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Day 49 and husband still drinking

Old 12-03-2013, 03:32 AM
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Day 49 and husband still drinking

I am almost thoroughly disgusted. I am now on day 49, after many years of sobriety, followed by relapses. Even though my husband (of 15 years) watched me actually detox this time...which was HORRIBLE (never happened before)...he still drinks. Now, I understand that I can not control him. Only myself.He married me when I was sober and had been for years. He has always drank...beer only...once in a while, a tequila shot with beer. I have seen him drunk only about 3 times in 15 years. When I stopped drinking this time, he cut waaaaaaay back on his beers, and agreed not to keep them in the house. (Although I have always hated beer, during this last relapse I was drinking it from sunup to sundown). During the last week I have come home or ended the day when he finished working in his "shop" in the garage (we are retired)...only to find him almost smashed. His eyes are red, he is slurring his words and the night before last he fell asleep (passed out?) following dinner at 6:45 pm. I talked to him (in the morning when he was sober) about how much he is drinking...and he said "duly noted". THEN, just yesterday, it happened again! I am staying sober! I don't expect him to be....but, come on! Yet, somehow I feel that I am "calling the kettle black", after being a black out drunk for the past 3 years.....It is just such a "turn off" and lately can't stand to be around him when he is like this....but I love him dearly.....just had to vent.
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Old 12-03-2013, 03:36 AM
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(hugs) I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know I read this and feel for you. I also really like your quote - maybe it is of relevance here?
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Old 12-03-2013, 03:44 AM
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I have the same problem.
Husband was the one who managed me for the most part for years.
Now that I'm sober, he is the one who is drinking himself to sleep most nights.

I spent my childhood putting my mom to bed when she would pass out,
so this kind of enabling bothers me now and so I just leave him there
and can hear the snoring through the walls.

He has been trying to moderate some, and he is overall a much better drinker in
terms of personality than I ever was, so I also feel guilty being bothered by it,
especially after all my crap. But these days I would much prefer a dry house,
even though I am not tempted to drink his vodka. I just don't like being around it.
I love mine too dearly, and want to support him, but it is getting pretty old.
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Old 12-03-2013, 03:44 AM
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I also feel for you. My husband has a lot fo beer on Friday and Satyrday nights, and 2-3 most nights fo the week. I often slip or relapse by first grabbing a few of his beers on a sudden urge after a period of sobriety. There is a case or so of Harpoon around pretty much all the time. I was mostly a wine drinker but like beer, and it is hard having it around all the time.

Moreso, it is pretty enlightening to see a drunk through sober eyes. And I agree with it being hard to have a leg to stand on when they put up with us for so long. I do tell my husband I worry for his health with how much he drinks. Ask him if he feels okay the day after he might pass out on th ecouch on a Saturday night. But, they have to choose for themselves.

It would be easier to do it together, and better for a relationship, but we cannot make another person be ready.
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Old 12-03-2013, 04:09 AM
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Hi. I'm sorry you are in this spiraling situation and the only thought I have for comfort is Al Anon.

BE WELL
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Old 12-03-2013, 04:35 AM
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Hi, Trudging.

I am having that struggle with my baby sister and of course, my mother. I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on because I just sound like one of those preachy ex-drinkers who I couldn't stand when I was a drinker. Once you have a taste of sobriety, you so want to help everyone else "wake up", but you can't help people who don't want to be helped. I am trying to just be a good example in the way that I am living my life. My loved ones have all noticed my weight loss, and my mom keeps asking me what I am "on". (she thinks I am on antidepressants, but I honestly just feel stronger and happier due to my sobriety and my better health.) I keep praying for a "wake up" call for my mom, but my faith tells me the Universe already has its plan for her and that I need to surrender to my faith.

