Elisabeth888

I had plans with a friend that has stopped going to AA yesterday. She changed them at the last minute and asked me to pick her up at a restaurant/bar. (She doesn't have a car) I point blank asked her if she was drinking. She said no.

I go up there and she is drinking. Another friend from AA is with her and not drinking.

She is drinking alcoholically, of course, taking shots and whatnot. I stay, drink two red bulls and order some food. (I know, I should have left)

I think it was about an hour and a half. I ask her if she wants me to take her home and she says yes. She is apologizing to me for drinking and being drunk in the car. I say don't worry about it.

This is the second time she has done this, invited me somewhere and told me she was not drinking and then she was.

I don't want to drink, in fact, watching her, I find it repulsive. I am around alcohol all the time because my husband drinks. I accept that alcohol is poison to me and have been sober for just over a year.

My point is that I HAVE to be around alcohol with my husband and family. I DO NOT have to be around it with friends. In fact, I choose to associate with sober friends almost exclusively.

I don't feel like confronting her over this. I am going to just not call her and hope that she does not call me, because I guess I will have to tell her what I think if she does call.

Am I wrong to be pissed off and hurt?

ScottFromWI

While its certainly inconsiderate of her, there's nothing you can do about it. If she decides to drink, she's going to drink regardless of what you think or say.

Concentrate on yourself and don't take her calls.

Nonsensical

I think I would get out in front of it. Wait until tomorrow or the next day and call at a time you suspect she'll be sober. Tell her you value your friendship but you don't like being used as the designated driver so she can drink, and that you don't like to be around people who are drinking. Then request that she not call you anymore if she's been drinking, but if she's sober or wants to go to a meeting you'd be glad to accompany her.

I think if you wait then she's going to drunk dial you again and it could turn into a frustrated confrontation.

best of luck!

digdug

If she has stopped going to AA and is actively drinking, are you honestly that surprised that she is engaging in alcoholic behavior? i.e., manipulating you, lying, etc.

I agree with you that it's best to stick with people who are actively working their programs.

You have no control over her or anyone else's choices or behavior. But you do have control over who you chose to spend time with. I'm not saying completely ditch your friend. Offer support if she reaches out for help. But I know if I was in your situation, I'd cut social ties with an active alcoholic, at the very least as to not put my own sobriety at risk. No need to confront someone who is not thinking rationally because they are in active addiction.

Mountainmanbob

you are wrong in no way to be disappointed with her a person drinking should not expect a person that does not drink to just sit there and wait for them while they drink

Correy

Not at the moment. If you'd hold grudges and not let it go it would keep hurting you and than it would be wrong for you...

You set a precedent, two in fact, and she, being as selfish as all of us alcoholics are when drinking, might feel she's entitled to your free limo services. So once you refuse her she'd be the one hurt (not knowing why this sudden change of heart) and may react in a way that might provoke a hurt in you.

So, with a due disclaimer that I do not know either of you or the dynamic in between your characters, I'd nicely tell her why you have a problem with being around people that drink (I would not even mention how particularly repulsive it is for you when she drinks) and that you can't do it anymore.

So the next time, even if she's sober, you will not provide her with the service. You'd take this of your chest and end her taking advantage of your kindness once for all, in a clean, open, non-confrontational ("you lied") way.

Enjoy your sober life.

Good luck.

Erratic

I would go with correy.
If this is effecting u and she isn't going to AA with u, is that u tell her ur not going to be
a taxi for her. See then what she says?

Anna

I would step away from her, if I were you.

Someone like that can drain away a lot of your energy.

Dee74

I would simply step away too.
No point in being hurt Elizabeth - she's an active alcoholic - we both know the baggage that comes with that.

Step away from the quicksand.

D

mfanch

1. I was told "if it's not yours, don't pick it up."
2. I was also told, when I became hurt or angry at ________, "what was your part?"

Usually my part was that in #1, I picked up what was not mine.

MIRecovery

I have no room in my life for active alcoholics

heath480

I agree that you have to let this person go,detach with love.

You have to put your sobriety first.Have a plan because she will probably call you again.

soberclover

I remember that I wasn't very considerate of anything when I was actively drinking.

GracieLou

You are not wrong for being mad or hurt but let it go and move on.

It is not your responsibility to take care of another when it is obvious they do not want help. It sounds to me like they took advantage of the situation. They really just wanted a ride home or even worse, they were hoping they could get you to drink as well.

There are active alcoholics that want nothing more then to have a drinking buddy. They hope the temptation can be passed to others. Then they don't have to feel so guilty about drinking because another is also actively participating in the relapse and I promise you if that happens they will point the blame straight at you. In their mind you are to be blamed and they will pass this on to anyone that will listen.

They want you to play the blame game. Don't fall for that. It may happen anyway in reverse. You did not pick them up so they drank, your fault, in their mind.

Do not fall for that sort of manipulation. Go about your sobriety without them. If they come back to AA so be it, but in the meantime, mind your own business. It sounds cold but sometimes it is what we must do to protect ourselves.