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Deny Deny Deny

Old 11-27-2013, 09:13 PM
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Deny Deny Deny

I apologize in advance for the length. This is the first time I've written anything down about my drinking. It all sorta came out like word vomit. I appreciate those that read it.

I can remember being very young, around 7 or 8 , and my grandfather would ask me to grab him a few "cold ones" from the fridge in the garage. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up; they are huge pieces of my heart. Every time I would come back with his beer, I'd crack open the top (still one of my favorite sounds in the world) and I'd take the first sip out of both cans. He never seemed to care and in fact I believe it was encouraged. He would down several of them each evening. The taste of Budweiser, to this day, is still something that takes me back in time to those moments as a child.

I remember my first drink I was around 15 or so. I was at my aunt and uncles house and they had Zima (lol) in the fridge. For whatever reason, I opened it and drank it. Then I drank another one. I remember catching a buzz and enjoying it immensely. I was never a rebellious child so I didn't drink again after that for a while. When I was 17 I got hammered for the first time. Vodka/red bull all night long at a friends house party. I was a complete mess and had to be carried out and taken home. My parents found out through the grapevine but my brother and friends backed me up and told them it wasn't true. I was off the hook.

From that point on I started drinking more often. Lying to my parents about where I was (raised a very strict Jehovah's Witness, but that's another story in itself). I started struggling with my sexuality around this time and had finally admitted to being gay. I kept this my secret except for a few close friends. The events from 17-20 are extremely fuzzy and I remember little. I drank heavily and I binged at least 4 or 5 nights a week. Once I took that first sip, (gulp rather) there was no going back. I was the girl vomiting in the corner of the yard and coming back asking for another beer.

I left my parents home right before my 20th birthday. They at this point knew I was gay and of course did not accept it. I chose to leave the religion and I was exiled/excommunicated. There I was, 20 years old, lost my family, my friends, my foundation, and myself. Lost and hopeless aren't even the right words to describe how I felt. I luckily had a few good friends I had made in school and one family took me in and let me live with them. I still adore that family and see them more as my family than my actual family. They are such beautiful souls and I will be forever grateful towards them.

Needless to say, I was in a very bad mental place and I was so far from stable. I drank everyday and smoked pot all day long. There were hardly ever any moments of sobriety. This continued for a few years, and I became suicidal because of my lonesomeness. I have such intense memories of hating myself, and wishing that I was different and that I could be the perfect daughter and sister and niece. I must give my mother credit before I say anymore. She always let me know how much she loved me. She would call on random occassions just to make sure I was ok. She would show up at my apartment with bags of groceries and $100 and simply tell me to "make wise choices." I love my mother dearly, and I know she tries hard to be the best mother she can be under the circumstances with their religion. I know she loves me.

I had brief spouts of sobriety from 22-24. I enjoyed smoking weed and chose this oftentimes over alcohol. Yet, still, when I think back on all of this, I realize that any time I did drink, I would either pass out or black out. Usually both lol I dated and had a few serious girlfriends but we drank a lot together and I don't think it was ever based on anything solid. There came a point when I was 23 that my mother told me none of my family would ever speak to me again unless I went back to the religion and stopped being gay. Ha! Like one can just stop. Anyways, they stood firm to their promise and I haven't spoken to most of my family, except my mother, for over 3 years.

This is when it began to get bad in my opinion. I was severely depressed and talked about suicide everyday to my then girlfriend. I completely mutilated that relationship from all of my drunken bouts. I was hospitalized 4 times because of alcohol and had to have IV's because I was so dehydrated and malnourished. My drinking continued. Most recently, this past June, I had been drinking at an old job with some old coworkers for about 9 hours one day. I chose to drive the 20 miles home and my vintage VW Golf. I don't recall if anyone tried to stop me. (I have a very long track record of drinking and driving). I ended up smashing my car into a cement wall on the freeway going 65 mph. I am so thankful I did not harm another person, I cannot imagine how different my life would be if I had. I am thankful I always wore my seat belt out of habit, because I believe it saved my life. I was pretty beaten up but I walked away from it. Well I drove away from it.. in the back of a cop car. I blew a .248 and was charged with a super extreme DUI (AZ). I just served 2 weeks in county jail and got out last Thursday. Right before that at the end of last month, I showed up to work still drunk from the night before and was fired. The best job I've ever had. Lost my car, my driving privileges, my job and my respect for myself. I ask myself, how much loss will it take?

