My Story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 608
My Story
Hi Everyone,
I’m new to these boards, but that’s not really true. I’ve been reading them for quite a long time now, and I am truly grateful to all who post because it gives me great support. I decided that I should post every now and then, because from what I can tell, others seem to prosper from doing just that in the face of their addiction. I should explain my story a little bit, though.
I’m a 34 year old male, with what would seem to be a wonderful life to the innocent bystander. The issue is I’ve been an alcoholic, one who has been addicted to alcohol, for about 15 years now. It all started so innocently, discovering cheap wine and beer in my late teens, and transforming from a quiet, reluctant awkward teenager to what I perceived to be the “life of the party” after reaching buzz levels. People seemed to pay more attention to me, I seemed to want to talk more, be social, I had less of an issue approaching girls, and so on.
This alcohol-centered life progressed in my 20s, but I usually still only drank with other people. I would drink beer mainly, but lots of it. I would drink vodka when the beer began getting stale in any given night, to liven me up a little bit. Really, I’d drink whatever was available.
Now, in my 30’s, it’s no longer social. I no longer have any fun, or get any enjoyment out of a night of drinking. I usually drink alone, watching sports games or Family Guy re-runs, or I listen to music and focus on the words. It’s no longer fun. I have a great girlfriend, who I have put through a lot. I’m a different person when I drink too much. For the past few years, my alcoholism has been at it’s darkest levels. When I think about it, every bad thing I’ve ever done, or every negative thing that’s ever happened to me, has been as a direct result of my drinking. I’ve spent thousands of dollars – no, more than thousands of dollars, on drinking. I’ve made some terrible decisions, put myself in dangerous situations, driven drunk, led people on, sent terrible drunk texts I’ve regretted big time in the morning, severely injured myself to the point of requiring surgery, gotten robbed due to being in a terribly dangerous situation, and risked so many other bad situations as a result of my drinking. I figure for the past few years, if I could have gotten away with it, I would have gotten hammered drunk every single night.
Being an alcoholic has made me a liar and a cheater. I don’t feel like I’m a different person when I’m drinking, but I know that I am. I make promises I don’t keep. More than that, I don’t care if I keep them or not. When I drink, I don’t care about anything or anyone. I don’t even care about myself, judging by the terrible situations I put myself through. I only care about drinking. Moderation means nothing to me. I would stress over not having enough beer if I was planning to stay home and watch a hockey game or something. I only have 12? What if someone shows up and I offer them a couple? It would stress me to the point of being paranoid that I will run out of alcohol, because really, there is no greater sadness than still being up and running in a drunken, buzzed state and having no more alcohol.
I come from a family of alcoholics. My father is an alcoholic, his father was an alcoholic. My mom might be one, or at least very close. So many extended family – cousins, uncles, aunts – all alcoholics. I’ve seen first hand what it does to families. I remember my father punching holes through walls, throwing plants into Christmas trees, threatening to leave my mother, committing crimes when drunk, promising his children the world and never following through, I remember it all. Is this what I am going to become? I have two children right now. Two amazing children, both young enough where if I do quit drinking, then I have a chance at being something different to them. I have a chance at being something different to my girlfriend. Not someone who drinks a whole can of beer when in the bathroom and hides the can so it doesn’t appear that I drank it. Not someone who constantly lies to her face about how much I drank, where I was when I was drinking, how I got home, how much money I spent on it, who I texted last night, and so on. I’m not a good person when I drink.
My second child was born this past week. I look at him, my son, and all I can think is that he doesn’t deserve this. This alcoholism of mine is a progressive disease, and it’s already progressed to the point of darkness. I can’t continue. I was a fool to think I could ever moderate it. I considered switching to marijuana, but it’s not the answer. I don’t even like it, and besides, trading one addiction for another isn’t the remedy here. I need to quit everything, and quit for good.
And I have. I’m only a week in, but I feel different this time. I feel different because I want to be sober for my children, for my family. I’m not going to be concerned with what people say when I tell them that I am not going to drink. I have been telling people that I am on a non-alcohol period because I’m training for a marathon, and I am going to stick with that for the next several months. I feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off my back, and I feel truly blessed that I have the freedom to make this decision, to truly quit drinking alcohol. I feel like my passion for life has been re-ignited. For the past few months, I’ve cut it back to weekends, but that does nothing – all I do is think about drinking on the weekend during the week, and when I do drink, I make damn sure I get my money’s worth and get nice and drunk.
But no more. I’m done. Finished drinking, forever. I am not one for AA meetings, but I truly find solace in these message boards. I respect all of you for putting your feelings on these boards, for being true, for being passionate about your convictions, and I feel I get strength from this. This isn’t a one day at a time thing, this is forever, and I intend to follow through, and I hope you all do as well.
Thanks for listening.
I’m new to these boards, but that’s not really true. I’ve been reading them for quite a long time now, and I am truly grateful to all who post because it gives me great support. I decided that I should post every now and then, because from what I can tell, others seem to prosper from doing just that in the face of their addiction. I should explain my story a little bit, though.
I’m a 34 year old male, with what would seem to be a wonderful life to the innocent bystander. The issue is I’ve been an alcoholic, one who has been addicted to alcohol, for about 15 years now. It all started so innocently, discovering cheap wine and beer in my late teens, and transforming from a quiet, reluctant awkward teenager to what I perceived to be the “life of the party” after reaching buzz levels. People seemed to pay more attention to me, I seemed to want to talk more, be social, I had less of an issue approaching girls, and so on.
