jhow999

Hi all!

Haven't posted much but have been reading sober recovery daily since day 1. I am 30 days sober tomorrow. Yay go me...right? It doesn't feel that way.

The last 30 days have went fairly smooth. Didn't have withdrawals and my AV was somewhat thoughtful. I am thankful and happy to be sober but I must admit I feel somewhat let down by the first 30 days of this new journey.

I keep thinking I can fill the hole alcohol has left but there doesn't seem to be much if anything to fill it. I took up reading, working out again and watching my favorite shows but they don't give me the wonderful buzz alcohol did.

I used to get excited during the day at work about my shooters waiting for me at home. Now I get to look forward to my leftover pumpkin pie and cable tv. I know I quit for a reason but that reason is beginning to fade.

Anyone else feel this way? I am proud of all my hard work but the reward doesn't seem worth it for some reason. Yes I'm healthier and I guess happier but I still wish I could have my cake (well pie) and eat it to.

Bored and alone for the countless night now. Get to look forward to a full week coming up I guess. I'm I just being whiny and ungrateful? I imagined what 30 days would like on day 1 and I guess I expected more. Anyway, thanks for reading and looking forward to hearing y'alls thoughts.

-J

Dee74

30 days is great - but put it against the years you drank and you can see you're just at the beginning.

I found life pretty uninspiring for a while too - I wondered if this was a good as recovery got.

It gets way better

It's pretty normal to miss drinking - just make sure you remember all of it - not just the good bits.

There was a lot of it not so wonderful I'll bet - reading your old posts will help.

It takes time to rebuild our lives and to heal that void we used to pour our booze into.


If you gave years to your drinking, give a few months to your recovery - you might be surprised how different things are at 3 months jhow

D

Received

Nights are hard for a lot of people. And you're not ungrateful or whiny to post about it. I know for me it is important to get that stuff out of my head and reach out to others, just like you did tonight. And I'm glad you did post.

Skye2

Well done on 30 days Having said that, 30 days for me (and others from what I've read) is one of milestones where the AV kicks in and starts making you think that perhaps you never had a problem! That has certainly been my experience on numerous occasions and I ended up relapsing.

I had been feeling a bit 'flat' and as you describe and on reflection a lot of it was me, trying to give myself reasons for the relapse.

I'm betting that if you stay firm in not drinking - once the 30 days passes, you'll feel amazing

Mountainmanbob

congrats on the 30 days sober
possibly don't expect so much
concentrating on the good things that come from sobriety helps
after a while most miss drinking not at all
drinking in the end only brought me and the loved ones around me much pain
maybe you did not get to that point
most true alcoholics do in time
and many of them never escape
MM

Itchy

Some people are lost when they quit because their lives are boring. Not exciting like the rush of terror in the mornings not knowing what happened. Or the excitement of discovering you really can throw up your toenails. Having calm bowels and hands that don't shake is such a drag. And sober you have every movie you've fallen asleep in the middle of to look forward to seeing again. Sex, food, pain free mornings with no drama, and seeing the puffiness and large pores shrink back to normal shaves years off our appearance. Boring? Perhaps serene is better. It takes a bit for your nerves to get used to no fear and drama. But we do.

zeppodog

Sounds like you're staying busy and that helps, I'm just starting week 4 and already need to remind myself how bad my withdrawals were when I think a drink sounds good. I guess you thought you needed to quit for a reason, you need to remind yourself of the reasons you quit. There is a lot of people I'm sure thinking the same as you. I find checking in on SR helps keep me on track. Good luck on your journey and it is a journey.

EndGameNYC

Hi, jhow999.

I'm wondering what your expectations were before you got sober.

Also, what were your thirty days like before day one of sobriety?

MB8

Jhoh. I can absolutely relate. No matter what was going on during the day or how hard I was working I always had 5 pm to look forward too. I actually enjoyed working like crazy because I could then justify to myself to drink even more. Now I don't have that to look forward to. I have a beautiful wife and 2 daughters but that buzz that I waited for all day is no more. I'm 22 days in and just try to stay busy between 5 and 8 pm and then it fades. I had as much as 5 months and I remember it just getting routine and thought there would be great rewards but life just went on. It just went on with no relief. I can totally relate buddy. Especially tough with the holidays coming. We decorated our tree tonight. Don't think I ever put lights on a tree sober. Wasn't as much fun but definately loved watching my kids have fun. I am going to continue to get thru one day at a time and try to stick it out this time. My " old friend " is constantly whispering in my ear but I must ignore Him. I don't want my babies to ever look at me like I looked at my dad. Good luck friend. I feel your pain. MB8

jhow999

Hi EndGame,

My expectations weren't anything spectacular I don't think but I assumed my life would be complete for lack of a better word.

