My story
 

Hello all. I joined here a while ago, although have never posted. I have had this new post tab open for a few days and have been typing and deleting things since then. I don't talk about things that are going on for me and I usually always deny that anything is wrong should someone raise something. I'm sure I'm not alone with that.

I thought I would start by giving a brief summary of my story - more so for myself than anything.

So, growing up by father and brother both drank a lot, and both turned into monsters when drinking - angry, shouting, throwing things etc. I always swore that I would never drink because of this. When I was about 16 I was up late doing some science homework on a Sunday night and all I could hear was my drunken brother. It really got to me that night and all I kept thinking was I needed something to take the feelings away.. I was thinking of drugs, although was of course too scared to try anything and wouldn't even have known how to get hold of any, but these thoughts never let up.

So, skip on to present day - lots of drinking, drugs, self harm in numerous ways, anxiety, depression - whatever else. I am still trying to numb the feelings I have. I know I am not doing it in the right way, although most of the time it's the easiest way, the more enjoyable way.

The thing is, on the outside I have been able to carry on working on a successful career and study. I have limited friends and am frightened to letting people get close to me, so push them away pretty quickly, but generally people would not look at me and thing "she's a total mess...," but that is what I am. :react


I am really trying to get past all of this. I can't promise that I won't fall down, but am ready to get over this all and deal with things in a better way. I don't want to be a "victim" anymore.

There is a lot I haven't said, but this is probably the most I have said - even on an anonymous forum. I just need people to support me and stick by me, even when I'm being a total cow!!!

I'm glad I posted this.

Hi... I'm Rice :)

I'm sure you're not a total cow, Rice! :lmao With all seriousness, welcome. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing, share. Others will be sharing things, too, and you will see that you're not the only one in the universe who feels this way.

Look all around the various forums. There is something to cover the whole spectrum. I invite you to check the "Class of" threads for whichever month you quit. You'll grow fond of the people, and you are free to share (or just lurk) as much as you want.

Glad you've finally made the move to post!

Ah, the good old British 'stiff upper lip' huh ;) - It's vastly over-rated :) Just let it all out - it's totally anonymous on here and might just help.

:welcome to the posting side of things - good to have you with us :) Xx

Welcome Rice and thanks for posting. Best of luck on your sober journey, it's great!

Thanks guys.

Hey Rice! :welcome


Don't worry, we've all been known to moo once in a while too! :)

You'll find a lot of great information here and you've come to the right place. Read, read, read, and post, post, post. You've made a great decision and there's a lot of information that can help you stay on that path.

SR is a great place!

Welcome to the forum Rice, glad to have you onboard!! :dance8:

Welcome. To moo is to be human. :)

I LOVE THIS!

Rice, I think that you can see already that there is a large and very supportive group here. We are in this WITH you. :)

Hi Rice!

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds intense and it says a lot about how much of a survivor you are that you are posting here and taking control of this now. You don't sound like you are playing the victim to me at all, you sound like someone who is looking at your behaviors that you want to change and putting it in the larger context. Take comfort in that. So many feelings of all sorts seem stuffed into those memories you described just briefly to us.

I am new-ish to SR, but I have found that mooing out all of my pain and angst here has been invaluable, and I can say with conviction that I would not have gotten through some of my hardest moments without knowing that I can come here for support. I am confident you will have the same experience.

We can't change the past, and we have to live with our memories and how we experienced them, but we can definitely control how we experience our future. You sound like a highly functioning person. I want to encourage you to see this as a clean slate, to see a doctor, a therapist, go to AA or any other program, and do what you need to do to get the help you need.

The most powerful way we can take control of our lives is to gather all the resources around us to do it.

Smiles and be well.

Welcome Rice :)

Learning to reach out and ask for help was a big thing for me to learn - I'm glad I did it tho - paradoxically, asking for help helped me stop being a victim. There really is strength in a trouble shared :)

Years of drug taking and drinking took their toll on me and my self esteem - it took a little while but recovery helped me rediscover my sense of worth.

you'll find tons of support here :)

D

Hi Rice - I too work and go to school full time.
People probably wouldn't pin me as an addict, but I am & that's the truth.

I'm happy you shared, because I'm finding solace in sharing things I'd rather not.

You're doing awesome, and I love your name btw
:wave:

Welcome to posting. :) Reaching out for help means we still hold a little hope for ourselves. We haven't given up. :)

Hi Rice so glad your posting

Really relate to a lot of stuff

glad your here, good luck

welcome and good luck on your journey

:You_Rock_

Thanks for opening up!

I always push friends and people away .. that's one reason why the bar is so tempting for me:
It's nearly impossible to develop real relationships there
And when I feel too exposed I just go to a different bar..
rinse and repeat

:)