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Does both a want and a need to be sober have to occur to be successful? My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. During those two years he has gone to rehab, become sober a handful of times, and every time has gone back to drinking. The last time he was sober over the summer lasted 3-4 months and while he admitted most days were good he said some days were bad and those bad days are what caused him to eventually seek alcohol. He has relied solely on Antabuse to keep him sober which I know is part of the problem because he was a dry drunk. Last week he and I started seeing a counselor to help him work through his anxiety which is what he says is a big trigger for him and he has made a doctor's appointment for medication to help him further with his anxiety. He has spoken frequently about going to AA meetings but he never does end up going because he is also an introvert and is uncomfortable in social situations (he uses alcohol in social situations) which is yet another thing working against him in his addiction. Our relationship came to a head when he went out last Wednesday night and got so trashed he stood me up when he committed to attend a Thanksgiving dinner with my brother and his girlfriend. Let me tell you I was mortified to show up by myself and I felt so badly they went to all the trouble to fix so much food and only 3 of us ended up eating it. At that point I told him if he wasn't ready to go back on Antabuse and seek further help then we should not be communicating in any way until our next counseling session this coming Friday. He made empty promises over the weekend about taking Antabuse and then would show up to my house after having consumed large amounts of alcohol. Finally I told him Sunday, no more communication until Friday and he has respected that. Sunday was the last I heard from him until today when he called and told me he's done a lot of thinking and he was ready to take Antabuse and come back. Of course I have reservations about this. I want this to be the truth but I'm scared it isn't. In the phone call he told me his body hasn't been functioning properly and this is something he 100% needs. He says he wants to be with me but he's not 100% there on the want to stop drinking which I do contribute to the alcoholic talking as he is knee deep in active alcoholism. I hear so much about people who get scared into becoming sober like ending up in hospitals. I'm sure they know they NEED to stop drinking but do they ever feel the WANT? Do these things both have to occur at the same time or is it possible the need will make the want follow suit? Since I don't have a substance abuse problem this is all just so perplexing to me. Hopefully what I said makes sense and someone can shed a light on an alcoholic mind for me. |
Just my observations over the years. But, nothing can scare an alcoholic to sobriety. If this were true so many wouldn't die from it. In some cases it is a long process to completely destroy your body via alcohol. And most alcoholics,including myself,would just make excuses to keep drinking. It's a hard thing sometimes to get back on the wagon again after a relapse. That is my fear. That if I don't stick to the plan I'll fall so far down the rabbit hole I wont climb back out. |
What made you decide you want to quit? Just curious as to what it took for you to decide to make changes in your life. |
A 'want' to be sober is definitly needed, as mentioned pople kill themselves drinking, though to have a 'want' you need to see a 'benefit', I guess how marketing works, there is no point in selling something in an advert if people don't see any 'benefit' to themselves. For me it was health reasons, my body was starting to have issues and so the 'benefit' was living into old age, and still enjoying everything life still has to offer! |
Yes, you do have to want it. It sounds like he admitted that he is not at that point yet, which I have to give him props for. One good step is being honest. I felt the need to stop taking pills but almost never the desire, until this past week. Like your boyfriend, I also stood up family on Thanksgiving. All I wanted was to find more of my substance. My family then told me to either get clean or get out of their lives. I asked to see them privately that day, we talked a bit, and I haven't touched a pill since. Today is day 7. I literally thew myself into sobriety because I needed it. And I wanted it, truly, for the first time. It has taken me 13 sobriety attempts to get to this point. Unfortunately fear is a BIG issue with any addiction. Addicts fear being permanently without the substance they feel they need. I think you and your boyfriend are taking good steps, but the only thing that will really prove if he is serious is time. He can make promises all he wants. Actions speak louder than words. This is what I have learned this past week. Since I am the addict I will tell you that honesty is the first step. He isn't ready to stop drinking but he has admitted that he is fearful and that takes some courage. On the other hand, it's not difficult to see that this has been extremely hard on you, as it is with family members of addicts. I've been on both sides because my Father was an addict for years as I was growing up, long before I became one. I had to kick him out of my life for a period of 3 years because I just couldn't take it anymore. He kicked his demons and we reconciled. Unfortunately ultimatums typically do not work. He is the only one who can make the choice to get clean and stay clean. I don't know if anything I have said has helped. I ask you this- are you willing to give him a chance or do you feel that you are at the end of your rope? |
