I'm Back!
 

... and I'm sorry to say that after doing so well, I've relapsed :(

As some of you know, I recently moved in with my boyfriend. I can honestly say that I've never been this happy in a relationship or so sure that I want to spend my life with someone except for that one glaring and horrifying reality: he's a HEAVY drinker.

Now he feels bad because he thinks he did this to me, which I keep assuring him is not the case. My choice, my fault.

I really want to beat this, and I know I can. He says he does too, but we make promises to each other to not drink, one of us caves, and it's the same terrible story all over again.

I guess I just really needed to vent.

I hope you're all well <3

Welcome back. When I stopped drinking I asked hubby to refrain from drinking in our home, as I too would "cave". It made it much easier to get over the hump.

I hope you can figure out what you need in order to remain sober.

Yeah, I think I need to put my foot down. It's a problem for both of us, but he has no sober time, and I know how scary that can be. Clearly necessary, but scary.

When I was bouncing around I never took responsibility for my actions as I usually had alcohol in my system directing me. I finally made the resolve that I would not drink under any circumstances and stuck to it. It was difficult at first but became much easier with time.


BE WELL

Alphabet, what specifically occurred that made you relapse? If you want to share, that is. If your boyfriend is a heavy drinker, achieving sobriety immediately as a pre-condition to the health of your relationship may not be realistic. He may need some time to determine how to best accomplish sobriety.

In the meantime, learning whatever trigger caused you to slip (whether behavior, a particular activity, etc.) could prevent additional slips. Identifying problem behaviors/activities could help both of you stay the course until you each get fully on track.

I really hope he is willing to do this.
If your sobriety is being compromised, and he is unwilling or unable to comply, what kind of plan will you put in place for yourself?

Hey, Alphabet. It is nice to have you back with us. :grouphug:

Welcome back!

Hey alphabet, welcome back! That's great you decided tha quitting again is for you. If your partner wants to quit as well, good for him too!

I think you know though that your sobriety journey is yours alone. You might have to be the one to set an example, get healthy and happy on your own. He might go with you or he may not. He might down the road join you, he may not. That's his journey.

If we tie our sobriety to others in any way, it puts conditions and undue risks on us.

You can do this, we are cheering you on!

Hey Alphabet. I relate to, "we make promises to each other to not drink, one of us caves, and it's the same terrible story all over again." In my experience, when one partner sort of "blazes the trail," so to speak, and leads by example, starts to get sober, works to stay sober, starts making better decisions, the "terrible story" starts to change. But of course, all relationships are different. I just wanted to say that I truly relate, this is what I'm doing, and it seems to bringing about change. I hope it works out for you.

Welcome back Alphabet!!!!!!

:welcome back Alphabet.
Never make your sobriety contingent upon someone else's. When it comes to his alcoholism
you did not cause it
you cannot control it
you cannot cure it.
What you can do is take care of your own addiction. Putting your foot down with him and focusing on HIS lack of sobriety will only deflect from addressing your own issues.
If you cannot detach and the temptation to drink with him around is too much, you might want to consider a temporary separation at least until you feel stronger.
The only person we can change is ourselves and if we commit to our own recovery we can become and stay sober whether our loved ones are still drinking/using or not.
I am a double winner too and I know it is tough but it can be done. Check out the Friends and Family forum there are a lot of double winners there too.

I'm glad you're back.

My BF was an active alcoholic. He asked me to move in with him. I told him I would not, could not, if he was drinking. I did not work this hard to live a life that was not chained to the madness of alcoholism so that I could sign on to his. It would be like making a down payment on my coffin. That is just the truth for me.

He is sober, nearly 8 months. He says that if I started drinking again, he probably would as well. Which I tell him is a dumb idea, better just show my sorry butt where the door is than throw in his sobriety.

Our relationship in SO many ways depends upon us being sober. Everything is better when we are sober, hand down. We did it the other way in the past and it was just misery.

I'm glad you came back too.

I cannot agree more with Threshold and Carlotta. My soon-to-be-ex husband is an alcoholic, as am I. I was the one who wanted to get sober, even though he said he also wanted to. I went to rehab, outpatient treatment, AA, while he stayed home and continued drinking. We had been "drinking buddies" for a very long time, and the dynamics of our relationship changed considerably once I got sober. I would get sober and then relapse over and over again, while he kept drinking. It finally sunk in that I was never going to stay sober as long as I was with him and he was still drinking. There were certainly other factors that contributed to the breakup of our 20 year marriage, but the drinking was a significant one, and it came down to either staying sober without him or staying drunk with him. Although it was the most difficult choice I've ever made in my life, I chose sobriety without him.

My point is only to say that the only person's sobriety you have control over is yours. At some point, you may have to decide if this is someone you really need to be with if he continues to drink. I hope it doesn't come to that, but please keep that possibility in the back of your mind as you work toward your own sobriety. He may never change, and if he doesn't, you have a tough choice to make. I'm not suggesting you haven't already thought of that ... but I am suggesting that you make your sobriety your number one priority regardless of what he does. Your life depends on it.

Welcome back and I wish you all the best on this exciting journey to a new life. :)