Kawai

Not every night, but maybe 3 or 4 times a week, I decide to have a drink at home, alone. Sometimes I have cider, sometimes a vodka and coke or something. I only ever plan on having one or two. But somehow, nearly every time I end up drunk. I end up blacking out. I wake up the next morning and spend hours trying to piece the evening before together. I spend hours worrying about what I said to my flatmates or weird things I might have done. I swear I will stop drinking. And maybe that night I don't drink. But then a few nights pass, and I do the whole thing over again.

I need to stop. It's scaring me how little control I have once I start drinking. A few months ago I decided to stop drinking spirits as they make me black out. Drinking cider means I can get drunk but not black out. But then last week while drunk I walked to the shop and bought a litre bottle of rum. I finished it last night and went out again and bought vodka.

This morning I've woken up barely able to remember yesterday evening. It was a Wednesday night and I was just at home with my flatmates. That's not normal. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post, I just wanted to write my thoughts down I guess. I'm a 21 year old girl, I don't know anyone in a similar situation, all my friends drink normally. I know what to do, I just know I can't put up with this endless worry about what happened when I was blacked out anymore. I've been lurking here for a while, but I've finally decided to post because I do want to stop drinking. And I want to carry on wanting to stop, not change my mind in a few days when I've forgotten the feeling of now. Does that make sense?

KateL

Perfect sense. You are not alone. You want to stop which is the best start. I hope you find the support you need soon xx

Skye2

to SR

GracieLou

Yes. I understand. The first step is admitting we have a problem. The second is to reach out for help.

You do not have to live like this anymore. There is help here. We all have been there and we all started with day one. Take it easy and take it one day at time. Post as much as you want. We are here to support you.

cheebiechi

Like Kate said

It makes perfect sense, And the realization of wanting to stop and there is a problem is the first step spot on. Once I realized that, for me it was taking the next right step which was to search for help, and coming here is a great start.

Keep an open mind and heart and let god do for you what you cannot do for yourself.

Take care, and many blessings

Matt

hayley86

Welcome Kawai, it makes sense to me. I used to desperately try to control my drinking. I also tried switching to drinks that were less strong. None of this worked for me because i have no ability to moderate my drinking. I would drink and black out and the panic and anxiety the next day was unbearable for me.The only way for me to live my life is to abstain from alcohol completely. It's great not having to worry about what i might have said or done now. There is so much support here. Glad you have joined us.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Kawai

It makes perfect sense to me too - not knowing what happened last night, but having that sinking feeling in your stomach that something bad did occur, is terrible.

One of the very real benefits of recovery is never having to feel that way again

Supports important - when those rationalising thoughts come and you start to convince yourself you're not that bad, use the support here - re-read your posts.

SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you to do the same

D

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Kawai!! . . . you'll find plenty of like minded people here, I was similar, never could have 1 beer or a glass of spirits, always had to finish the 6 pack or the bottle, or even both.

I used to then have anxiety that I was running low on something to drink, which caused me to always stockpile a sufficient volume of alcohol for each night so I wouldn't run the risk of running dry. Understandably then blacking out and waking up not remembering the previous night was a regular occurance!! . . . so yes it all makes sense!

IOAA2

Welcome Kawai. Most here have gone through very similar experiences with the same results. For me I can not drink any alcohol in safety, which means I can't guarantee what the results will be if I pick up the FIRST drink. The answer to the turmoil I was in ended up with me accepting that fact and getting honest with myself about MY drinking. By going to AA my eyes opened to what I was doing to myself and what my course to sobriety is. The journey is very worthwhile.

BE WELL

girlsearching

Kawai:

I wish I would have been as wise at your age. I ignored all the signs and lived a long life of shame and hurting others and myself. For you to gain control over this now at the tender age of 21, wow you have a whole life ahead of you.
Good luck. You can achieve anything you want.

PerfectCircle45

If I had a nickel for every time I blacked out. Well I would have a ton of nickels but I don't remember exactly how many :-)

I am 25 now and have struggled in and out of AA since I was 21. Just recently relapsed after almost 3 years but AA has "ruined" my drinking in the best way and I stopped myself before continuing on to the bitter end.

Find some meetings in your area, find a girl that has qualities that you admire and ask her to show you the ropes. There is A LOT of fun to be had in sobriety, but you have to do some work to get there. Get a sponsor, say OK to their suggestions without hesitation, and before you know it you will have a new host of friends and peace of mind that you did not imagine possible.

Best wishes!

Kyle

Kawai

Thank you for the replies everyone

misspond

Hi Kawai. You can do this you know. It might take a bit of work and it might take a few tries to get it right, but it is doable (giving up drinking, you knew I meant that right?).

One of the hardest things to wrap your head round is the idea that you will never drink again. Once you've made that decision, even though you know it's for the best, you might decide to test yourself, to see if you can "just have one". Read posts here (and look at yourself closely enough) and you'll know that one is never enough.

Try a few techniques - it could be a meeting, reading a recovery book, posting and reading here. You'll find a way because you found your way here. x

Seiceps

I was starting to get pretty messy in front of my flat mates at 21. I'm 38 now. It doesn't get any better. Pretty on to it of you to have posted here and looking at yourself in this way. It's so hard when everyone is doing it around you and being " normal" Out of a big group of friends from that time I've got a serious problem , 2 have slightly less heavy drinking issues , 1 has been on the sickness benefit for alcoholism for last 6/7 years and is also now a crack addict. All of us girls were well educated , well traveled , intelligent and beautiful. Definitely sorting it out now wil save years of drama and torment. You go girl

cheebiechi

Kawai,

Today is a new day, make the most out of it, as tomorrow will settle itself out then!!

I am very grateful to be waking up without a hang over today!!! yee haw

Matt

zhask

Its the start thats the toughest in my opinion, i am on my 4th try now, in total i was 9 months sober counting everything. It's better than nothing!