This alcohol-centered life progressed in my 20s, but I usually still only drank with other people. I would drink beer mainly, but lots of it. I would drink vodka when the beer began getting stale in any given night, to liven me up a little bit. Really, I’d drink whatever was available.
Now, in my 30’s, it’s no longer social. I no longer have any fun, or get any enjoyment out of a night of drinking. I usually drink alone, watching sports games or Family Guy re-runs, or I listen to music and focus on the words. It’s no longer fun. I have a great girlfriend, who I have put through a lot. I’m a different person when I drink too much. For the past few years, my alcoholism has been at it’s darkest levels. When I think about it, every bad thing I’ve ever done, or every negative thing that’s ever happened to me, has been as a direct result of my drinking. I’ve spent thousands of dollars – no, more than thousands of dollars, on drinking. I’ve made some terrible decisions, put myself in dangerous situations, driven drunk, led people on, sent terrible drunk texts I’ve regretted big time in the morning, severely injured myself to the point of requiring surgery, gotten robbed due to being in a terribly dangerous situation, and risked so many other bad situations as a result of my drinking. I figure for the past few years, if I could have gotten away with it, I would have gotten hammered drunk every single night.
Being an alcoholic has made me a liar and a cheater. I don’t feel like I’m a different person when I’m drinking, but I know that I am. I make promises I don’t keep. More than that, I don’t care if I keep them or not. When I drink, I don’t care about anything or anyone. I don’t even care about myself, judging by the terrible situations I put myself through. I only care about drinking. Moderation means nothing to me. I would stress over not having enough beer if I was planning to stay home and watch a hockey game or something. I only have 12? What if someone shows up and I offer them a couple? It would stress me to the point of being paranoid that I will run out of alcohol, because really, there is no greater sadness than still being up and running in a drunken, buzzed state and having no more alcohol.
I come from a family of alcoholics. My father is an alcoholic, his father was an alcoholic. My mom might be one, or at least very close. So many extended family – cousins, uncles, aunts – all alcoholics. I’ve seen first hand what it does to families. I remember my father punching holes through walls, throwing plants into Christmas trees, threatening to leave my mother, committing crimes when drunk, promising his children the world and never following through, I remember it all. Is this what I am going to become? I have two children right now. Two amazing children, both young enough where if I do quit drinking, then I have a chance at being something different to them. I have a chance at being something different to my girlfriend. Not someone who drinks a whole can of beer when in the bathroom and hides the can so it doesn’t appear that I drank it. Not someone who constantly lies to her face about how much I drank, where I was when I was drinking, how I got home, how much money I spent on it, who I texted last night, and so on. I’m not a good person when I drink.
My second child was born this past week. I look at him, my son, and all I can think is that he doesn’t deserve this. This alcoholism of mine is a progressive disease, and it’s already progressed to the point of darkness. I can’t continue. I was a fool to think I could ever moderate it. I considered switching to marijuana, but it’s not the answer. I don’t even like it, and besides, trading one addiction for another isn’t the remedy here. I need to quit everything, and quit for good.
And I have. I’m only a week in, but I feel different this time. I feel different because I want to be sober for my children, for my family. I’m not going to be concerned with what people say when I tell them that I am not going to drink. I have been telling people that I am on a non-alcohol period because I’m training for a marathon, and I am going to stick with that for the next several months. I feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off my back, and I feel truly blessed that I have the freedom to make this decision, to truly quit drinking alcohol. I feel like my passion for life has been re-ignited. For the past few months, I’ve cut it back to weekends, but that does nothing – all I do is think about drinking on the weekend during the week, and when I do drink, I make damn sure I get my money’s worth and get nice and drunk.
But no more. I’m done. Finished drinking, forever. I am not one for AA meetings, but I truly find solace in these message boards. I respect all of you for putting your feelings on these boards, for being true, for being passionate about your convictions, and I feel I get strength from this. This isn’t a one day at a time thing, this is forever, and I intend to follow through, and I hope you all do as well.
Thanks for listening.
to the posting side of things 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 559
this sums up the merry go round of alcoholism perfectly - the person we become when we don't want or intend to.
i drank heavily for 25 years and i'm only 40. congratulations on your family and believe that people here know exactly what you're going through amd will help you all the way.
welcome.
i drank heavily for 25 years and i'm only 40. congratulations on your family and believe that people here know exactly what you're going through amd will help you all the way.
welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 13
Thanks ClearMind. Reading a post from somebody of a similar age to me and one from somebody who seems to have the same drivers for quitting is very motivating. Even reading through your thought process on having enough beers in the house to take into account visitors and subsequently ensuring that you don't run out, is a scenario I've found myself in several times. I know I can't drink again... full-stop. It fathoms me that I can't be a sensible drinker on weekends only but I know this would only lead to getting the taste for drinking in the week again. Keep posting and I look forward to hearing that you're still on the right road a year or more from now. Cheers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 608
Thanks for your comments, 1978! I've gotta tell you, though, it was no fun living through the stories described in those posts. It was truly a torturous experience, and one I will never go through again. It's sobriety or nothing for me... I really have no choice. Good luck!
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