Tsunami after the sea retreats [long rant probably]
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I think some important things happened today Vic 
The first is obvious - drinking doesn't help. We both knew that anyway.
But the second - you managed, in the end, to stand your ground.
You were hurt and upset, but you didn't completely numb those feelings away
You faced them, to a point perhaps, but you faced them - and you survived.
You did something different
I think there's something to build on there - if you're game?
D
The first is obvious - drinking doesn't help. We both knew that anyway.
But the second - you managed, in the end, to stand your ground.
You were hurt and upset, but you didn't completely numb those feelings away
You faced them, to a point perhaps, but you faced them - and you survived.
You did something different
I think there's something to build on there - if you're game?
D
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Lesson many of us learn in early recovery, just like you...drinking doesn't fix either the situation or the emotions we have regarding it. Waste of time, money and hard earned sobriety.
Glad you poured it down the drain. Clearly you do value and want sobriety and that's all in your favor.
That long time friend. I had one of those, who sounds shockingly similar to the person you describe. Long term doesn't equal "good friend". This has finally sunk it with me, and this last situation...I'm not reaching out again. It's over. Sometimes I feel guilty, or sad...it's seems a shame that after all those years it's come to this...but the reality (and in sobriety that is what I'm committed to) is that she's not a good friend. We spent time together, we gossiped about things together, and though there were moments of real friendship spattered throughout those 12 years, it's like spattering paint on a wall, it's NOT a real paint job and it makes the wall look worse, not better. Sometimes half a friendship is worse than no friendship at all, because guilt, obligation and the memory of real good times keeps us from calling BS on BS and walking away.
I know it's hard, but a "friendship" that is so emotionally painful that one feels they must drink to endure...isn't really a friendship. We dont' get brownie points for harming ourselves to support the bad behavior of other people. There is no prize at the end for the person who put up with the most crap "friends".
Drama is the enemy of sobriety. And she seems determined to stir up drama. We sometimes find we need to put down relationships the same way we put down the booze and drugs. We have to get honest about what they are, who we are and our inability to deal with them in a healthy manner. There are relationships and situations that are as deadly to us as booze and drugs, and in the same manner, we must walk away. Moderation is often not an option.
It sounds like you have some good ideas of how to balance a day, do healthy things for yourself and your sobriety, and recognize some of your stumbling blocks. All those are in your favor. You stumbled, recognized IN PROCESS what was going on, and sought help. You are on the right track.
If she calls again, I'd suggest "can't talk now", if you have caller ID, don't even pick up the phone. You don't owe anyone your sobriety. She's probably not calling to support you.
Big hugs.
Glad you poured it down the drain. Clearly you do value and want sobriety and that's all in your favor.
That long time friend. I had one of those, who sounds shockingly similar to the person you describe. Long term doesn't equal "good friend". This has finally sunk it with me, and this last situation...I'm not reaching out again. It's over. Sometimes I feel guilty, or sad...it's seems a shame that after all those years it's come to this...but the reality (and in sobriety that is what I'm committed to) is that she's not a good friend. We spent time together, we gossiped about things together, and though there were moments of real friendship spattered throughout those 12 years, it's like spattering paint on a wall, it's NOT a real paint job and it makes the wall look worse, not better. Sometimes half a friendship is worse than no friendship at all, because guilt, obligation and the memory of real good times keeps us from calling BS on BS and walking away.
I know it's hard, but a "friendship" that is so emotionally painful that one feels they must drink to endure...isn't really a friendship. We dont' get brownie points for harming ourselves to support the bad behavior of other people. There is no prize at the end for the person who put up with the most crap "friends".
Drama is the enemy of sobriety. And she seems determined to stir up drama. We sometimes find we need to put down relationships the same way we put down the booze and drugs. We have to get honest about what they are, who we are and our inability to deal with them in a healthy manner. There are relationships and situations that are as deadly to us as booze and drugs, and in the same manner, we must walk away. Moderation is often not an option.
