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Sober Break-up

Old 11-23-2013, 05:19 PM
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Sober Break-up

I just ended a toxic relationship. It kind of hurts, but it was hurting so much being a part of it that I couldn't stand it any longer. I hope that I can be strong by letting him go and never contacting him again. My emotions are all over the place right now. I really care about him. But I deserve so much more. Being sober has opened me up to my feelings and my choices, they aren't always easy, but for right now, I am feeling a bit relieved that I don't have to deal with all the drama that he was bringing into my life. His presence was a trigger for unhealthy coping behaviours in me.

It seems like I am undergoing a lot of social and emotional growth this week.
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Old 11-23-2013, 05:22 PM
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I think you made the smart decision for yourself. I know it is hard, but we all deserve a peaceful relationship.
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Old 11-23-2013, 05:34 PM
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Old 11-23-2013, 05:38 PM
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Good for you for taking care of yourself.

I was quite surprised by how clearly things seemed to me when I began recovery. Some of the changes are great and others are painful, but necessary.
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Old 11-23-2013, 05:48 PM
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Like your avatar your wings have been closed, time to spread them and soar. A break up hurts even from a relationship that isn't so great. Be good to yourself, stay true to your needs, don't look back and fly

Congrats on almost three months!!!
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:13 PM
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Flying I am sorry to hear you are going through this but I have to say I like the way you are handling it. I am in the process of ending an 8 year relationship in sobriety myself and I very much relate to what you said about the others presence being a trigger for unhealthy coping behaviors.
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:52 PM
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I'm sorry you had to make a hard choice but it was the right one for yourself. Onward and upward!
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Old 11-23-2013, 11:05 PM
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I think of quitting alcohol etc as a break-up. Some of us walk away and others go back time and time again, but eventually, we all realise it's a bad relationship.
Wishing you courage and strength - you've done the right thing
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Old 11-24-2013, 06:48 AM
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Thank you all for your support! I think it is going to hurt a bit for the next while. He isn't taking my request for no contact seriously but I am staying strong and not replying. I need to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. I know that if I stay there is just a world of pain waiting for me at the end. I need to focus on staying sober, being healthy, and taking care of my own life. I can't afford to get sucked into the drama that he has created for himself. It is up to him to deal with the consequences of his actions. I care about him, but I can't save him, and his behaviour is hurtful.
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Old 11-24-2013, 09:13 AM
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Well done and good luck for a bright happy and sober future
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Old 11-24-2013, 10:24 AM
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I ended a 6 year relationship a month after I got sober. He was a trigger and very toxic as well. I was lucky to have my family who took care of the moving, changing of phone number and bank accounts, etc. I hope you have someone in your life to do that for you as well. Early sobriety makes us very fragile and it is helpful to have someone who cares for you and is able to take complete care of everything that you can't do for yourself.
I have to admit that I went back to him after about 6 months of sobriety. I was really missing having that partner in crime to do things with. We tried for about a month and I realized that I missed having that partner but I didn't miss having him in my life. My friends weren't excited that I went back to him but I felt that I had to do it to make sure it wasn't him that I wanted.
Good luck!! It seems that there are more of us in this situation than I thought. If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.
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Old 11-24-2013, 07:07 PM
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He is texting me now and every time I feel this surge of anxiety. I am not responding. This is hard. I am not good at letting people go, but this is the best and most loving thing I can do for both of us...
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Old 11-24-2013, 07:11 PM
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Stay strong, any response will just encourage him even it is a negative one.
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Old 11-24-2013, 07:39 PM
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I think you are right Mikie9. This is hard but it is healthy and necessary. Thank goodness I am sober and I can make the right choice. If I was drinking, no doubt I would be drunk-texting him text after text of emotional garbage. My feelings are my business and I need to leave him behind. He will only hurt me more than he already has if I let him in at all.
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Old 11-24-2013, 07:48 PM
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Good for you, and I agree if you were drinking you would be in a lot worse emotional state by drunk texting him then you are by having to see the texts and ignore them. I am in sort of the same situation with a girl at work. But I think I can get thru it if I can work thru the thoughts and relearn how to speak to her without any of the baggage. When hung over every day, I could never process what was really going on and the only bad part for me now, is I have to deal with reality. I may be on hear a lot tomorrow lol.
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Old 11-25-2013, 01:43 PM
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I am still struggling with this break-up while working on maintaining my sobriety. I know that this is related to my codependency issues. It is so hard for me to let people go. I usually hold on to the bitter end no matter how much damage it does to me. I want this time to be different, I want to move on and put myself first. He has been texting me about every 12 hours, baiting me with the things he thinks I want to hear. It is hard for me to stop thinking about him and his personal problems. I can't fix him and I need to let him go and focus on my own healing. But it is so much easier said than done. It is like I am craving that feeling of being connected with him.
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Old 11-25-2013, 01:46 PM
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All things considered, you have coped with it all wonderfully xx
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Old 11-25-2013, 02:20 PM
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Change you number!! It sucks to get a new number but that saved me from having to deal with my ex. I deleted him from Facebook, although he still messaged me through there and he had my email. But those are much easier to ignore than your phone.

I find it very hard to let people go as well. I did find that it was a partner that I missed and that I did not actually miss my ex.

Make a pros and cons list. It really helps when you start to let your guard down.
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Old 11-25-2013, 08:50 PM
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Going back to a bad situation never gets better and always gets worse. It's not going to happen for you overnight, but that's never a good reason to jump back in.
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Old 11-26-2013, 02:46 AM
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Changing my number does sound like good advice on one level because then I wouldn't have to be so strong whenever he contacts me. I hope that it doesn't get to that. I think it will die down in a few more days. He has started calling, and even left a message saying that he was starting to worry about me... I feel like it is just another strategy to get me to contact him and I really don't want to get sucked back in to this situation. I need to move on and forgive myself for getting into a situation like this in the first place. I have made a list of Pros for Detachment:

-less emotional pain
-less stress
-less guilt
-less anxiety
-better able to focus on school and my own life
-increased self-esteem/respect
-opening myself up to healthier relationships
-it is the loving thing to do
-it proves to myself that I deserve better when it comes to a partner

That is all I have so far, I might come up with more later.
Thank you so much for all of your support. I probably would have given in by now if I didn't have it.
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