self destructive?
 

now that i have been clean a few weeks im starting to realize why i was using. im starting to think im punishing myself for the pain i have caused others i really dont know what else i could have been using for. when i started to use opiates i was 21 and in college having the best time of my life with no problems whatsoever, had a great childhood, now im 25 and lost alot because of it. im not a depressed person but it just seems others care about my wellbeing more than myself, i honestly have never been scared of death even though im not suicidal at all. i feel like i get pleasure from the pain of this addiction in some sick sort of way, i really dont know im just confused and trying to figure out why i was using in the first place so i can handle it so i wont use again.

I was self destructive when drinking too.:( I didn't deserve a decent life and was resigned to the probability of drinking myself to death. :( Since I've gotten sober I don't feel like that anymore.:)

Me too, Least - me too!! Xx

I started using drugs because I liked the way they made me feel. I wanted to feel good, be happy, and drugs were the acceleration lane to that emotion. Then I got addicted. Any self-destructiveness was a result of the addiction, not the cause.

What I'm saying is this, at some point "why" you used took a back seat to "needing" to use. If you think a lot of self therapy will keep you clean, great. But for now, keep it simple. Don't use, no matter what, and start living the kind of life that support your recovery.

Good luck.

yeah i agree the needing happened pretty fast and everything went downhill after that i guess i just liked how it made me feel but there has to be other reasons why i liked how it made me feel, i just feel like everyone likes how opiates/drugs/alcohol makes them feel but not everyone gets addicted

There is a lot of information out there about the science of addiction, what it does to our brain and how addiction happens. Seek it out. I don't think any reading/thinking on addiction and recovery is wasted.

That was definitely the case for me. People would ask, "Why do you want to ruin your life?"

I didn't want to ruin my life. I wanted to get drunk.

Getting drunk was ruining my life, but the ruination was never my goal.

I don't think I've ever been able to adequately explain that to a non-addict. I believe my wife and parents (not addicts) are still convinced my drinking was caused by self-destruction.

Good luck on your journey!