Good for you on 49 days!!!!
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Old 12-03-2013, 04:51 AM
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Trudging i am sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, of course, you know that your husband has to WANT to stop. Keep up your great work! 49 days is awesome!! Keep coming here for support . . .keep the detox in the forefront of your mind. You don't want to go through that again. Hang in there! Praying for you!
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Old 12-03-2013, 10:06 AM
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Thanks all...and yes, IOAA, I am quite familiar with al-anon ...for my youngest daughter, but have now switched to nar-anon cuz now she is an addict. The steps are basically the same as AA, just substitute some words or drug of choice. Been through the steps in AA 3 times already...having, upon 3 occasions, many years of sobriety. Hawkeye...our stories sound like mirror images, but I think you know...my mother died from alcoholism (literally) at 72. Yes, the hard part is my husband has put up with me, when I have been MUCH worse....said HORRIBLE things to him, DID horrible things to him, yada yada....it is just so hard to see him drink SO much. Didn't used to be this way...of course he wasn't retired, either (we both retired at 55). Thanks for the congrats, DD...this time I am REALLY DONE I am not going to care what anyone else does
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Old 12-03-2013, 11:25 AM
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This thread helps me. Thanks.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:20 PM
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Can I ask, because I too have a husband who may not drink as badly as me, but does still have a drinking problem... in the past when I had quit drinking he would send me to the liquor store for him... and this time 2 days after I told him I poured the rest of the liquor we had down the sink cause it was either that or drink it, he snuck booze in and was drunk the next 2 days.... Is it possible to be sober, living in such conditions? I often feel a lot of anger and resentment towards him because of his denial and disregard for my needs... and that anger (i think I am just now realizing) can lead to being one of my triggers.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:38 PM
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Congrats on 49 days! I am only on day 3. My husband still drinks and hasn't made me aware of any plans to quit at the moment. He knows he needs to, he has been drinking almost daily for about 25 years. He is only 43.
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Old 12-03-2013, 02:12 PM
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Well, Suntastic...I can only tell you my experience. When I quit, it was about ME, not him. It had to be for me to stay sober. Does my husband have a drinking problem? Well, probably....but I know I am not in control of that, nor can I judge him given my own drinking. During my second bout with sobriety (for 3 years), my husband actually quit as well and went to AA with me. (I am not using AA this time around) I think he stayed sober for about 3 months.... I never threw away his beer...just asked him to keep it out of my sight...which he has always done whenever I asked. If I dumped it all out and told him he couldn't have it anymore...because I wanted to get sober.....I DO think that he would sneak it. Who am I to tell him whether he can drink or not? As for anger and resentment....for me, I guess I get more disgusted. Initially, I guess I was resentful....because he CAN drink (mostly) like a normal person...I CANNOT. But "they" say that "resentment is the number one offender"...that will lead us to drink. Why are you resentful? Because he is drinking and you decided to stop? Or because he got hammered for two days straight? I think that would make me angry as well, since it seems quite disrespectful, but also like an "I'll show you!" kinda attitude. Did he agree to stop drinking with you? You say he disregards your needs....is this in all areas or in terms of your need to be sober? My husband never sent me to the liquor store for him, but just yesterday I was at the market and picked up a 6 pack of beer for him. I really didn't think much about it, other than it would be cheaper at the supermarket than the corner store. Now, I don't know how newly sober you are....which could be a huge factor....as I said, I have 49 days now, but over the last 22 years I have been sober 15 of them....so, that might have something to do with it as well. Please feel free to PM me if you like...hang in there! You can do this....for YOU
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Old 12-03-2013, 02:15 PM
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Hi Tina, and thanks! I'm certainly trying to be DONE FOR GOOD! Everyone needs their own time....good for you! Keep doing what you are doing
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Old 12-03-2013, 04:53 PM
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Hi Trudging. Over the last month you have been so much help in my personal journey of sobriety. You have shared experiences and at times kicked me in the butt a little when needed! I wish I had something really profound to offer, but I don't. I don't think you should let hubby off the hook because of any guilt you might feel about your behavior. I've always been told by my wife that she knows what's best for me regardless of what I think. She was very tolerant over the years. Sometimes I wish she would have not been so tolerant. I don't know what would have happened but I might have come to my senses sooner. Especially if she would have acted early on when I was practicing for my problem.
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Old 12-03-2013, 08:15 PM
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Thanks trudginagain,
You are right, it isn't about him it is about me... And to be honest, I have not at down this time and declared my need to be sober to him, so I think you are right, rexenting him for something I have not made clear does me no good. I am only on day four.... again, I made it 6 days last week, and then drank.... very discouraging. And I think I have a good idea where most of my initial resentment comes from... but am not sure it would be right to tell the details just yet. I just know that living in the house with another addict/alcoholic, has been a real distraction for me towards my goals... I am not jealous, I am just beginning to think, as i have heard, if nothing changes... nothing changes. And I feel as if I am looking and ready for a world of changes, and don't know what to do if he is not willing to change with me
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Old 12-04-2013, 03:32 AM
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Thanks for the kind words dirk! And, actually ...to both dirk and suntastic...just an FYI...when I got sober for the first time in 1991, I had kind of an epiphany after about 3 months (when the fog REALLY cleared). My second husband (my daughters' father) had finally gone back to work (aboard cruise ships as the ship's photographer.) I looked around and said to myself, "What the hell am I doing????" I was teaching during the day, going to law school at night, PLUS I had 2 girls to raise....and NOW I was sober. I quit law school, and when he returned (I think it was in December, I told him either he got a job by May 1st or he moved). Sure enough, May 1st came and went and I told him to leave, and changed the locks on the door. Then filed for divorce. (He had actually told me that drinking dark beer when I was nursing was GOOD for creating breast milk...ugh!) He is still an alcoholic and has said to me since the divorce that he would rather I be drunk and crawling around on the floor, so we could still be a "family", rather than having me sober! My (now) husband is really a wonderful man....I am very lucky actually. but...again...I married him when I was sober....and stayed sober for many years...so the poor guy had NO IDEA what he was getting himself into when I began drinking again...LOL...(Not funny, actually). There WAS one drunken incident over which he almost divorced me....and DID give me any ultimatum....quit or he leaves. That was my return to AA for another 3 years. So, dirk, yes, him calling me out on my behavior while drunk did make me seek change. Chaili, you seem really new to sobriety (not that I am not), but I have been there and all of our feelings/emotions are sooooo screwed up in the beginning....give it some time. I remember that I was told not to make any big changes in the first year (sometimes we can't help it, though). It might be a good idea to at least discuss sobriety with him. Could be he wants to change too?..or...at least be willing to support you in your recovery? Why do you think you drank after 6 days last week? Have you read about "urge surfing"? I just found out about it, and am really working on it...and it seems to work. Just a thought....hang in there...the ups and downs of early sobriety are a b**ch....but WE CAN DO THIS....TOGETHER
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Old 12-04-2013, 04:08 AM
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oops...didn't mean Chaili....meant Suntastic
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Old 12-04-2013, 10:19 AM
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What is urge surfing
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Old 12-04-2013, 11:23 AM
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Here is a link from google: What is Urge Surfing? but if you just google " urge surfing" there is also a link for one on alcohol also....someone else posted it on one of these threads but I cannot find it now
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