It sounds like you have some good ideas of how to balance a day, do healthy things for yourself and your sobriety, and recognize some of your stumbling blocks. All those are in your favor. You stumbled, recognized IN PROCESS what was going on, and sought help. You are on the right track.
If she calls again, I'd suggest "can't talk now", if you have caller ID, don't even pick up the phone. You don't owe anyone your sobriety. She's probably not calling to support you.
Big hugs.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by bemyself 
I'm in pain from the drinking headache - the worst sort apart from migraines which thankfully I don't get.
I'm totally deflated that I allowed this **** to just slam into me, and that I didn't jump on SR / call someone / just sit with the emotional and mental shite / do something else / really do the drill to NOT pick up. I never bloody do this stuff, nor do it very well or for long enough for the cravings and turmoil to pass.
Never is a vey long time. I know you're difficult with yourself over past drinking times, but have courage that you are making a difference in your life by choosing to quit. I can't tell you the hundreds of times I tried to quit without asking for help. I mean really asking, not just my admitting whatever. I can tell you after I seriously asked for, and accepted the help that helped me help myself, my last quit has remained my last quit. Not all help offered worked for me. So what. What did work was any help which helped me help myself.
I suggest you get more personal with yourself, Vic. I suggest not being so damn "I'm just another failed alcoholic" with your approach to quitting. You have a backstory too, and I think it needs to be shared. And not shared in some impersonal rant, as if your just some old lady, but more shared as from the heart and mind and spirit of a beautiful and loving person.
Don't share it all out in a single share either, like its the "right thing" to do under the circumstances, and as in keeping with quitting, doing the drill. Share it out with a view of continuing the backstory again and again here on SR. Be personal with yourself. Put down a share which has you loving yourself. Yeah, be kind to yourself. Start with not your struggles with failure, but with your successes with being a person who still wants to quit and live the good life notwithstanding your alcoholism. Your not just another old forgotten drunken alcoholic. I thought I was back in the day. I was wrong. Dead wrong.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Vic ,
with Dee and Robbie and all the other guys weighing in to support you, i don't have anything i think i could add or a perspective to give to say anything better and whatnot .
So just... well … I've liked and enjoyed seeing the engaged and sober Vic posting , you have so much knowledge , kindness and wisdom to share , rooting for ya
Bestwishes, m
with Dee and Robbie and all the other guys weighing in to support you, i don't have anything i think i could add or a perspective to give to say anything better and whatnot .
So just... well … I've liked and enjoyed seeing the engaged and sober Vic posting , you have so much knowledge , kindness and wisdom to share , rooting for ya
Bestwishes, m
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Burien WA.
Posts: 2,893
Why on earth would you sit there drinking and telling everyone who's trying to stay sober about it? I thought this was sober recovery not drunken rant page. Why don't you come back when you are REALLY trying to stay sober and keep your drunken rants to yourself. Aren't there rules on this site about that?
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by zeppodog
Why on earth would you sit there drinking and telling everyone who's trying to stay sober about it? I thought this was sober recovery not drunken rant page. Why don't you come back when you are REALLY trying to stay sober and keep your drunken rants to yourself. Aren't there rules on this site about that?
You may want to look at this thread, and others similar, in a different light perhaps?
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by zeppodog
Why on earth would you sit there drinking and telling everyone who's trying to stay sober about it? I thought this was sober recovery not drunken rant page. Why don't you come back when you are REALLY trying to stay sober and keep your drunken rants to yourself. Aren't there rules on this site about that?
It has cemented my resolve for another day. Reminding me that NOTHING good comes from alcohol. Even when we think it's the panacea, it only seeks to drown us further in misery and woe.
I have been on the drinking while posting side. And can speak from experience, that it was, by far, one of the wisest things I have done in my recovery journey. Being able to look back, with sober eyes, gave me an entirely different perspective on my disease.
So thank you for your honesty, Bemyself. And your willingness to show up.
And to keep trying.
