bemyself

Gawd. There I was only this very morning, serenely seconding remarks (by Threshold) in a post by Pad entitled 'Betrayed and Burned'. That was in an AA / alkie-alkie context.

And now, I'm drinking my way through a bottle of white wine. WTF??????????????? It was meant to be Day 12 - in fact, IS day 12 - after a year of relapses and rehabs / detoxes, all hard-fought and hard-won.

I mentioned the other post because of its title. It's totally apt. All because of a couple of phone calls from an old friend of 35 years. Fairly complicated, but essentially she has transgressed a number of my boundaries on many, many occasions.

We've had long conversations about this (both our boundaries I should add); we have totally different world views in many respects but have a shared history in others. We've had multiple miscommunications, fights, break-ups, make ups, etc etc. I truly thought we'd reached a sane and workable and mutually respectful - and loving - compromise / middle ground over recent months.

Yet, here I am - the drunk in our friendship, she occasionally has a genuine social drink - picking up and drinking this arvo, after having a lovely morning by myself going to nearby markets for the first time in a ages, buying a few things for Christmas and my eldest sister's birthday on the 23rd Dec the day before mine. Was intending to come home, foother about the house (very hot outside today), nap, get on SR, read, play with Bess, have dinner and go to an evening AA back in the same 'burb where the market was. THAT'S how day 12 was panning out - serene, yet gently productive.

What was the tsunami? Supremely powerful emotions and thoughts about the situation which my friend had said would be happening in a few days. A very unexpected situation. About an overseas friend of mine. Not hers. She insinuates herself into other people's friendships and families, leave it at that. Then when you call her on it, she argues and defends and somehow seamlessly manages to put any blame for upsetting HER back onto the person who is upset. Namely me.

I tried saying the serenity prayer etc etc etc etc etc. But the grog was the go-to. I did text her though before I went to buy the grog, saying essentially and politely as I could: 'back off, pet. Please respect my wishes.' Originally, she was due to come over to visit me about now - which she rarely does - to talk about this development with my overseas friend. But I thrashed around having a nap, and sent her the text. She simply WILL NOT / CANNOT 'get it' about this boundary stuff.

Yes, I'm furious. 'Betrayed and burned'. Yes, I'm stupid, picking up and drinking. I was doing soooo well, within myself. Going to meetings, with bit less of my usual massive carapace of cynicism, skepticism, anger [at having to go there in the first place, the rituals, the rhetoric, the literature, etc etc]. I was generally enjoying them. Generally enjoying being sober, and with very few if any thoughts, desires or urges to drink.

EFFFF !!!

ScottFromWI

Dump it out. You are drinking at her which if course only hurts you. You don't need to do this.

bemyself

Thank God you're there Scott - always a sane voice.

Yeh, I thought about dumping it during the first damn glass. I know the effing drill. [not shouting at you, of course, just myself]. I know also that I will finish the bottle; about half way through it in less than an hour. Sheesh.

Main thing is that I don't [ DO NOT] go and try to buy some more, after a no doubt necessary nap shortly.

I'm not even enjoying it, after about the first few sips which helped to calm my mind and body of The Situation. Duh!

Thanks for responding Scott. You're a star.

bemyself

PS yeah, I KNOW that I'm 'drinking AT her'. That's what's so insidious about this disease. Very Pauline / Augustinian - what I would not do, I do etc.

ScottFromWI

I'm not a star, just an alcoholic like you. You can dump the rest out too, it's not a foregone conclusion that you will drink it all unless you choose to.

Dee74

You can still pull the day out of the fire and end it the way you planned.

I know what it's like to have those 'oh well, I'm screwed now so I may as well...' thoughts - but there has to come a time when we do things differently.

I also know what it's like to feel intense emotions and almost instantly to be terrified of those emotions...but how can we prove to ourselves that we can deal with things sober, that there are other other ways to deal with stuff, if we never try?

I really hope you can make today that day you do something different Vic.

bemyself

Choose to? God, were it so simple. [And I say that, knowing all that us alcoholics DO deep down know, and which thousands of us discuss here on SR and everywhere else].

There's only about 2 units left.................................it's 2.55 pm. Arrrghghhhhh! Horrible taste in my mouth, kinda woozy in the head, all that.

Note to lurking / truly 'new' Newcomers: it's true. What anyone says (AA, rehabs, literature of any kind, AVRT, etc etc) DO NOT pick up that first drink when you've quit. Please don't end up like people like me and so many others: trying and trying and trying to get AND STAY sober when you're not far off sixty. It is not by any means a way to live.

Leana

bemyself- If you're not even enjoying it, why not go get a new glass and fill it with a non-alcoholic drink? You don't have to dump the wine, just see if the next glass can be a soda or tea or coffee.

Dee74

C'mon Vic - noone knows what it's like better than me and the other guys here.
I guarantee any argument you can table here? I've used it.

