DoPerdition

I often would abstain or drink less at social events and then really let loose at home. I was never drunk and disorderly in public. Only at home did I fall down, slur or get emotional or sloppy. If I tell people now that I don't drink, they assume I am a teetotler not an alcoholic. It was easier to be in denial that way because other people would back it up.

KateL

Just try to get through your disappointment and move on. Never give up xx

digdug

I was the same way - would only have a couple of drinks out, and then drink myself into oblivion at home alone. I hid it from everyone. I lived a double life. But the truth always comes out eventually. And when it does, other people get severely hurt from all the lies and deception. It's taken a long time to rebuild that trust with my family and I lost my relationship with my ex-girlfriend.

Luckily, no one has to suffer in silence if they're willing to ask for help. We're here for you, Pinot. And so are other support systems like AA. You don't need to do this all alone.

IOAA2

Hi.

"I have no support system as of now. Mainly because I haven't fully accepted my problem, so no one really knows."

OMG we must have had the same instructor! Until I got honest with myself and accepted that I have a problem and cannot drink in safety I was in a lot of suffering. When I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and did some positive things was when life started to get better. Basically I didn't want to try to get sober AGAIN.

BE WELL

doggonecarl

That in itself is a problem.

I think you know you have a drinking problem. But you use the justification that maybe you don't have a problem to drink. Believing your addiction is your recovery problem.

jaynie04

I always prided myself on being able to handle things on my own. Looking back I realize that self reliance was a big part of the reason I survived childhood intact, that and books. I remember thinking what a waste of time study groups in college were, in my opinion, other people just bogged me down.

Alcohol stopped me dead in my tracks and taught me an important lesson in humility and the importance in asking for help.

In rehab, we spent most of our days in small groups with other people who were struggling with alcohol/addiction issues. There were 8-10 of us, and we got pretty tight. We did certain activities that taught us that there were things that while impossible for an individual, were not only possible as a group, but fun in the doing. I saw a lot of myself in my fellow rehab mates. It's interesting to note that being an alcoholic or addict takes some pretty tough grit, a lot of us are very headstrong and stubborn. Learning to rechannel that same determination is a process but it can be done.

I know you have been here a while Pinot, and you tend to pop in to beat yourself up. You are so great. How about sticking around regularly? Maybe feeling a bit more in stride with a sense of community will make the difference next time and if you are in the habit of coming here first it can be the difference between drinking or not drinking?

ScottFromWI

To be brutally honest, you are more apt to "waste our time" by continuing to come here for support at times, then continue to drink. We were all where you are, and you should come here when you feel you need help. We want you to be that person that gets "talked down" from their urges and ends up having a sober evening.

You also mention you have no support. You know that's false...you choose to not take advantage of it and drink instead. Because I have another thought you may not like, but it must be said. All these "slips" you are having are really just you justifying the fact that you are drinking. Until you realize this nothing will change.

PinotNOmore

Maybe you're right Scott.

Mountainmanbob

sometimes it takes a few of those

for us to realize how precious sobriety truly is

get back on the horse and ride again

just like a cowboy

Mountainman

PinotNOmore

I just don't get it. I don't understand how I can be in control of everything except this one thing in my life. Not like its something I need or rely on and yet it takes on a life of its own and takes over my life at the same time.and yes I pride myself in being able to get through extreme social situations and not drink, but its when I get home and want to relax that I tend to overdo it. I can't even enjoy a glass of wine anymore, because my whole family knows that I have an issue and I refuse to drink in front of them. That includes my husband. my mom didn't even have a single drink this weekend and I think that bugs me more than anything. She doesn't have a problem so she should be able to enjoy a glass of wine In front of me!

But enough with the Whining! today is day 1! I feel horrible, and have a long long drive ahead of me, but I will not be drinking today!

anyistoomuch

Pinot, i read somewhere that a willpower muscle is like a regular muscle, and it needs time to rest between workouts. the more you strain them, the more they need time to recover to get back to strength. If you are seriously ready to stop drinking, particularly since you prefer to drink alone (i am/was one of those- just hit 30 days), you need to not be surrounded by drinking so the obsession isn't stirred, be present in your mind and thoughts at will times, and reaffirm even in those alone moments when no one can see and you feel like there is a completely different person in your head who was there in the morning when you told yourself that you were sick of it all, and not drink.

dont drink. you dont want to. you have the will and personal strength to not drink.