What's funny (not really at all) is that I still cannot admit that I'm an alcoholic. I'm 26 years old.. I'm too young to be an alcoholic. I'll probably be an alcoholic in 26 more years, but surely not now. What idiotic thinking lol I went to an AA meeting in jail and it opened my mind a bit and I really liked it. I had been to an NA meeting once with a friend earlier this year and definitely did not feel I fit there. I am petrified to go to a meeting now though, and I think it's because I'm starting to realize there is a problem with my drinking. Denial can be such a powerful force.

As I write this, I am hungover as **** and haven't been able to keep food down. Hard cider and I had quite the party last night. What is scary is that writing all of this down has put a lot into perspective. I think my own words are proof enough. Why do I feel so scared? Why do I feel like living a sober life sounds absolutely terrible? I want to stop drinking. I want to be healthy. I want to truly love myself and forgive myself for all that has been said and done. I want to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see. Where does one even start to change their life?
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Old 11-27-2013, 09:23 PM
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Welcome, Brit!

I really think you'll find a lot of the answers you seek at AA meetings, and there's lots of advice and support here at SoberRecovery if you care to use it.

The thing I like about AA is that it goes beyond just not drinking, and really shows you how to change your life.
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Old 11-27-2013, 09:31 PM
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Welcome and thanks for sharing your story Britters. You sound like a very intelligent person that has had a very rough go of it. The good news is you can quit if you want to, and you have your whole life in front of you to enjoy it sober. How can we help?
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Old 11-27-2013, 09:33 PM
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Britters (love the name) I'm sure you find a lot of help and support on SR and there is a LGBT section , if you want to go there too? Look forward to reading more from you. Xx
PS There are many methods of recovery on the site - not just AA .
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Old 11-27-2013, 09:42 PM
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Sober life does seem scary but it is so amazing. You dont have to call yourself an alcoholic if you don't want to but you can stop drinking.

You can also find LGBT meetings by going online, my home group is LGBT and it is nice to be able to open up and share that experience with others.
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Old 11-27-2013, 09:45 PM
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Crazybritters, age has nothing to do with being an alcoholic. I wished I had been debating weather is was an alcoholic or not at your age, at least you are on the right track. I hope you quickly get over the excommunication krap and make choices for yourself. Jehovah's Witness is a freak religious organization that should be against the law, your sexual preference is biological and natural. I've hated my father, oldest brother, the catholic church, myself, and on and on and on. Hating is a waste of time and there is no beneficial return to you for hating, please learn how to stop hating. Rootin for ya.

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Old 11-27-2013, 09:52 PM
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Hi and welcome britters
as cliche as it might be, you start at the very beginning...

you decide today is no drink day, you follow that up with another and another and another...

Whatever changes you need to make to your life to help that process along, make them.

Whenever you need support, reach out and ask for it. There's plenty of support and ideas here

soon, if you're committed and giving it all you've got, you'll find you have a sober momentum building up...and then forever won't seem as abstract or daunting anymore

D
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Old 11-27-2013, 10:03 PM
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Originally Posted by crazybritters View Post
Why do I feel so scared? Why do I feel like living a sober life sounds absolutely terrible?
Because to an alcoholic, we see the problem (alcohol) as our only solution. Until you are desperate enough to seriously try giving up the mythical solution, it's almost impossible to quit. There are lots of words that describe it: denial, delusion, reservations, justifications, fear... but they are only as real as you allow them to be. Get to another meeting, stay open minded, and get a sponsor. Sobriety is not what you think it is - it's a gift, not a sacrifice.

