healing.

digdug

Look on the bright side! You have access to multiple distractions to help you get through this. That's awesome. It's a luxury, and you deserve it. Enjoy your link to the outside world.

Imagine your detox without that stuff. Just you alone in the room with a couple of roommates who you can't even remember their names. When my anxiety gets bad, especially when I have panic attacks, I have bad dissociation, where it's like I'm completely out of my own body. I hate it. So yeah, rehab was scary, foreign, confusing, and agitating. I don't know how I got through it, but I did.

So here's a nice little, true story for you to read and take you out of your head for a bit.

Probably my second or third night in rehab, I was huddled up in my sheets, sobbing, and one of the counselors came to check in on me. We talked for a little bit. He told me that he was trained in jujitsu and demonstrated a couple of moves on my roommate. I smiled. He put his arm around me and said, "you're going to get through this." This big tough guy was there for me; for all of us in the detox. So then he said something I will never forget: "Have you tried praying?" I'm an atheist, so I shot him a quizzical look. "Pray?" I replied. "About what? Who do I pray to?" You see, I had never prayed in my life. Seriously. So the counselor replied, "Just pray to whatever is out there to watch over you tonight and help you make it until tomorrow."

With that, he left the room, and I was again alone in the dark, save for the semi-lifeless bodies of my roommates. I was hurting bad. The room was spinning. The fear started creeping in again. I was out of options. I couldn't go running to the nurses station for the 5th time that night. They had already given me every possible medication they were allowed to, and then some. So I closed my eyes and just repeated over and over in my head, "please help me make it through tonight. Please give me the strength to do this." Remember, this was my first time ever praying in my life so I had no idea what the hell I was doing. But I was soon asleep for the first time in 48 hours. I don't know why it worked. I didn't really care. But for the rest of rehab, anytime I found myself struggling, I just kept repeating those words in my head, "please help me get through this. Please give me strength."

I have a little over 8 months sober and I still pray every night to make it through the next day sober. I'm struggling a bit with my own taper/detox right now. So I'm gonna pray before I go to bed soon. It's never a religious thing. I still don't believe in some big powerful god in the sky. But it calms and soothes me. It made me feel less alone. Whatever works. I don't know why, and I don't question it.

Good night!

bemyself

Nice one, dig - fab post. I hope the OP gets some comfort from it. I can relate to some of the stuff ESN is saying, based on my last rehab experience.

Although an agnostic something or other, with about sixteen different higher powers :-) I've prayed virtually the exact same words you did.

tomsteve

apparently something that was said here rings true or ya wouldn't have taken offense.
Im not here to tell ya what ya want to hear.i dont do pity parties nor do I dig graves.
yes, yer a real person with real problems, but yer not the 1st one that's been in your shoes.

its your choice. if ya wanna leave and do it your way, good luck. but id higholy recommend staying and letting them do what they are doin. detox can require med changes. a persons body is goin through a lot during withdrawls.
when I was goin through chemo a few years ago, there were many changes in meds. why did I let em do it? they knew more about what was best for me than I did.

EverySngleNight

Thank you to everyone who really opened your heart to how I was feeling last night, without inserting any dogma. There's a time for tough love, and a time to reach out and make sure someone knows they aren't alone.

In my mind, I was fighting for my life. I was tossing and turning, crying, sweating, horrible bowel problems too. FINALLY the nurse came in around midnight and started my Librium with a small dose of visteril, and trazadone. Thank god! I was at the peak of my WD and it was time to wean from the Ativan to the Librium. The difference for me, with all of these "parts" (dissociation) that I don't have access too- all I can do is FEEL. I can't make sense of it, verbally in my mind- the thoughts explaining things just aren't there. Its very confusing and disorienting for me. I appreciate you guys hanging in there for me. Today I'm doing better and they're trying to get me lined up with an inpatient dual diagnosis trauma center, for the short term after this. From there, I'll do dual-diagnosis outpatient and work with my current therapist and prescriber. Please send me all your prayers and good vibes so that I can get into the BEST program around!!!!!!!!! PLEASE! And thank you.

EndGameNYC

You're on the right road, EverySngleNight. When our minds are "only" indifferent to our situation, we tend to suffer nagging depression. Feeling under attack by your own mind, by your self or, in your case, inaccessible parts of yourself, really, is painful beyond reason or explanation.

It sounds as though you may have made it through the worst part of this, and one would hope that things only get better. Nothing in nature travels in a straight line. Fits and starts. Two steps forward, one step back.

Your courage to continue forward and your perseverance while suffering unspeakable suffering will bring you to a much better place when you arrive on the other side of this. Guaranteed.

foolsgold66

Glad you are doing better today. Do your best to stay positive even if you 'don't wanna'. That always helps me.

Mountainmanbob

that is understood
many of my trips to these places seemed to be in vain
I refused their drugs (pills) given one time
two large guys in white suits came into the room with a syringe full of ??
I took their pills offered before those guys had their way with me
keep in mind that most all of this is truly for the good
in the long run anyway
that's the key
not to get hung up with little issues at this time
look to the long term
the hope to be totally drug free someday soon
until then
let's not deceive ourselves
let's not let little issues stand between us and sobriety

Mountainman Bob

ClearMind

Hang in there ESN.