Anna

It does sound like you have not fully accepted that drinking is not an option for you. I hope that you make a choice to take care of yourself and stop drinking. It might be best to stay away from social situations where alcohol is involved. It might sound extreme, but for me it was essential - at least until I felt strong enough to deal with it.

You're not wasting our time at all. I just hope you find some peace in your life.

phoebe64

Pinot, I did pretty much the same thing Friday night. Got into the open bottles or wine I never touched on Thanksgiving. And I posted about the same exact words about being so in charge of most of my life and so successful at things I try to do, except this one thing.

I am in september's group, but signed in for December this morning to re-commit more solidly for this month as well. Come join us in December thread.

doggonecarl

You may think you don't need it, but obviously you do. Your stuggles to stay quit confirm that. That's what addiction is, a need you must statisfy, no matter what. Treat it as such, change your thinking to accept it, and perhaps your struggles will ease.

PinotNOmore

Maybe I'm a hopeless case. I sure hope not, but no matter my resolve or desire to quit, I seem to always fall.

Need to make this time different. I want a sober December and sober life. I really do.

dwtbd

I thought I wanted to quit and tried many times and always ended up drinking again.

I had to make the decision to quit for good, for ever, decide to never drink again.

I will never drink again, and on that I will never change my mind. That is the decision I made , had to make in order to live that way. I will accomplish this 'never again', by never drinking now, staying resolved in the moment. Never will take care of itself.

I saw a mention of RR/AVRT my first day on this site and after reading through their material I made that decision. I thought for a long time that I did not have total control of that decision, finding out I do is truly liberating.

wish you well

ReadyAtLast

We've all been there. It may be more helpful for you though if you stop being so self defeatist. Telling yourself you can't do something will just confirm to you that you can't and you'll get no where.

It took me many many times of quitting and picking up again before I finally quit last December. Hell I was so ashamed, full of fear, regret, anger, self pity ,lack of self worth and belief too. I;ve been on SR since 2011 but changed my name through embarrasment, shame and cowardice. But something changed. I had to get sober. I really had just had enough. I knew if I carried on nothing would change. ButI had to lose the self pity and lack of belief that I could do it. I knew I could do it but it meant a lot of change and a lot of pain-neither of which I wanted but I knew I had to face my demons and get through it. No it's not easy, but it is do-able and so so worth it.

ScottFromWI

There is no such thing as a hopeless case. You can quit if you want to, that's proven every day here and in AA rooms and hospitals/treatment center around the world.

What needs to be different this time is 100% commitment. That means absolutely admitting to yourself (and perhaps others) that you have a problem and cannot drink. Even earlier in this thread you question that. The next step is taking action to follow a sobriety plan. Maybe it's SR, AA or whatever. But you need to follow through and do the work. Sobriety isn't going to just "happen". Even those who have an epiphany or magical moment that they realize they can't drink again still have to follow a plan to make it happen.

We will always be here if you decide to make this choice. Well also be here if you don't! But in the end is a choice...and only YOU can make it.

MIRecovery

Congratulations on re committing yourself to sobriety

I have heard countless stories identical to yours. Where the person made it through the drinking event only to crack in the days following.

This is my opinion and only my opinion

PEOPLE NEW TO SOBRIETY HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN DRINKING SITUATIONS OF ANY KIND. DOING SO IS PLAYING WITH FIRE

Threshold

I am glad you started this thread.

I have noticed that sometimes a good experience weirds me out more than a bad one, and leaves me feeling so "out there without a net" I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm sober now, but back in my not sober days, a nice date, a successful dinner party or even a very wonderful warm phone call with a friend...I'd feel good for a little while, then something inside me would snap...and I'd feel terrified and panicky...

I don't know if that is what you experienced...but it used to happen to me a lot.

It still happens sometimes, but I don't drink/use over it. I recognize it for what it is...a puzzling, unpleasant but PASSING emotion. I put on some music, or go for a walk, or do housework, or something (play mah jonng on my computer) and it does pass. A few hours or the next morning...I'm usually back to my old self.

I'm glad you came here and shared.