Sweetheart - I can FEEL your love for this man oozing out of your posts. I'm not making excuses for him here - but please don't take his behaviour as a personal thing against you. It sounds to me like he KNOWS what he should be doing, but he can't quite hack it yet and he is SO blessed to have you backing him up with all of this. I don't know the answer - would he read SR? I know personally, if someone mentioned AA to me, when I was coming to terms with my addiction, I would back off as it (with respect to all reading) does have a curtained stereotype unless you've experienced it. Your guy is SO blessed to have you and he DOES seem aware of his addiction - the rest is really up to what you can cope with babe. Love to you Xx |
I'm only 4 months into sobriety so far. Not really all that big of a talker when it come to the boards here. But,for me,I started to notice things about myself that I didn't like. Drinking was effecting all aspects of life and it was getting much worse. The future looked really bleak as I couldn't seem to string together many days of sobriety. Back in 2007 I went 14 month without drinking and made the mistake of trying to "manage" my drinking. BIG failure. So this time I plan to stay away from alcohol completely. Maybe it as simple as reaching a point in my life that alcohol and getting drunk all the time just old. Almost as it a grew out of it. |
I feel like I want to give him a chance. I see more and more every day how he's learning he doesn't want it in his life. I think he just looks on the past of when he fell off the wagon of how hard it was and he gets scared that it will be too hard. But today he said he's starting to feel the bad effects of alcohol. He says nothing good comes of it and he says that with honesty. But then he reaches for a beer because that's all he knows. |
Originally Posted by audreyroscoe
(Post 4328179)
Just curious as to what it took for you to decide to make changes in your life. What is left in life when you have nothing. Not much life at all. Depression, suicide thoughts. Yup I had those as well. I understand relapses really well. I have done them before multiple times. This happens to me when I start to get complacent and stop attending meetings and working my steps. Only way for me to keep clean is to get my butt to meetings. I have tried to do it by myself and lasted over a year, white knuckling it. But this way is easier. At least for me it is. |
Originally Posted by audreyroscoe
(Post 4328200)
I feel like I want to give him a chance. I see more and more every day how he's learning he doesn't want it in his life. I think he just looks on the past of when he fell off the wagon of how hard it was and he gets scared that it will be too hard. But today he said he's starting to feel the bad effects of alcohol. He says nothing good comes of it and he says that with honesty. But then he reaches for a beer because that's all he knows. It's time for him to see differently and it sounds like you really want to help him. I know seeing someone you care about go through this really hurts, and sometimes we have to let that person go so we can all do our own healing. But addicts also need support. He is making a breakthrough, that much I can say. Keep encouraging him to follow through. |
I had no intention of quitting till my liver started aching. Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is ready quit either. |
Speaking for myself, I was willing to lose everything important in my life in order to continue drinking. I had a three-year relapse following twenty five years without a drink. I considered myself sober, not only abstinent, for the first half of that run, and only abstinent for about twelve years. During and after my relapse, I lost my career, my reputation, relationships with my family, my home, my health and the woman I loved. Though it may have been the best romantic relationship in my life, I didn't care when it was over. The only thing I cared about was that I could then drink more often and without needing to hide it. I had no self respect, and the only thing I looked forward to was dying as an active alcoholic. Part of the challenge for me when I got sober was the realization of all the damage I had done...and for what? I didn't "want" to get sober until I hadn't had a drink in about six months, maybe more. I didn't drink during the early days and months because I didn't have the money to drink, and I would have