7Stance

Hi, I'm not real good at introductions, but I wanted to say hello I suppose. I'm not really addicted to anything, I don't drink or do drugs anymore. So I suppose I should get that out of the way, as I'm not sure this is the right place for me.
The main reason I've joined is because my life has taken alot of awkward turns, and in combination of extremely light drug use of the years, I feel quite fragmented. Alot of aspects of my personality and mental makeup are gone, or perhaps silent. I have no sleeping schedule anymore, I can't focus on anything as I just feel like I "heat up" so I change the subject to something that bombards me instead of trying to learn or read anything. I go through phases in the day where I feel inspired and determined to "do" things, but it takes so long to attempt to open it. I feel drawn elsewhere, probably alot of it is that I don't care and feel detached from the world. I really hate the concept of life, but I'm not using that as an excuse, it just perplexes me and feels fake. Again I can see through this for the benefits, but it's a definite issue, as I feel surrounded by lies and prophetic futuristic mentalities that say "do this for that". Again I can get around this, and I Respect the people who day in and day out commit their lives to helping maintain a level of balance and life for other people, especially myself. I don't mean to bitch especially about all the creature comforts I use, but .. well in anycase that's all a completely different ****** up perception of mine. When I start looking at the world I get enraged by the manipulation and deception, and especially delusional acceptance of one set of standards but denying their existence or creating rational justifications for not enacting them in other situations.

But my main problems are now I have no routine. I want to sleep as I only find some degree of peace there. I am out of work atm, I'm trying to urge up to finding a job again. I can do this tomorrow if I just did it, and I want to, and am saying I will. But my word has gone so much to **** it ******* hurts when tomorrow I wake up and feel like goo without any sense of reason or purpose but to just feel "fine". I eventually re-center myself but .. i get frustrated by the reasons. Again it's my fault for these reasons so I know I have to endure this and see through it, then act to make what I want happen.
I would like to just be able to read this damn book, but I get so far and get overloaded. I need to learn things, I'm going nuts not learning and building or exploring new things. Or growing. I just keep falling into this circle where I feel no perspective of direction. I hate getting help because what's the point if I can't help myself. .. and I'll probably feel like **** later for showing how much of a loser I am like this. Though I suppose through all the failings I've created, it will only feel like a deep throb for a moment then revert back to "normality".

Idk, might be the wrong place, sorry if it is. I just thought maybe some people here might have an idea of the more practical understanding of evasion and other things I can't quite define properly. Especially this damn ability to not carry on from one day to the next free flowing.

I've tried suicide forums but they just always end up with "Making friends" on there and getting advise that doesn't really help. It's all about "taking time" and stuff like that. I am taking time.. and it's killing any hope of doing anything productive with this life I have. I try asking my parents for help but they don't particularly understand, my gf's just tired and doesn't understand or has the energy to actually connect with my extreme difficulty with doing things now. Before when I was younger it was "Idea/want then immediately doing it when I said I would". Now it's Idea/want... fizzle.. Idk..

Thanks for reading in anycase if you did. Kind regards

Skye2

to the forum Have you ever checked with your doctor regarding depression?

7Stance

Thanks Skye2.
To your question, no to be frank about it. I ... idk this sounds stupid but I have many issues with being defined, especially on a medical report. I've tried numerous times to talk to a doctor but they just ... I really dislike how they look at things and talk to me. The main thing is I know I have depressive qualities, but I don't believe I have depression in itself. I just focus on my negative aspects because they are like a wound that is going unchecked. I know there are positive aspects, and life to me is amazing... but.. I stay away from it because I just screw everything up. All my perceptions and conversational techniques, viewpoints, social aspects ect have decayed and that sort of injection is negative around other people. I can eventually regain that "Normality" again, but everything is all poxed up. The main thing for me is that I have trouble reading and not getting overloaded. I don't quite understand what this possibly can mean. Maybe it's a ego issue with feeling inferior indirectly by not understanding how everything I'm reading works or ties together in the overall scheme and I feel hopeless or it seems pointless because I am also impatient in an indirect way aswell.

Idk.. There's alot going on, and I can see it if I want to.. the problem is I wake up in the morning feeling like a gel, my drive from the previous day is gone. I have to find it, but I don't even feel the drive to refind it because I can't remember it that well. I feel more inclined to sit down and bombard myself with nothing. And this cycle is making me very frustrated deeper inside because I know I'm better than this, however I am proving myself completely wrong.

I know you're right that the best answer is to go seek professional medical advice. I choose not to. I couldn't cope with getting out of this by needing help to that degree. I need to pick myself up or I'll never trust myself in serious situations. Some might argue the most responsible position would be to force myself to seek medical advice, but I feel otherwise. I know I can build off of what I retain, I just am having trouble retaining a position so I can build on it. I sorta was hoping I might find some points of view, or techniques for avoiding distractions or behaviors that are counter productive and somehow... well I'm not sure. I start feeling like I'm boxing myself and I feel a bit caged and want to rage out when I start doing this. It's difficult finding the harmony between freedom and dedicated commitments/limitations.

