Thorsapprentice

Truth: I cannot control my intake of alcohol. (Or any other drug). I've tried. To no avail. I need drugs (or I least I think I do) to deal with everyday life experiences. I've been a user all my teenage/adult life. I don't blame society, parents, friends or girlfriends. I just need something to offset this shitstain existence. I read. I learn. Why can't I stop? I am in control of
every other aspect of my life.

Pondlady

I'm sorry you're struggling. What support do you have…..maybe you need something stronger…rehab? You CAN do this….you don't need the drugs.

Thorsapprentice

I don't understand support? I support myself. I'm self reliant. All my bills , debts and expenses are encompassed within my wage.
A stronger drug do you mean?

Nonsensical

Welcome to the wonderful world of addiction, my friend. You're in good company. There are a few addicts hanging out on this forum.

In my experience, the MOST frustrating, baffling aspect of addiction is continued use despite a desire to stop and persistent negative consequences.

Researchers have given lab rats free access to drugs, all the rats need to do is push a little lever. Those rats will stand there pushing that lever no matter what else happens. Hungry? Push the lever. Thirsty? Push the lever. Sex? Push the lever. Getting eloctrocuted? Push the lever. Those rats will abandon everything else and get electrocuted to death before they give up that lever.

The lever becomes the solution to all the rat's problems. The rat can't figure out that addiction to the lever is causing the problems.

You're smarter than a lab rat. You can stop this.

IOAA2

It might seem strange however in the final analyses in order for me to stop I had to surrender and accept I could no longer drink in safety and stay alive. Many suggested detox and rehab which I suggest. I was desperate enough to make a call to AA and it has worked for me and millions of others for many years. Many rebel and are left out in la la land being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
This site offers good helpful people also but I like personal contact for it's advantages.

BE WELL

KateL

I hope you find a solution. It is so, so hard. xx

IOAA2

Support is not the material type. It's directed towards the spiritual (not religious), mental and physical side of our being.

There are not many who don't have a need to shed our demons in order to attain healthy sobriety. Most of the demon within that most drink for is the large number of fears we tried to escape from.

BE WELL

Thorsapprentice

I am not a rat. I am a man. Studies on said rodents mean nothing.

dwtbd

TA
I had a similiar mindset , are you familiar with the term addiction ambivalence?
The first day on this site someone mentioned Rational Recovery and AVRT. After researching and reading their material I found their approach/methods/insights to be tremendously helpful.

wish you well

RobbyRobot

Addiction ambivalence is what best describes your present struggles against your control issues. Needing something to offset whatever is how addiction works to destroy the user. Its a dumb enough game to play, and Nonsensical gave a great example of addiction mechanics 101.

Read up on ambivalence. Most often we take things like failure very personally of course, and this really is unfortunate when done with failure to quit an addiction. Things just go even more south when we feel rotten, and even though we know its wrong the ambivalence with the addiction can make it difficult to not just fail again and use the drug/alcohol to at least feel better for a time. Of course, this is just an addiction game that any player is doomed to lose, and is why players feel like such losers. I speak from past experience of failure after failure. After enough failures, one can stop caring about almost everything. Not a good place to be.

Of course, there is a way out of addiction misery. Many ways, in fact. Yours for the choosing.

Getting back to Nonsensical's example, we can easily see that the rat has no personal investment in killing itself to get that drug. The addiction is carrying the rat to its certain death. In this way, addiction is a very impersonal struggle, and this constant fight with the addiction machine leaves us tattered and broken in a personal sense because we can't win if we feed the monster.

So, along with quitting, also make some real effort to not blame yourself for your addiction struggles, and certainly include not blaming yourself for whatever failures you have already had with addiction. You might also want to re-visit your ideas on being in control of every other aspect of your life. I suggest that being in control of an addictive life is not really the kind of control which helps. This twisted control is just smoke n mirrors. It can be shocking for us to appreciate just how out of control our lives really are while fighting against an addiction. Often times the user takes into account that he is fighting the addiction, and so makes allowances for what toll the fight takes, and then makes an attempt to justify how things could be worse, and until they get worse, this then means the user is making good use of their control skills. Not. Again, speaking from experience here.

Hey, quitting is very doable. YOU can quit, and stay quit. Get the addiction out of your life and your life will absolutely not be a shitstain existence and no matter what else you'll have a life worth living.

Wastinglife

It's the way our brains are wired. Some of us constantly seek to activate the reward system in our brains. Some people don't get the same 'kick' we do from drugs/alcohol. I personally am amazed at how most of my friends can have 3 beers and then just stop. I don't have an off switch which means I can't even have one drink without ending up either in a ditch or in jail the next day.

Nonsensical

I never doubted it. Rats can't break an addiction. You can.

Pete55

That's a good point you are making, at least it's honest.
Next point is, can you accept it ? In other words, can you accept the fact that you may never be able to control the intake of alcohol ?
Because the alternative is to never ever have to try to control the intake of your alcohol because you simply won't ever have to pick up the next drink.

Or do you want to keep drinking ?

doggonecarl

The support of recovered addicts and/or alcoholics. Addiction is difficult to beat on its own. Especially when you think the control you have in life extends to your addiction.

Thorsapprentice

I am not a fool. I know both words, ambivalence and addiction (and their meanings). I agree with avrt? In its simplest terms. But I am not a victim of my 'beast'. I chose this path. No animal instinct. No monotheistic god. No fate. No karma. Just choice.

bartender129

Hey Thor,

I'm not going to try to convince you of anything. Just ask a question.

You call this all a choice. But in the first post you say you can't control your intake.

Why do you think you keep choosing something you have no control over?

That might give you some insight

Thorsapprentice

Sorry. Don't keep choosing. Trapped now. But I chose in the first place. God didn't make it happen. Or Karma. Or Fate. I did. Therefore I chose. Pointlessly philosophical but it is what it is

Skye2

Thor, you might have chosen in the first place, as we all did, but now you're reaching out for help - how about letting us try to do that? What do you think would help at the moment? We really are all here for you and on your side, you know.

bartender129

No, it's FAR from pointless.

So you used to have a choice, now you don't. Is that accurate?

If it is you sound exactly like I used to be and millions of other people with this problem.

The good news is you can be free of all of this. The bad news is you have to do the work to get there. Lots of people here have been there and are willing to help and support you.

LadyBlue0527

Welcome to the board Thorsapprentice.

With what you stated above, does that mean that you are choosing to keep using or do you want to choose to quit? That's key.