been homeless had I started drinking again. I essentially traded one living hell for another. When I accepted responsibility for my condition, for my life, and made a decision to make things right, seriously right, then and only then did I want to be sober, and only then did I make it my primary focus. And that meant overhauling my entire life. It takes hard work to be an alcoholic, and it's just as difficult to get sober. Probably more. Antabuse alone, counseling alone or with antabuse, doesn't work for the vast majority of us. Not in the long run, and not when we want to build a better life. The rare exceptions make such a huge impression on us simply by virtue of being rare. We work very hard for financial success, social status, and to maintain our chaotic drinking lives. When asked to do a few simple things, and meet life on its own terms, we're "too busy," afraid of people judging us or don't believe in some basic principles of living that come with achieving sobriety. So we open the bottle and reclaim our seats on the merry-go-round. That, to me, is insanity. |
Have you thought about checking out AlAnon in your area as a support for yourself? |
I needed to get sober at 18. I wanted to get sober at 38. Take care of yourself. Perhaps seek recovery in AlAnon. Glad you are here. |
By the time I got sober (after many tries) it didn't matter whether I wanted it or not...I HAD to if I was going to be able to live any kind of productive, worthwhile, credible life. So I guess it was a combination of the two for me... |
Endgame tells My story.... Much better than i could tell it. G :) |
Originally Posted by Anna
(Post 4328399)
Have you thought about checking out AlAnon in your area as a support for yourself? |
Hi and welcome Audrey - glad you're going to AlAnon - supports important. For me I drank until I couldn't - I was deathly ill by the end - but the experience shocked me out of my insanity. I drank away two relationships and two careers. I think what you need to do is focus on you - your bf may get his 'aha' moment...or he may not. You have to decide how much you're going to pout up with and how long you're prepared to wait. D |
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
(Post 4328363)
Speaking for myself, I was willing to lose everything important in my life in order to continue drinking. I had a three-year relapse following twenty five years without a drink. I considered myself sober, not only abstinent, for the first half of that run, and only abstinent for about twelve years. During and after my relapse, I lost my career, my reputation, relationships with my family, my home, my health and the woman I loved. Though it may have been the best romantic relationship in my life, I didn't care when it was over. The only thing I cared about was that I could then drink more often and without needing to hide it. I had no self respect, and the only thing I looked forward to was dying as an active alcoholic. Part of the challenge for me when I got sober was the realization of all the damage I had done...and for what? I didn't "want" to get sober until I hadn't had a drink in about six months, maybe more. I didn't drink during the early days and months because I didn't have the money to drink, and I would have been homeless had I started drinking again. I essentially traded one living hell for another. When I accepted responsibility for my condition, for my life, and made a decision to make things right, seriously right, then and only then did I want to be sober, and only then did I make it my primary focus. And that meant overhauling my entire life. It takes hard work to be an alcoholic, and it's just as difficult to get sober. Probably more Antabuse alone, counseling alone or with antabuse, doesn't work for the vast majority of us. Not in the long run, and not when we want to build a better life. The rare exceptions make such a huge impression on us simply by virtue of being rare. We work very hard for financial success, social status, and to maintain our chaotic drinking lives. When asked to do a few simple things, and meet life on its own terms, we're "too busy," afraid of people judging us or don't believe in some basic principles of living that come with achieving sobriety. So we open the bottle and reclaim our seats on the merry-go-round. That, to me, is insanity. A good lesson and food for thought , thank you x |
I think deep down in every alcoholic the want to quit is there. It's how loud the voice of salvation is screaming. I couldn't hear mine at first, it took the need to quit drinking to start this sober train moving. Like you are doing for your loved one, my husband drew the line in the sand. He said no more, or the door. I choose no more! Once I got going the voice of "wanting" to get sober went from a whisper to a scream! While you certainly can't make someone do this for themselves, you can draw the line as to what will be ok and not ok going forward. My husband never waivered I knew/know if I drink I will do it ALONE. Alcoholics need accountability!!!! |
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