This is rough and honorable work.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
You will be back stronger because of this episode, bemyself. You have learned things, which you are already beginning to apply. Even though you currently may feel humbled, you are inspiring me and others to stay afloat. Thank you for sharing!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Gods n Goddesses - this is one of the fantastic things about SR. We go to bed at night, and wake up to wonderful replies from wonderful and wise people / friends!!!! A great deal to ponder, and thank you all so much for your vital support and offerings of hope and affirmation that yeah, I CAN do this. Yesterday need NOT be the start of recycling back through the prison doors. I truly do want freedom from alcohol and all that comes with it.
No idea where to start so might just respond to particular replies and reflections when it comes to mind.
For a start, the last post of Gilmer's is about being humbled. Yeah. You got it in one, Gilmer. Humility is one of the concepts in recovery which has set off all my ego-driven alarms in the last four years [of active attempts to get and stay sober]. The word is so loaded with religious and cultural connotations, y'see. So that's been a stumbling block for me. Still working with it frankly. But that's OK.
Off to play with Bess before her brekky - but first I want to thank those who so gently yet firmly explained the nature of SR to the poster who was pissed off with the thread. I really felt like, wow, you guys have my back PLUS may have helped that poster and others reading who are new to SR.
SR is a house with many mansions, eh?
Back a little later in the morning. xxxx
Vic
No idea where to start so might just respond to particular replies and reflections when it comes to mind.
For a start, the last post of Gilmer's is about being humbled. Yeah. You got it in one, Gilmer. Humility is one of the concepts in recovery which has set off all my ego-driven alarms in the last four years [of active attempts to get and stay sober]. The word is so loaded with religious and cultural connotations, y'see. So that's been a stumbling block for me. Still working with it frankly. But that's OK.
Off to play with Bess before her brekky - but first I want to thank those who so gently yet firmly explained the nature of SR to the poster who was pissed off with the thread. I really felt like, wow, you guys have my back PLUS may have helped that poster and others reading who are new to SR.
SR is a house with many mansions, eh?
Back a little later in the morning. xxxx
Vic
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
bemyself,
i'm quite convinced tht one of the crucial elements in my continued sobriety is the ongoing connecting with others .
seems from this vantage point that i see a lot of people posting just after drinking again, and then when they stop again they disappear til next time very shortly.
i haven't tested the disappearing-thing for myself and have no desire to, but i'm wondering if it might not be of more benefit to post and engage as you're living your daily life instead of mostly when there's a crisis. seems not to work out well for you, and engaging more regularly might help avoid getting to your usual "go-to solution".
waddaya think?
i'm quite convinced tht one of the crucial elements in my continued sobriety is the ongoing connecting with others .
seems from this vantage point that i see a lot of people posting just after drinking again, and then when they stop again they disappear til next time very shortly.
i haven't tested the disappearing-thing for myself and have no desire to, but i'm wondering if it might not be of more benefit to post and engage as you're living your daily life instead of mostly when there's a crisis. seems not to work out well for you, and engaging more regularly might help avoid getting to your usual "go-to solution".
waddaya think?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Yes, fini that is a good idea. I am aware that I mostly post / engage - even if it's just the thanks button - when I've picked up again. One reason why this time around getting sober - the past 11 days - I had been posting / thanking in various parts of the boards, to break that pattern.
The primary, indeed, critical! mistake I made yesterday was the classic one: I didn't post here or call someone, anyone, WHILE I was thrashing around emotionally and beginning to get the drinking thoughts, which of course very quickly become full blown cravings.
Thanks fini - a great reminder for me to keep it up AND to practice the classic 'reach out for the lifeboat' thing (above).
Have to get ready to go to a meeting - not a favourite group, in fact there have been calls around the area for people to go along and support it so it doesn't fold entirely (not enough bums on seats means they can't pay the church hall rent). But I do need it, to get out and about and OUTTA MY HEAD in the best possible sense of course :-) And hey, maybe I won't be the only one going along to pep up the numbers so might be helping others too.
Weary and foggy again, but will just keep resting on and off through the day. in fact have just got up from a late morning nap. Sleep sleep sleep....the great restorer.
Back in a few hours.
xx
The primary, indeed, critical! mistake I made yesterday was the classic one: I didn't post here or call someone, anyone, WHILE I was thrashing around emotionally and beginning to get the drinking thoughts, which of course very quickly become full blown cravings.
