the (not so) perfect
 

I'm 39 currently spent the last 6years progressivly drinking more untill it became daily. But let me go back a bit first , when I was about 20 I started drinking heavy while in the navy till I was drinking daily at 24 at a certain point I was offered a great job and some how made a decision not to drink I can't really explain how or why I made the decision I just did ? it was pretty simple though my life changed quite a bit. About two years later I started playing chess at a coffe shop eventually AA started meeting up there it seemed as if all they did was talk about not drinking , it seemed they had become addicted to not quitting which to me seemed to be still a state of misary . oddly chess having certain adictive qualities became a "crutch " for many of these people , it is after all , social,stimulating,rewarding and keeps the sub concius as busy as can be ,
fast forward 8 years , totally sober don't even think about alchohal , suddenly I go tru the for what in my reality was the hardest break up possible ? not only do I loose my girlfriend but I loose her family which I had grown to love for the last 3 years. Most of the fault lies on me , though I did not know it at the time ( nor would I know for 3 more years ) I'm in advanced bipolar stages ). regardles I take responsibilty , imediatly after the break up I go into a manic high in wich I do not sleep for 8 days , I go to a er room they give me a seditive and it puts me out for 8 minutes , :( . I contact a good chess friend and a recovering drug user and spiritual mentor , he listens to me explain my sorrow for hurting her and my lonliness , I express how I need just a few hours of escape from this everpresent pain ( at this point it had been 10 days since I had slept ) I said I think I will drink ( I really can't exagerate how emotionally hurting I was for every second of my existance in that period even my fathers death was pailed by this period ) he looked at me and said " it may be a devil you may have to deal with"
two days later I purposefully got drunk , I was very aware of the choice and its future possible consiquinces , fast forward 1 1/2 years drinking on weekends socially making tons of money and start dating a new lady 6 months into the relationship I start feeling odd unexplained pains thru my body at first its intemittent , within two months the pain begins to affect my life for the next year I go in and out of physical therapy . all the while with no relief pain pills don't work (vicoden , perks asprin, oddly ib profren did a tad so did steroids) the only relief was passing out from alchohal and tylonal pm . in 2008 I'm diagnosed with fybromyalgia I'm given cymbalta and the pain vanishes within days . bye this time most of my savings are gone so I'm starting over . ( kinda) in 2011 I'm becoming aware of erattic mood swings in my personality I'm drinking 1/3 days by now though functioning quite well) I see a shrink and we both come to the conclusion I'm bi polar , no suprise to me. I start taking meds and see things differently , though not always in a good way my dreams are almost always unpleasent either some thing of the past I had done or wose existing in a semiconcious state between sleep walking and paralysis ,
within a few months I break up with my girlriend who promptly steals a few thousand from me . the thought of taking her life was something I struggled with for many a night by this time I'm drinking whenever I want , hang overs are horrible , at a very specific time I decide and choose I can drink whenever I want and I do , eight months ago I stop taking my bi polar meds do to lack of money . almost over night the dreams go away and I start forgiving myself for the hurt I caused people ( I never laid hands on any one or anything like that. But I could go into fits of rage , of course I could also go into fits of kindness but those didn't keep me up at night ) last week after spending the last 4 months drunk I some how made a decision not to buy a bottle of gin I had been having to force myself to drink the last month or so and just didn't feel like it . besides I was offered a good job and can see a meaning full future.
Something cleared in my head , I'm not sorowfull for the things I've done I've forgiven myself and believe god has aswell, I still regret things but things like not telling my dad how much I loved him . or taking so long to for give my mother for how she treated me . I'm not going to rush on crushing these ones , I want to rember its important to recognize your feelings towards others .
I'm going to get a lot of flack for this last part but I'm going to put it out there .
I'm thinking about the last time I stoped drinking and how I feel now its over. There may be another time though not any time soon, I don't understand why some people put so much effort into continuing to quite? There comes a time that its over , and I don't even mean to say your moving on to another chapter, to do so would mean that there is causation between your past and present , maybe I'm lucky maybe diferent and certainly undeservingly blessed but I real feal it dosnt have to be the struggle many make it out to be and I'm positive there is a way it can be over quickly .

one last note three years ago my net worth was around 500k now its -30k . I'm not really regretfull of where I'm at , I ve learned so much about me others . the world and everthing else that it was for sure worth the money , granted I don't want to have to miss meals or rake leaves in the cold for $5 a hour anytime soon but then again I'm told I cried when my embilical cord was cut and I've had a lot of good times since
god bless all of you . I hope you find a pit of peace

Welcome and thanks for sharing. Have to be honest, I'm not 100 percent sure what you are asking for though. It sounds like you feel that you have suddenly quit and you feel that it's not reply necessary to put effort into staying quit. Would that be a fair assumption?

I thought that once I made the decision it would be clear sailing too. For some it might be but that was not my experience.

I was kinda expecting recovery to be a straight line - the further I got in time from point A the easier it would be.

It didn't turn out that way - I had many close calls, dark nights of the soul and doubling back in my journey.

Some periods have been pretty rough.

The fact this forum exists shows that my experience is pretty common :)

I really hope you will have an easy journey Admiral and never look back - but in all honesty it will probably serve you best to expect at least a little trouble down the track - that way, at worst, you've slightly over prepared, and at best you'll be keyed in and ready for any turbulence :)

D

I have a great friend who is a recovering crack user , I use the term recovering because thats what he is , he has not used for over 15 years though from what he tells me he would in a second if he could with no ill effects , he's been to a lot of meetings and has put in a lot of work , and I must say I know nothing about crack usage or addiction so I can only compare it to my use of cigiretes and vodka. I told him once how my drinking and smoking ended , that it just happened at some moment spontanious and unplanned he said in adiction terms it was called the "miracle moment " I'm not sure what that means but I'm sure god was involved some how . like I said the last time I stoped I just did , it wasn't really concious , it wasn't hard there was no craving , I didn't miss it want it nor think about it , I'm not a strong willed person nor am I trying to toot my horn , I'm just saying there is another way one where its just gone .
yes I conciouslly started drinking again thoug looking back I can't see me doing anything else if I had to go back in time and go thru the last eight years I would not have the strength to do so ths physical and emotional pain was to great , yes it did make me a better more humble person but I'm weak
I'm not sure how to get to the point where drinking or smoking becomes as alien to your behavior as eating grass . but I know its happened to me and to others like I said I'm positive god plays a role in it . I would seek him out first before I looked elsewhere ,
good night

Fair enough. You might find your niche in AVRT.

Best wishes to ya Admiral :)

D

Thank you and I don't mean to be little anyones struggle , I remember when I was arrogant and judge mental , and looked at addicts ( including my brother ) as a weak pittyfull lot and proudly said it couldn't happen to me how I wish I could have gotten addicted first so I could have been able to understand and comfort my sibling , what a ass I was