Twistered

Hey all

I've been an alcoholic for, well, probably since my first drink if not before, but I've had a serious problem for the 12 years. I'm 28 now, and have been drinking (a lot) since I was about 16. This has become more than the usual heavy or binge drinking, as I've been drinking almost every night, to get drunk, for years now. I've gone from beers to wine to vodka and then back to wine (vodka just doesn't do it for me anymore and makes me feel ill but not pass out drunk).

I use to drink because I liked the way it made me feel, but for the past year and a half (since myself and my boyfriend broke up - because of my drink problem), I've been doing it to sleep / block out / because it's what I do.

Things have been changing in the last while. I don't sleep so well with drink. I often now wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep for a few hours (which doesn't bother me, but it's new). I can't sleep in anymore on the weekends because I wake up and my mind is telling me "get up, you won't get back to sleep, might as well get up".

I drink in the mornings now when I'm alone and not working. In fact, I'm just back from a holiday (alone) where I was drunk all the time. I would have a bottle of wine before leaving the hotel.

I know I'm in a very bad way in terms of how I feel about drink. I will avoid going out with people so that I can come home and drink the way I want. I would rather be home alone than over in a friend's house, even though I'm very lonely. I can't be properly close to anybody anymore, because there's such a large part of my life that I can't talk about.

From the outside in, I seem to be ok. I have progressed a lot career-wise in the last two years, and am starting a really progressive job in the new year. I haven't lost my looks (although I can see it happening soon), so I'm successful with guys (except I can't connect with any of them after a while so I move on (possibly 'cause I'm scared to let them too close)). I have friends (although, what other people don't realise, is that we're losing touch because I'm becoming so distant). I have tried to talk to one of them before about this issue, but she ran a mile. I honestly don't think any one of them would be willing to help in such a heavy issue - and I don't mean that in a bad way, but they all have their own things going on.

I was told years ago that my liver activities (or something like that) were slightly high. It was close to Christmas, so I made the excuse that I was going out too much at the time, and that was accepted, but I was told to keep an eye on it. Of course, I told myself I would... after Christmas.

I did have a few bits and bobs of time where I didn't drink, but they were few and far between.

Then, about three months ago, I got a letter from the Blood Donor Clinic where I regularly donate telling me that my red blood cells were enlarged. One of the reasons for this was liver problems.

Apologies if this is TMI, but my period has been coming extremely heavy and every two weeks for the last month and a half. I looked this up, and a reason could be the inability of my liver to metabolise oestrogen (although I can't find a lot of sources for this.)

And then, in the last two weeks, I've lost my appetite. One thing that changed in my drinking was, I used to drink until I blacked out, but now I would normally drink until my tummy told me no more (not sick, but I just didn't want any more) and then I'd have something to eat and fall into a coma. I'm not getting hungry at all now. I know this is bad news.

I don't want to die, but I don't want to fight this all my life either. When I'm not drinking, I'm plagued by thoughts of it all the time. I get no peace of mind. It might sound stupid, but it's horrible. Only when I come home and have drink there can I relax. I know it's ridiculous and I know the answer. But I've known that I need to stop for years and I can't do it. Now I'm developing new signs and I still can't stop, and I know the first thing I need to do is go and talk to my GP, but I'm afraid of what I'm going to be told. (Plus, I'm not sure if I can afford doctors -> clinics -> specialists (stupid reason, but it will leave me without drink money - which sounds so desperate and alien to normal people that I can barely process it, but that's how I feel!).

I don't really know what else to say. I'm not happy, but I don't know if I will change, or if I'll just be another statistic. To be honest, if my parents weren't still alive, I'd be half tempted to give up the fight.

KateL

I once resigned myself to an early death, probably in my thirties or forties. It was too hard to give up or so I thought. I tried to stop many times to no avail until one day I just decided to face the fear of abstinence and I quit. It wa so much easier than I ever thought possible. I am now 55. Please give it a go xxxx

instant

I am glad you came here to talk to us Twistered. There are many of us who come here and you will get many replies soon. I think once drinking gets us to that desparate place, feeling trapped and scared is what happens.

making changes is hard, as is asking for help.

i am now sober over two years and life is so much better. Miracles can happen.

least

I can sense the desperation in your post. You're afraid to keep drinking but afraid to quit. I can assure you that you will get much worse if you don't stop. Your health will suffer and you could lose what you hold most dear. I hope it doesn't come to that. Let us help you stop drinking until you feel better about yourself. You don't have to resign yourself to an early grave. You can turn it all around if you start now.

Bruno1979

Good, interesting post Twistered,

You're in the right place, its not easy at all but it sounds as though you're ready to make the correct decision.

Good luck.

Bruno1979

Good, interesting post Twistered,

You're in the right place, its not easy at all but it sounds as though you're ready to make the correct decision.

Good luck.

Kaneda8888

Twistered, welcome to SR. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem with alcohol. Then to take action on it requires another bold step. You've achieved both so you are already one of the few (10-20%) drinkers who take action on your issues.

Stay connected to SR, the folks here are incredibly supportive. Read the threads and find the similarities. Post as much as you can and join your class, ie, December class !

I wish you nothing but the very best of luck !

Twistered

Thank you for all your replies. It made me feel better to even say all of that. There have been times when I've (briefly) panicked about this so much that I could barely breathe, but I've become very good at hiding those feelings and now just feel a dull sense of dread about the whole thing.

I've imagined my life without drink a lot, and I know it has such potential. But them my mind plays that dirty trick and imagines a situation in a bar where everybody else is drinking and I'm feeling left out, or when something bad happens and I'm unable to block it out, and somehow those things seem more important than a drink free life.