Good luck, you are not alone.
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Old 11-28-2013, 02:18 AM
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Welcome to the Forum!!
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Old 11-28-2013, 04:52 AM
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Originally Posted by crazybritters View Post
Why do I feel so scared? Why do I feel like living a sober life sounds absolutely terrible? I want to stop drinking. I want to be healthy. I want to truly love myself and forgive myself for all that has been said and done. I want to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see. Where does one even start to change their life?
Welcome! Thank you so much for being so open and honest. You are a wonderful writer and I can sense a gentle soul in you just from your post.

While our circumstances are quite different I understand EXACTLY how it feels to be sick and tired of drinking to oblivion and the consequences it causes but also being terrified of living without alcohol. My first "rock bottom" moment was when I couldn't imagine life with alcohol or without it.

As to where to start to change your life, you already have! Posting to and reading here on SR is a great start. You said you liked the AA meeting you went to; I suggest going to more. AA saved my life when I first got sober. I suggest going to a few different meetings as they can vary quite a bit. There are all kinds of different meetings including beginner's meetings, women's meetings, and LGBT meetings. Tell the people at a couple meetings that you are new and there should be plenty of volunteers to help you get oriented.
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Old 11-28-2013, 05:39 AM
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Hi britters and welcome.
There is a 24 hour thread on the site you can sign up for--that can help you get your first day and beyond, one day at a time. We also have a monthly group of support. I'm an October but I actually started posting in September right at the end of the month just as it is now. That's nice because most people there are where you are--early in sobriety and it helps to support each other. This newcomers thread is always active and helpful too.

It sounds like you've had a rough road, but you can change that starting today.
Please take care and keep posting.
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Old 11-28-2013, 05:47 AM
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Welcome Britters. There is much help here as well as AA IF we absorb it in a healthy way. It took too long for me to understand and accept many things I heard. I hated the word alcoholic while I was drinking! At some point someone suggested that I instead accept the concept that I could not drink alcohol in safety and that was softer to my sensitivity.

I needed listening at many meetings to become comfortable in my skin and so continue to go many years later and know it works if we work it.

BE WELL
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Old 11-28-2013, 07:49 AM
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Thank you all for the wonderful welcome here! Lots of great things were said and I appreciate all of the help put out towards me.
Today will be my first sober day and my hopes of many more to follow. It's hard today, what with it being Thanksgiving and all. I've always said I can typically (usually.. kind of) control picking up a drink in the first place. The problem lies therein after I pick it up, that I cannot seem to put it down. Complete and total loss of control. It makes me wonder if this control issue is a part of other aspects of my life. Probable.

As far as AA goes, I live in a populous city and I know there will be many options in regards to which one I will like. I just need to do it. I have always seemed to lack some sort of motivation for years. I do not have that driving force as intensely as I see it in close friends. I wonder to myself if this has anything to do with my drinking. Again, probable.

Someone mentioned that I have hate inside of me. I'm not sure how much I agree with that, if any. For several years after leaving my parents house I had some very intense anger issues and I would definitely mask them with drinking. Currently though, I have learned much about forgiveness and love. I haven't mastered them by any means, but I have come a long way. I have moments of anger towards my family (usually when I'm drunk), but overall I try my hardest to expell love into the universe. I think discontinuing my drinking will help with this also. I'm a firm believer in the idea of everything happening for a reason. Behind all of the choices we make day in and day out, there are always lessons to be learned. I am still learning and trying to remember that the past cannot be changed and the future doesn't exist yet, but that this present moment is all we ever really have. I just want to give it my best and make sure I treat each moment special. I made a dedication to myself yesterday, shortly after vomiting from the night before, that I will try my best to stay sober. I have to try. So with that being said, Sober Life here I come!
Happy Holiday's all!
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Old 11-28-2013, 07:51 AM
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It is soooo scary, but such a relief a little further down the line. I think we all agree on that
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