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Not Drinking on Thanksgiving

Old 11-28-2013, 11:21 AM
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Not Drinking on Thanksgiving

The most incredible thing happened to me today. This is Thanksgiving in America, a holiday which is taken very seriously in New England, perhaps too seriously. We have no children living near us and so we decided to have Thanksgiving dinner at a local church my wife attends from time to time. Things went well and I happened to be sitting opposite a woman who asked me whether I was a Christian. Half humorously I replied that I was “working on it”. “That’s not good enough!” she replied, “It looks like you don’t have long to do that”. So I said that my belief was that there were many possible paths to salvation and that I saw some good in a number of different religions and beliefs. I specifically mentioned the Dalai Lama. She said that she respected him for his beliefs but didn’t agree with his approach. Well I thought that that settled the theological part of the discussion for awhile.
After everyone got their food and I was sampling the stuffing and a little ham she asked me what I was doing for my wife, how I was helping her. Now I may not be the greatest of husbands but I do wash more than half of the dishes (she gets her part done by helpers who come in daily), I take out the garbage, do all the grocery shopping that doesn’t get delivered, drive her to the doctors (she doesn’t drive), feed the dog, pay the bills. She doesn't like it here all winter. Says it's too cold. So I've offered to take her to California for two weeks to see her sisters or maybe even a two week cruise to the Caribbean.
So anyway, again I tried to respond a little humorously and said that Lincoln said a pretty good thing, I thought. He said, “I tried to do the best I knew how.”
With that this strange woman looked at me and said, “You’re a pig headed person who thinks only of himself and doesn’t love his wife.”
I looked at her, put down my knife and fork, walked out to the car and drove home. Was I wrong to leave? Did I overreact? Maybe that’’s not important. The important thing is that I didn’t drink over it and I’m not going to do that. When I got home I was shaking all over and took a beta blocker pill since I’ve had heart trouble. That’s what my doctor told me to do when I felt that way.

W.
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Old 11-28-2013, 11:26 AM
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What a vile unchristian woman!! Well done for walking away from it - I'm not sure I could have done. Hope you're feeling better soon Xx
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Old 11-28-2013, 11:29 AM
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wpainterw,
you add a lot to these forums with your postings , I think you're a giving and nice person .
I think this was her problem and not yours . I'd drop it right there and get on with having a joyous sober thanksgiving ..



Bestwishes, m
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Old 11-28-2013, 11:34 AM
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I wouldn't take people like that too seriously. They're just self-righteous busybodies. Good for your for walking away.

Take a deep breath and remember that you don't have to justify yourself to some random stranger.

Glad you're not drinking.
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Old 11-28-2013, 11:53 AM
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I agree with cup of joe

From what I see here on SR, you live your truth & goodness.

No need to explain yourself. I sure hope you feel ok, take care.
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Old 11-28-2013, 12:00 PM
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she asked me what I was doing for my wife, how I was helping her. Now I may not be the greatest of husbands but I do wash more than half of the dishes (she gets her part done by helpers who come in daily), I take out the garbage, do all the grocery shopping that doesn’t get delivered, drive her to the doctors (she doesn’t drive), feed the dog, pay the bills. She doesn't like it here all winter. Says it's too cold. So I've offered to take her to California for two weeks to see her sisters or maybe even a two week cruise to the Caribbean.
Will you marry me?lmao
Well done for walking away and not cussing her out and telling her to mind her own freaking business
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Old 11-28-2013, 12:03 PM
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I agree with the others, wpainter, particularly Mecanix. Ugly inside usually means ugly outside too. You were obviously being polite, not pigheaded, and trying to deflect what, in my opinion, are personal matters that no one has any business confronting you with. Especially a stranger. Especially over Thanksgiving dinner. You were the bigger person here.

It's her issue, not yours. Let it go at that. It might have served a higher purpose you're not seeing. She got that rage out on you (someone who can handle it) when she may have attacked someone else who couldn't. Or worse.

Happy Thanksgiving and I, for one, think you're a damn good husband!
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Old 11-28-2013, 01:06 PM
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Wow, what an experience! That would be hard for me to shake off, too. In a way, you have to feel sorry for someone like that. Self-righteousness, judgment, indignation, anger—all of them unprovoked—suggest she's coming from a pretty awful place.

I think how you handled it—looking out for yourself by disengaging, feeling no need to either defend yourself or to go on the offensive—says a lot about the place you're at, too. Seems like a really good place. Happy thanksgiving to you and yours.