Congratulations on all of you for doing it by the way though - I admire that so much!

It seems like the things people have issues with - hangovers, tiredness, self consciousness, and the other ones that are harder to explain, are just part and parcel of life for me now, and I can deal with them. Having to fall asleep without alcohol, however, just seems like a mountain.

Thank you again. It's weird to think that anybody - EVER - has felt the same way. Even in my last job (with over 500 people) I often thought that I had the most serious alcohol problem out of all of them, and I would have been younger than most of them too.

Dee74

Hi Twistered - welcome

There's a curious kind of apathy that happens to a lot of us - we're not suicidal but we feel like we don't really care one way or the other.

That's your addiction at work.

It took me nearly dying to work that out. I started to fight back.
I'm glad I did - the last seven years have been the best of my life

It's never too late to start the fightback - glad to have you with us

D

ScottFromWI

I was to the point of needing alcohol to sleep and function as well twisted, it's no way to live. All the fear you have of what life might be like without alcohol is 100% BS coming from your addiction. You can live a fullfullling and enjoyable life without it if you want to. It will be hard to get there, especially at the beginning. But the short period of withdrawal is more than worth it.

I've never, ever heard a single person tell me that they wished they had kept drinking once they got sober. I have heard many wish they would have quit though, and a handful of them from their deathbed.

There are no guarantees of course, but getting sober gives you a good chance of complete recovery and a productive, enjoyable life. Continuing to drink, however, is a 100% guarantee that you will eventually lose everything - including your life.

Seiceps

Feeling pretty apathetic this morning too. Going to my 2 nd ever aa meeting soon. Keep posting and talking , yr not alone. I can hear you all the way from New Zealand ! X

ippochick

Twistered, i relate completely. i got to the point where i didn't want to drink, but i couldn't NOT drink.

i am getting sober with AA. i couldn't go 2 days without a drink. i've just passed the 2 month mark. there are lots of recovery options out there - have a look around and think about what might suit you.

i would also recommend coming clean with your gp. mention your periods and the information you got from the blood donor service and ask for a panel of bloods to be done. i know it's scary but really it's better to know. you can also then be helped with detox if needed - withdrawing from alcohol can be dangerous.

most of all though - you are NOT on your own. it takes such bravery to face yourself like this, and i wish you all the luck and love in the world on your journey.

Twistered

Thanks again.

I really can't believe the amount of posts in what must be a thread you've heard so many times before. I hate asking for help or advice like this because I've broken so many promises to myself and to others that I just don't feel like there's any point in trying to ask only to let people down and waste their time. (Not feeling sorry for myself here at all - just if I feck up, I'll just be another drain.)


But I really appreciate all your replies. Even if I don't know if I will be able to make it. Is there any point in trying to cut down when I know I'll be drinking over Christmas, or does it have to be all or nothing?

Received

Hi Twistered. I'm really glad you found us. This is a wonderful place to be.

I'm glad Dee brought up that curious sort of apathy that happens to so many of us. Somewhere between life and living. Yet, in your post, I "hear" the desperation screaming to be saved.

I strongly encourage you to make an appointment with your doctor and be completely honest. You need to make the first step here. It starts with a phone call to your doctor's office saying "I need help and I need it now".

I really hope you take this first step.

Dee74

You won't let me down - you may let yourself down tho.

Can you see how your addiction is running the show here?
you're already resigned to letting yourself down over Christmas, and clinging to the hope that maybe you can control this, when history has shown thats clearly not the case....

Our addiction is great at convincing us we're hopeless. It's not true.
It doesn't have to be that way.

Like Received said, I hear another voice in your posts - your voice - the voice that wants all this crap to stop...now...not next year.

That's the voice you need to listen to

There's thousands of us here that will be sober over Christmas - there's strength in numbers - why not join us?

Twistered

I know, I know. Sure, I want to be a non-alcoholic so much that it pulls on my heart. I do want it so much. I just know that I've spent so long not managing to do this, that I wonder how I can change it all and actually succeed for once. (Don't mean to be a complainer here!)

Seiceps

I feel exactly the sAme as you re Xmas. It's just a brain game. Gotta beat it.

ScottFromWI

It involves taking action. I planned to cut down/quit for years. And I was a decade older than you when I finally did. There really is no magic bullet here - you just have to want it more than you want to drink. And put down the bottle. Tapering/moderation/drinking only ( insert your days/times here ) doesn't work.

LiaAc

Oh yeah, I also know about the quitting/cutting down thing.

My drug wasn't alcohol but pills. For the past 7 years I have tried to quit them and go through the withdrawals. I tried weaning myself but it never worked. I then tried giving pills to a friend to give to me at planned times, but I always bothered her for more. It was never something I had the right to do to her.

It wasn't until I just QUIT that I finally made some progress. Scott made a great point about this. I am only on day 6, but going through the flames of withdrawal after making the choice to just quit, and be done with the pills, has been tough but I am making more progress than I ever have before.

We all know it's scary. Please remember that you are not alone. We have all tried something similar to this, and like Scott said, it doesn't work.

girlsearching

I know exactly how you feel. Today is my ninth day sober. The last time I got drunk 9 days ago I was so sick I was sure I was dying. I couldn't eat for 3 days and that was just it for me. I felt if I had another drink it would physically kill me. It is still very hard every day, but WOW my body feels so much better already. I just tell myself, don't drink the poison....you want to live. I know every day will be a struggle, but I am determined. I am already noticing subtle changes in my life. I feel better. I look better. I have been able to do things around the house I couldn't before. I just pray a lot for God to take control because I need this more than anything. Sorry for the long reply. But if I can do this, you can too. And....stay busy. Good luck.