My 30 days leading up to my sober date were much of the same for the past 4 years. Drinking 8-10 shooters a night and yes feeling hungover in the morning. I work from 1-9pm every day so I had mornings to sober up and be presentable at work.

I know I had a reason to sober up and have hit rock bottom many times. What is hard is the pivotal drinking points that changed my life were 4 years ago. I was arrested 3 different times for things I did while drinking. In order to keep things manageable I stopped going out and began drinking alone at home. I stayed out of trouble and could still drink.

The reason I quit is because I was afraid I was going to die. I was drinking roughly 70-80 shooters a week for the last 4 years. I was scared.

jhow999

Thank you MB8. Nice to hear someone who is feeling the same.

awuh1

A void filled by alcohol. It's actually more common than you might think. It's been aptly referred to as a "thirst of our being for wholeness". The thing that helped fill the void for me was AA. But that's just me.

Hope you find something.

EndGameNYC

My early days in sobriety were like dress rehearsal for the rest of my life. The irritability, restlessness and the mind-numbing "everydayness" were all well worth the effort.

While attempting to be many things I was not while drinking, I lost myself and my life. Now, I'm no longer living someone else's life, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

ZeldaFan

I got that way just past the 30 day mark as well. It actually caused me to slip at day 39. I'm on day 30 of consecutive sobriety again but it's not there this time. I think I just needed to get more days under my belt away from the chemical imbalance that the alcohol caused in my head. Give it time and it will get better!

NoJimmy

I'm on day-36 today. I'm lonely, often bored, social life is practically non existent, and I've been dealing with the most painful breakup of my life. Day-30 seemed like any other, just another day to plow through. That said I've been through a lot of growth in 36-days, it often doesn't feel like anything is happening, and then I will realize my ability to accept something I could not before has turned and I'm on to the next challenge. I can't say I'd stay the course if this period was as good as it got. But I have an idea what my future looks like, and I feel that I'm making reasonable progress to get there. I've set my sights on the observed AA milestone dates, but I have no expectation of things to starting to gel until 90-days and beyond. I drank for the last 16+ years, it stopped working years ago. I know I want more, I deserve better, and so do the people who love me. That's my outlook.

Believe333

I understand how you are feeling. I have been there before and I made the wrong choice to just give up. It was not what I was hoping for so I just caved because it was easier then continuing. It is damaging to you in many ways because everything you have worked so hard for just erases itself in that moment. Addiction is wacky like that. I am right back at the starting lineagain, and from here, 30 days seems so far away. So keep it up! Be proud of yourself and take it one day at a time! I have heard it gets better!

Croissant

Hi JHow.

Congrats on 30 days. Like others have said, it's not uncommon to feel the way you do.

It does change over time. I think we actually forget how dead boring our life became BECAUSE of alcohol.

Now the hard work begins!...what do you want your life to look like without alcohol? It may not feel like it at times, but life opens up so many more choices and options without alcohol.

You just have to get out there and DO something about it.

EndGameNYC

Hey, NoJimmy.

Though you'll continue to experience strong, painful feelings around your breakup, your ability to stay with them instead of running from them will generally improve. And ultimately bring you to a better place.

We're generally counseled not to project into the future in early sobriety, but I can promise you that there are better days for you if you continue to work on achieving sobriety.

instant

There was a big hole in me and my life without alcohol. My emotions were unstable for six months. Alcohol had started to hollow me out, and without alcohol to cover it over- the yawning gaps in me and my life started to dawn on me. The good news is that where you start is not where you finish.

I came to see it as a journey not a destination- I came to see the process as one of growth

Two and a half years on the emptiness is no longer there- I am productive at work and at home, I have better relationships- I now play in a band and write songs- I am far more active.

Boredom is natures way of telling us we have unused capacity

Hang in there

It takes time and it takes work-

GracieLou

Get active doing something. If you do not want to go to AA then volunteer some place. Soup kitchen, animal shelter, old age home etc.