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Old 11-28-2013, 01:12 PM
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I'm angry on your behalf W. She was looking for an argument - on Thanksgiving of all days - what a hypocrite. I feel you handled it graciously, but I'm very sorry you were upset.
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Old 11-28-2013, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by ReadyAndAble View Post

I think how you handled it—looking out for yourself by disengaging, feeling no need to either defend yourself or to go on the offensive—says a lot about the place you're at, too. Seems like a really good place.
Think RAA nailed it , one day i hope i'll write a post like that .. , m
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Old 11-28-2013, 01:31 PM
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When I live my recovery life which is
an awesome gift for this recovering
alcoholic, then I know in my gut that
I'm being watched over, cared for,
guided and blessed each day from my
Higher Power as I understand Him,
no matter what anyone else says or
thinks of me.

When I find faults in another, I try
to remember that I'm judging or
questioning God's handy work. And
because I can't control others, I
merely place them in the Hands of
the Man upstairs and brush my hands
off and move forward to living my
own life.

Happy Sober Thanksgiving to you
and yours..!
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Old 11-28-2013, 01:39 PM
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wpainterw -

You absolutely did the right thing. The only option we have, in some cases, is to simply walk away. We only have control over ourselves, and if that means we have to remove ourselves from bad situations, it's the right move.

Very sorry you experienced this troubling encounter. On the bright side, you did the right thing. Feel proud of yourself this Thanksgiving.

All the best.
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Old 11-28-2013, 02:11 PM
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wpainterw I think you did well, I think I might have been very rude to her and good on you for not drinking. Your posts here are always very kind, I don't think such writing would come from a person who didn't care about others.

I hope you are enjoying a hot drink and a good read on SR.
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Old 11-28-2013, 02:15 PM
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Sounds like it's her problem w.
You handed it with more dignity that I might have.

D
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Old 11-28-2013, 02:17 PM
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Let me say how much I appreciate all your support and helpful comments. In a way you have become my family out there. You know, I have come to realize that there is often a kernel of truth in even the most outrageous things. She called me "selfish", "pig headed", thinking only of myself. In my drinking years, long ago, I was often that way. Anyone who has this illness tends to be so. It's the alcohol. The body wants it to continue. Needs it to self medicate when the times get tough or even when you feel you need some kind of reward. That's "pig headed", "selfish". And shameful. Yes, we're experts in shame, guilt. We've been there, done that. My wife said she was told the sermon this morning (we didn't attend the service) was about being thankful not only for the good things but also for the hard times we've sometimes had, because the hard times teach us something. Wisdom comes from suffering as the Greeks would say. So we've got a lot to be thankful for because we've suffered. My God (!) how we've suffered and how we've made other people suffer! We've seen the slow decay of self respect, and lived with shame and guilt, if one could call that living. We've seen our very souls corrode and decay.And at times we've seen disaster staring us right in the face and sought refuge in a bottle.
So, knowing nothing of where I've been, of who I am, she was right in a way. I came home, shaking all over, took a beta blocker pill like my doctor said, almost burned a pot making soup and now I feel a little better. Tomorrow we shall have sunshine. Thanksgiving is over.
_____________________________
"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our despair, against our own will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."

Aeschylus-lines 179-182 of the Agamemnon,







W.
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Old 11-28-2013, 02:19 PM
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I don't think I've seen your posts before but I'd like to apologize for all of humanity for that person's behavior. I try to defuse nosy questions with humor as well. Not drinking over it was the most important thing, I agree.

I hope the rest of your day is better.
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Old 11-28-2013, 02:31 PM
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There's no 'kernel of truth' in the observations of someone who's just met you, w.
We all take such criticism to heart tho.

My advice is try and let it go - she's rented enough space in your head - evict her.

D
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Old 11-28-2013, 04:06 PM
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Awwww, sorry this happened, but glad you handled it the way you did. Get some rest and enjoy the sunshine tomorrow
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Old 11-28-2013, 04:25 PM
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Sorry you had to go through that. I was going to say you might have met the human form of Grumpy Cat (aka Carlotta's avatar) but I actually think Grumpy Cat sounds a little nicer.

What a grump. You however, are lovely. Happy Thanksgiving W!
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Old 11-28-2013, 04:29 PM
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Wow, Bill, that is just an awful experience. I'm so impressed that you walked away with dignity. I'd like to believe that I would do the same thing in that situation.

As Dee said, there is no kernel of truth. The woman was a toxic person who set out to hurt someone.
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