In the end I honestly believe we all stand at the same crossroads.

One roads winds back in the direction we've come - it's an easy walk...we've walked that one so well we could do it with our eyes shut...

the other road heads out before us, into the distance - it's shrouded in uncertainty and fog, but that's the road you have to take if you want a different outcome.

It's your call, not mine. It's a simple choice of two directions - but I would never say an easy one. Noone would who's ever made that choice.

The good thing is...you have several hundred willing and experienced guides tho

D

bemyself

Dee, you know that I have very much tried. God, how I've tried....just like all of us. Just have to try again...and again......and again....Bless you guys.

Yeah, Leanna, I've actually got a partially un-drunk decaf coffee sitting in the fridge (as it's hot here today). I'd made it when I came back from the market, drank a bit of it after I'd got up from trying to have that nap post-market...all the shite of the Situation was scrambling in my head, my body was, well, in anxiety etc mode.

I was pacing and pacing and all the rest of it. Still relatively early in the day given we're now on daylight saving. This was about 1 pm ish. And then I got in the car to buy the grog. I simply couldn't stand the bodily and mental stuff.

But you're quite right. I've drunk the whole bottle pretty much. Will go to have a nap shortly. And THEN.....

No, what am I saying?

I've just dumped the last two units. Between the second last and third last sentences.

Dee74

I know you've tried

That wasn't a lecture - my road to SR took 15 years remember

I was just trying to distill my aha moment into a short allegory, really - one day we have to choose the foggy road if we a different outcome...

D

bemyself

Grog is gone down the sink. Now drinking the cold decaf coffee, then off for the nap I didn't get to have before.

Have the cooling on (swamp cooler as you Yanks call it :-)). Will bring Bess inside for a nap with me as always.

Will just chill, meditate lying down as I always do on my bed.

HHmmmm. Will no doubt post a bit later to just....reconnect with um, reality. Overpowering emotions / thoughts and all. Dammit.

Dee74

I love my swamp cooler

a nap will do you good I think
D

Leana

What is a swamp cooler?

Leana

"I've just dumped the last two units. Between the second last and third last sentences."

FANTASTIC. Please take a nap. Just don't drive. OK?

Dee74

If we have the same thing,it's a water evaporation cooler Leana

D

Jeni26

If I may Vic...I'd like to point out a few positives here...firstly you tipped away that drink. Secondly, you posted here and made yourself accountable. You didn't trip up and then stay down...you haven't disappeared for another few weeks. You drank as a knee jerk reaction to emotion (who here hasn't done that??)...but you recognised the process and immediately pulled yourself up. This is a trip not a fall.

I always drank over emotional stuff. Even when I knew it would only make things worse..I turned minor stuff into huge over dramatic scenes. If there wasn't any great upset to drink over, I would resurrect one from the past or create a new one. I did that for about 30 years or so.

Just wanted to say...that pattern can be broken.

Up you get Vic. Time to put one foot in front of the other and head down that path to freedom x

bemyself

A million thanks all. However, I did go and get another bottle and some fish n chips for tea.

Now I feel guilty (because I'm not able to focus / respond to others here who are suffering - e.g. the person who's posted about relapse after 3 years, and Ach, and numerous others).

I feel still simmeringly angry with my long term friend - AND the o/s friend who [long story] has proven to be quite the user of people, especially women, all over the world on his travels. Lovely guy, though, in many regards!

I'm totally pissed off that I've drunk and so can't go to the meeting tonight - one that I rarely go to, though it's usually full of good people plus staff and patients from my old rehab place; my night driving eyesight is crap [need new specs for driving etc]. But given it's daylight saving now, I'd earlier figured hey, yeah, I'll go to this meeting cause I missed the day one due to catching the monthly market etc.

I'm in pain from the drinking headache - the worst sort apart from migraines which thankfully I don't get.

I'm totally deflated that I allowed this **** to just slam into me, and that I didn't jump on SR / call someone / just sit with the emotional and mental shite / do something else / really do the drill to NOT pick up. I never bloody do this stuff, nor do it very well or for long enough for the cravings and turmoil to pass.

So surprise surprise that I get hit by the tsunami whilst tootling along, forgetting (or hoping probably) that indeed the sea does suddenly recede...and that's a very bad sign which can happen in only a few minutes. Thanks Jeni, for saying that you know what that's like. And no, I DO NOT want to end up back in the weeks-long relapse thing. It's a living hell.

bemyself

Stuff this. I've poured the second bottle down the sink too - minus the 1.5 units or so that I've drunk.

It's ridiculously early - barely 7.45 pm - but I'll try to just lie down in bed with the dog. Bound to be a long and horrible night. But better than continuing to drink my way through to oblivion.

Skye2

I wish we needed a 'swamp cooler' in the UK. Not something we've ever really needed
Hang in there gal - if I can do this, anyone can do this Xx