day1 after heavy wd
I'm a mess. In the past it would have been "last week I was a mess---this week I'll be a bit foggy--- next week I'll be fine." Truth is it's time for a change. This isn't working.
Last night was the first night I slept sober and not wd'ing since July. Felt ok today, got a lot done outside. Felt a bit off at times, forgetting what I'm doing etc, but it's better than being drunk or hungover.
I wanted to post this before that week goes by when I determine alcoholism isn't a problem, it was just a binge, and hit the booze again. I wanted to post this while I'm still a bit jaded, while my emotions are flat. I wrote pages worth while wd'ing hardcore but wanted to have some mental stability first. Now I don't know what to write. This message strikes me as cold and flat. A few days ago when I was scared I'd wake up in a hospital the emotions flowed freely.
Hopefully the PAWS remind me just enough of how crummy this feels, though this feels 100x better than that cycle of drinking myself to sleep 15-20 times a week, waking up at whatever random time and just drinking myself right back down again. There'd be a small window that got smaller each day where the baseline wasn't knocking me down and the wd's weren't scaring me enough to prevent the procurement of more booze. The only memories I have of such times are recorded in my log, save for a couple fuzzy images here and there. What a waste of a month. Haven't binged that hard in years, back when I used to hit (or come darn close to) DT's once a month during my monthly drying-out period.
I'm not alone here--body got too sick to drink, and/or GABA receptors too fried to get drunk enough to sleep. Wake up drunk after two hours at first, knowing crisis is near, and finding out only hours (felt like days) went by before thinking I slept but finding out I'm already wd'ing in bed, without even falling asleep. Only the log helped me to realize it. First time I've been there in quite a while, but then I am older now, with many wd's behind me. Was just about as scared this time for my body (and mind) as I was back then about the things that "happened" during hallucinosis/psychosis from going full cold turkey.
Perhaps I should save this in drafts and read it later, as I feel fairly "normal" right now and realize this unfeeling message is about as exciting as me when sober. Normal for me is not feeling. I can function in this state, and my functionality will hopefully improve in time, though I fear not being able to feel anything or have any fun as time goes on. It keeps coming back to that in my logs. Nothing's fun. Everyone else is having a good time (or doing things that disinterest me). At least during the drinking nightly stage I had an escape at night, even now I remember how it felt to have that to look forward to. Then the receptors want more and I start waking up shaking, needing a drink before meeting someone, etc. The disease takes full control and I say screw it in the morning and go into blackout mode for days on end.
A week ago was the first time that has happened in over a year, as far as 24/7 drinking goes, but the me that was "functioning" wasn't happy or very functional. I don't know what to do. Days ago I was very scared, and days from now I will probably be very bored and angry. I can already feel the anger, resentment, shame, derealization, all that, floating about. I really need some help. Thank you for reading.