The last time I mentioned something to a doctor she mentioned about the great medical advancements they've made and that the medications currently available have come in great leaps in bounds. This was simply from saying general stuff about feeling down everyday. I don't need chemical stability, I need to know what I want and to focus properly. It's just difficult to maintain my perspective, especially after I sleep. Unless I sleep to this deep point and wake up on my own accord. But that rarely happens because life demands I wake up earlier then I want at present. Then I just.. zombie about and indirectly hurt myself by saying things that I don't do. I've taken to not talking because I cant stand saying something and not doing it. Or starting something then immediately feeling overcome and distracting myself with useless things.
idk... I appreciate the reply. I know what you're saying

Skye2

I totally understand your point of view One thing though, depression is bio-chemical, it's extremely hard to just 'wish it away' or (as some would foolishly say) to 'snap out of it'. I went to my doctor over it as I realised that I only have one life and it's not a dress rehearsal, you know, so why suffer when medicine can help stablise, so that I can work on underlying problems.

I honestly do respect you not wanting medication - I was exactly the same for a long time

Hope you stick around - your posts are really interesting

hayley86

Welcome 7Stance, there is lots of support here. Best wishes.

7Stance

I hear you Skye2. I think one of the things for me is overcome all of these issues head on as they come, while maintaining a foundation I believe in or something to that effect. Drugs would just confuse me or make me feel out of place from my natural state. I'd rather appriciate what's wrong and go from there I guess.
And yeah it's just a personal point of view. I know a couple people that have progressed so much from seeking medical advice and taking treatment they recieved. I'm not knocking it, just more saying I don't think the approach is appriopriate for me personally.

Thankyou very much for the replies Skye2 and hayley86. I think I'll take a look at the sticky threads for a bit

kind regards

Skye2

You're very welcome

least

to SR! This is an amazing place with lots of support and useful information. I hope we can help you in some way.

Dee74

Hi 7stance

while I respect your point of view, and I know you'll do as you wish - and more power to you - I found I needed outside help to 'sort myself' out.

I needed that outside perspective which I can never have myself. It was like I was in the middle of a vast dark sea - I needed someone with a light on the shore to help me in to dry land.

I couldn't think myself out of my situation because my thinking processes and my perspective were a little messed up.

I understand this experience may not be helpful to you, and that's ok - no harm no foul - I hope someone else here can help

7Stance

tbh I don't want help. But I feel completely drained, especially by association. And I continuously attempt to place blame on anyone around me but I have a extreme defensive wall when it comes to being mistreated, subjected to things I don't agree with or being hindered by apathetic behavior. Now I am so apathetic it's unbelievable. I've had to re-communicate with my parents on ways that just make me want to shred my existence to nothing. I can't abandon where I am, but at the same time it feels like it's going no where.

Even if I put all this aside, I feel 100% unproductive, uncreative, unexpressive, I don't exist. Everything I built up since I Was a child has decayed to a point I can't retrieve it. I had a degree of comprehension and patience that let me maintain a position and not respond to surface simulations... but now. I'm having trouble dealing with everything.
idk what to do tbh. And I don't want to die knowing that I failed even more and had to "ask" some other individual for "Help". I'd rather deal with myself, but I feel unresponsive unless it's a dire situation, and even then I'm so tired of being humiliated that I just don't care. My heads just a mess, all my friends are back in my native country, so I have no one to talk to. Everyone else has the dumbest way of dealing with things. So ******* dumb but I can't explain how wrong it is to me. Sure they get things done and pile through, but they forfit so much. Oh idk, I could look at something one moment and see an echo of what I thought the next. Eventually seeing it completely different. My ability to maintain a standard is so hurt. People don't care about people the same way here. They don't see the good, and I ******* have to always absorb this pessimistic view. I strived to see the better side of everything but now im so tired. Nothing has been gained in over a decade, infact I've lost more, subjected myself to poor situations because of association... and I can't get over it. I feel like an absolute liar especially to myself that I have given up even maintaining things I say I will do in a matter of seconds because I won't do it. Because I feel it's going to be **** on or not go anywhere.
Then I get outside opinions that are so distorted and ******* stupid that I lose my point of view more and more and more and more and more. Now I'm just thinking I was just an idea, an idea with no spine, no strength, no ability to weather different storms or flows. Inadvertently a leech to the direction of others. And tbh I'm struggling to not define myself too harshly. Because the last parts of me want nothing to do with this ugly definition I'm creating for myself, I don't want to live or be or survive like this. I was taught better, I am aware of better, but I don't perform better.

See what I mean, Socially I know this is a real mistake to say. Everythings gone or I'm refusing to be a better part of myself because of the **** parts that are flourishing. And I don't want to be a contradiction, manipulator, liar... there's enough of that in the world. I love clear honest sight, and an ability to do maintain it and build upon it. Instead I'm stuck with myself and I'm going nuts. Idk..