KateL

My ex was controlling also. He would pick up the pieces when I was drunk and I think he secretly missed, it in a weird way, after I became sober. I was in control of my life and he didn't like it. But, as I said, I thought long and hard first.

KateL

I agree. Ending a relationship or beginning a new one in early sobriety needs much thought. It's a bit of a double-edged sword.

Notmyrealname

I think when you start taking on your drinking problem (instead of wallowing in denial) that momentum carries over sometimes, and maybe you feel like you can deal with some other situations that have been bothering you but you just didn't feel like facing. But also one should be conscious of the fact that there are a lot of emotions roiling around in early sobriety. There's a real risk of externalizing some of that guilt/regret/self-loathing onto other people when maybe it's not warranted. I think the best approach is just to be wary of snap decisions, kind of like the old carpentry mantra, "measure twice, cut once"

ImperfectlyMe

Notmyrealname you are one wise kitty no wonder you wear a suit! Totally nailed the externalizing part!!!

LadyBlue0527

Wow, you guys are all singing my song. This made being sober so hard in the beginning.

My marriage was one vicious circle. I drank because there were things that he did that bothered me greatly. He did the things that he did because of my drinking (that was the explanation anyway). I traded my silence about what I didn't like that he was doing so that I could drink. Amazing what we'll do so that there's no disruption to that. Then, all the resentments that I stored about his actions came out when I was under the influence and in a blackout state. It got progressively worse fueled by something that happened a year ago last September. That was the beginning of the end.

We were at the verge of the demise of our marriage this past May. That wasn't the sole reason that I decided to try for the fourth time to get sober but it definitely played a part. This time I knew that I had to do it for me.

The phenomenon was that when I got sober and committed to it I thought that he was going to automatically change too. That since I wasn't drinking anymore that all the problems in our marriage were going to magically disappear. I found out quickly that his excuses in our vicious circle of reasons that he was the way he was isn't really all to do with my drinking. It was because he has some problems of his own.

An example would be that he doesn't like to go over to friends houses for dinner. He said that I was an embarrassment to him because I would drink and start saying things. Hey, that's a very valid excuse and I give him that. You know what happened though? After I quit drinking that excuse was no longer present and couldn't be used. I found out that my husband is just not a sociable person. He doesn't enjoy hanging out with friends and conversing. I really kind of knew this before but I didn't question it because remember, we didn't go anywhere because of my drinking. So I just accepted it.

So here's the awesome part of being sober. NOW, when he made a different excuse for not getting together with friends I calmly and rationally got upset and spoke to him about it. He's willing to try because what I have to say is VALID and I now have something that I didn't have when I was drinking. I have the right to be listened to because my requests merit discussion, they are not the words of a belligerent drunk. They are coming from a sober and reasonable person. I LOVE IT. I have MERIT!

I also figured out something else very quickly that's helped to keep me sane. I can fix me but I can't fix him. He obviously has some issues that he needs to work on but I can't force him to do that. Just like he couldn't force me to quit drinking, I had to make that decision. I did have a conversation with him though that his excuses will no longer be accepted because I have done what I needed to do in order to work on me and this marriage and I expect the same from him. For me, after 15 years together and 10 married I recognize that he had qualities that led us to be together in the first place and it's worth working on. Also, he is a normie when it comes to drinking and he hadn't had a beer since two weeks before I quit. He has abstained from alcohol since I quit, having had the chance to hang out with friends and drink, all in support of me. He's a keeper. We'll see where it all goes.

In finality, if you think that quitting drinking is going to fix all the problems it might make things better. However, it will also bring to the forefront problems in the marriage that weren't addressed because we were self medicating and not dealing with them. The other person's willingness to work on those issues because you're now present is key to the success of the marriage.

Be careful too, I found in the beginning that sometimes I was finding reasons to be upset at him for something when it was really just my AV pushing me. Logically speaking, I was repeating a pattern that I had throughout the marriage when I wasn't trying to quit. Feeding my mind with anger which is what? Of course, an excuse to drink! I had to recognize that in order to fight it from happening. Sometimes being angry is just a platform to create an excuse. Old unhealthy habits die hard! Watch out for that.

Mags1

Thanks LadyBlue, yes know exactly you mean, my husband is a good guy too, I could've pushed anyone over the edge when I was drunk. Think he got used to doing his own thing and they don't include me most of the time, iPad, tv, etc. And yes, the AV pushing you, I've had cravings last few weeks, I'm starting an exercise regime tomorrow, hoping that will keep them at bay, along with my ice-cream lol x

MIRecovery

The good news.

We sober up and see things as they are

The bad news.

We sober up and see things as they are

I have been told to not do anything major in the first year because while our mind is clearer it still is stablizing

Mags1

How true! MIRecovery, words of wisdom, thankyou.

Mags1

My problem was, in my small mind, that all would be ok if I didn't drink, which one way, yes, no more alcohol related problems, just gotta sort me out now.

LadyBlue0527

I LOVE THIS! How true!

LadyBlue0527

That's fun too, the sorting of one's self.

How much came out of my mouth because I was drinking and how much of it was true? What, of my beliefs, were because of drinking and what was ME?

It's quite the journey. You really begin to be honest and find out some things that you don't really like. Then, there are things that you see that make you say "Wow, I'm pretty awesome!". What a great feeling.

This is part of what happened yesterday when I was in the car running around doing errands. I was thinking about how when I was drinking I would have been resentful about how much I had to get done and anxiously thinking about when I would be done so that I could get to my beer. How off putting it was that I had to take time out of a weekend day to run around and have no one to sit with to just drink and talk.

I was having a grand time with me lol. I actually figured out yesterday that I like me now. I'm a pretty cool person, doing my thing, getting things done. I used to think drinking was so adult. I came to the realization that running around crossing tasks off the list and feeling accomplished is adult!

The further you get in the better it gets. The sense of self worth is phenomenal in how you previously felt when drinking.

Everybody is worth feeling this way!

MIRecovery

I think the sorting out is called growth and let me tell you I have a lot of growing left to do

Mags1

How true, LadyBlue, and thankyou for your candor. I couldn't wait to get things done so I could drink.

I find myself being very critical, I remember my mum saying I was as a kid, but I was just saying my opinion. I usually keep it to myself nowadays.

I actually laughed when talking to a friend and my husband gave a flicker of surprise. No, I don't suppose I have laughed for a while, so I realised his surprise, though nothing was said. I want to laugh more. Yes, thanks to all my SR friends.

From tomorrow , maybe even this evening, I am going to laugh out loud at least once a day x

haveaproblem

My wife cried when I told her I wanted to stop drinking. She says that I am too distant and unemotional when I am sober. It makes recovery so much more difficult for me when I cannot count on my wife for support.

LadyBlue0527

and isn't it fun to laugh and really mean it? It's laughter that comes from the heart and the soul and not from a container of alcohol. It's the best kind.

KateL

I know the feeling x

LadyBlue0527

I think that just like we should never stop learning we should also never stop growing. If you aren't doing that then you're stagnant. Being stagnant is not conducive to sobriety.

LadyBlue0527

haveaproblem, is your wife a drinker?

Mags1

Thanks, Notmyrealname.

I can see where I could externalise my feelings to others close to me. I have learnt not to rush in like a 'fool' and 'bite' my tongue. I'm going to add, 'measure twice, cut once'.

haveaproblem

Yes, although she is not a problem drinker.