Thanks fini - a great reminder for me to keep it up AND to practice the classic 'reach out for the lifeboat' thing (above).
Have to get ready to go to a meeting - not a favourite group, in fact there have been calls around the area for people to go along and support it so it doesn't fold entirely (not enough bums on seats means they can't pay the church hall rent). But I do need it, to get out and about and OUTTA MY HEAD in the best possible sense of course :-) And hey, maybe I won't be the only one going along to pep up the numbers so might be helping others too.
Weary and foggy again, but will just keep resting on and off through the day. in fact have just got up from a late morning nap. Sleep sleep sleep....the great restorer.
Back in a few hours.
xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Dee - you're possibly one of the few who's actually awake (suspect most others are in bed or travelling before the Big 'T' day in the States).
Anyway, I really wanted to specially thank you for taking the time to write such encouraging and inspiring replies to me in this thread. It really meant a lot. I'll be going back to them and this thread to read and ponder quite often in coming days.
Just had yet another nap - raining now here today, after a hot day yesterday (that's Melbourne for you!). I did go to the meeting I mentioned, and yes, there were a few others from the Bayside groups. It was still a pitifully thin number.
Nevertheless, those who spoke included a rather dignified old boy visiting from Sydney (my hometown, originally), with 40 years - he was the tall, upright, tweed coat and neatly pressed slacks variety with silvery hair. When first getting sober all those years ago, he was homeless, weighed 47 kgs, 'covered in sores', and certified insane.
He spoke for quite a long time, but was riveting. We could barely hear him - very raspy thin voice due to smoking related something (I suspect throat / larynx cancer or similar). And he was marvelling that whilst in Melbourne on his holiday visiting another old mate / member, there he was - this person as above from all those years ago - mingling with the Trustees of the Vic Arts Centre, and attending huge segments of the Ring (Wagner) festival concerts. Damnably expensive, as he remarked.
Some turnaround! So yeh, there's always hope. Ironically, only yesterday morning at the street markets, I'd bought myself a little colourful banner in a sort of Handicrafts of Asia type shoppe - 'HOPE'. hah! It's up in my kitchen where I can see it several times a day.
Anyway, I really wanted to specially thank you for taking the time to write such encouraging and inspiring replies to me in this thread. It really meant a lot. I'll be going back to them and this thread to read and ponder quite often in coming days.
Just had yet another nap - raining now here today, after a hot day yesterday (that's Melbourne for you!). I did go to the meeting I mentioned, and yes, there were a few others from the Bayside groups. It was still a pitifully thin number.
Nevertheless, those who spoke included a rather dignified old boy visiting from Sydney (my hometown, originally), with 40 years - he was the tall, upright, tweed coat and neatly pressed slacks variety with silvery hair. When first getting sober all those years ago, he was homeless, weighed 47 kgs, 'covered in sores', and certified insane.
He spoke for quite a long time, but was riveting. We could barely hear him - very raspy thin voice due to smoking related something (I suspect throat / larynx cancer or similar). And he was marvelling that whilst in Melbourne on his holiday visiting another old mate / member, there he was - this person as above from all those years ago - mingling with the Trustees of the Vic Arts Centre, and attending huge segments of the Ring (Wagner) festival concerts. Damnably expensive, as he remarked.
Some turnaround! So yeh, there's always hope. Ironically, only yesterday morning at the street markets, I'd bought myself a little colourful banner in a sort of Handicrafts of Asia type shoppe - 'HOPE'. hah! It's up in my kitchen where I can see it several times a day.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
There is always hope - 7 years ago I was one payment away from being homeless...I was sick and not doing anything with my life at all.
My sole daily achievement was getting to a bottle shop and back.
Sometimes a shower and clean clothes but often not too...
It had been that way for 5 years or so...
There is always hope. Always.
D
My sole daily achievement was getting to a bottle shop and back.
Sometimes a shower and clean clothes but often not too...
It had been that way for 5 years or so...
There is always hope. Always.
D
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