Cascabel

Last night, for some reason, I had a martini and a half bottle of Merlot with dinner out. It was almost as though a stranger entered my head and took over the proceedings. I felt as though I was a disinterested outside observer of the whole thing. And, worse yet, I really enjoyed the martini, truth be told. I woke this morning clear headed but really disappointed with myself.

So, my new dry date is 22 November 2013. Fortunately, alcohol does not play a large role in our family holiday traditions or I would be facing a few tough weeks in the near future. I will soon change to my new dry date on my signature. And Deeker, I am still with the 24 hour club: just a bit humbler than before.

It is said that confession is good for the soul; I hope it is also good for sobriety.

IOAA2

Hi. Over the years I've heard a number of similar situations and each time I'm reminded that this really does make alcohol Cunning, baffling and insidious.

Constant vigilance certainly helps.

BE WELL

Skye2

Two things jumped out at me. You said you 'enjoyed' the martinis and woke up with a 'clear head'.

Now, call me (insert expletive) wary - I don't see anything to suggest that you have learned from it.

Be careful Xx

SineadOConnor

To thy own self be true. Thank you for sharing. Onward and upward said the progressive giant.

LadyBlue0527

Cascabel, I am glad that you posted and that you're back on track. That's the important thing. Part of the success of this board is people sharing things (in a loving manner) when they recognize something that hits home for them. It's useless posting things that are mean and not helpful so please, please, take this for what it's meant to be. Something to be mindful of the next time that this happens.

I have been through exactly what you stated above and for me I consider it to be transferring of blame. For me it was stepping outside of myself long enough so that I could allow myself to take that drink and to not blame myself for it because there's no way that I would have made that decision. Not me! As long as I could transfer the blame onto others for my drinking then I didn't have to be accountable or responsible for that action. You may have felt like an outside observer but what that really was is you not wanting to believe that you allowed yourself to drink. It's nothing more than another way to find a reason to drink and I know how disheartening that is. I've done the same. The follow up of having enjoyed the martini and waking up clearheaded is a scary thought process. Please, please focus on the fact that regardless of those two things the focus has to be on the disappointing feeling that you had about the whole mess. If you don't do that the next time that the AV comes calling what you will remember is the great martini and how you were able to have that and wake up feeling just fine. It's all a mind game that alcohol plays with us. We didn't make the choice to drink, someone else did. We enjoyed the drink and we woke up clear headed. All big red danger flags. Realize this for what it was and keep that feeling of disappointment close. Honesty is always important. You started the post with "Last night, for some reason" You know what the reason was. You wanted to drink. That's a hard fought thing to be honest with yourself about. What was happening before you went to dinner? Were you thinking about martinis and wine before you even got there or was there a spur of the moment, give me one attitude? Important things to consider before you head out again.

The next time you're headed out to dinner run for deeker's 24 hour thread. If you have to write that name on a piece of paper and when your head starts playing the game pull it out and look at it.

You CAN do this!

anyistoomuch

Cascabel - Stop. I don't think being a disinterested outside observer of your own life is a way to live. Don't drink.

Zube

Dust yourself off and keep moving forward.

Zube

Gilmer

Keep hanging around and reading, Cascabel. Skye has a point. I relapsed last week after 6 months because I was frustrated with life and just said, "Screw it." I, too, really enjoyed my wine and subsequent ale. It was only because my conscience bothered me that I decided to give it up again--no deep conviction--till I came back to SR. Reading about other people's deep convictions refreshed my own; plus, I vented what was really bothering me, and now I find the triggers aren't there anymore. Definitely watch yourself, and open up for the good folks at SR to watch over you, too.

ImperfectlyMe

One might think the paramount of recovery is not drinking, it's NOT. Keep that in mind, it's merely the catalyst that starts the recovery. It's very easy to will yourself to not drink, it's much harder and more rewarding to work through the **** that causes the need to escape.

I wish you all the luck and strength, to get to the good place. It's so worth the work to live a life unshackled!

Dee74

what things will you be doing differently this time Cascabel?

D