Returning to Reality
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Returning to Reality
Well, I never know quite where to post. But this time, I figure it's good to post again in Newcomers, even though I'm not one technically.
We have those - and I know there are many - who have relapsed, once, twice, God knows how many times. I'm one of them. And those who have not, but are certain as can be that they never will relapse. I WAS one of those too :-) back in the first half of last year. And then there are those who have not, but are utterly terrified of doing so - and rightly so. I think I'm also of that ilk, as well!
Confused? Me too :-) My thoughts about drinking again seem to vary daily. But the good part is: I'm sober now. 7 days sober and happily so!!! I managed it at home with a select few small doses of Valium [NOTE this is only because all my relapses and supervised detoxes this year - and SR and my own reading - have taught me to be exquisitely attuned to how it goes for me. Big disclaimer there.]
I've gone back to meetings on 5 out of these 7 days, and been very warmly welcomed back, which helped a LOT. I still have my usual degree of selectivity about the Steps and all the attendant rituals and slogans etc etc. As well as about some of the members. As I'm pretty sure some feel about me too :-) But it's given me somewhere welcoming and relevant to spend part of the days, so I'm not on my entire lonesome ALL DAY and night.
I'm getting back into doing all the small normal things of life - cleaning the house, reading, eating three meals a day, taking Bess my wonderful dog out to the beaches and into the bush near my house (that's 'forest' for you non-Aussies).
Indeed, Bess and I have just puffed and panted back inside after walking along one of the beautiful treed side streets, then down the steep hill next to the highway, where there's a panoramic view across virtually all of Port Philip Bay - and she's a bloody big bay - to the towers of the city looking like pick up sticks. Then plunged around the corner into the beach-side end of the bush - a long gully / gorge with the creek running through it, and heavily wooded and cool, with lots of bird song. I haven't been into that section for MONTHS and months - due to both bouts of drinking, bouts of detoxing, and / or bouts of lung problems. It was as if I was seeing it for the first time, back nearly two years ago when I first moved to this place.
THAT'S what awaits us if we never ever give up on quitting. I'm sure as hell practising my gratitude every day now. May I continue to do so, for that alone - I'm coming to see, slowly - can keep us sober and sane.
Never give up, troops!
Vic
We have those - and I know there are many - who have relapsed, once, twice, God knows how many times. I'm one of them. And those who have not, but are certain as can be that they never will relapse. I WAS one of those too :-) back in the first half of last year. And then there are those who have not, but are utterly terrified of doing so - and rightly so. I think I'm also of that ilk, as well!
Confused? Me too :-) My thoughts about drinking again seem to vary daily. But the good part is: I'm sober now. 7 days sober and happily so!!! I managed it at home with a select few small doses of Valium [NOTE this is only because all my relapses and supervised detoxes this year - and SR and my own reading - have taught me to be exquisitely attuned to how it goes for me. Big disclaimer there.]
I've gone back to meetings on 5 out of these 7 days, and been very warmly welcomed back, which helped a LOT. I still have my usual degree of selectivity about the Steps and all the attendant rituals and slogans etc etc. As well as about some of the members. As I'm pretty sure some feel about me too :-) But it's given me somewhere welcoming and relevant to spend part of the days, so I'm not on my entire lonesome ALL DAY and night.
I'm getting back into doing all the small normal things of life - cleaning the house, reading, eating three meals a day, taking Bess my wonderful dog out to the beaches and into the bush near my house (that's 'forest' for you non-Aussies).
Indeed, Bess and I have just puffed and panted back inside after walking along one of the beautiful treed side streets, then down the steep hill next to the highway, where there's a panoramic view across virtually all of Port Philip Bay - and she's a bloody big bay - to the towers of the city looking like pick up sticks. Then plunged around the corner into the beach-side end of the bush - a long gully / gorge with the creek running through it, and heavily wooded and cool, with lots of bird song. I haven't been into that section for MONTHS and months - due to both bouts of drinking, bouts of detoxing, and / or bouts of lung problems. It was as if I was seeing it for the first time, back nearly two years ago when I first moved to this place.
THAT'S what awaits us if we never ever give up on quitting. I'm sure as hell practising my gratitude every day now. May I continue to do so, for that alone - I'm coming to see, slowly - can keep us sober and sane.
Never give up, troops!
Vic
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by bemyself 
THAT'S what awaits us if we never ever give up on quitting. I'm sure as hell practising my gratitude every day now. May I continue to do so, for that alone - I'm coming to see, slowly - can keep us sober and sane.
Never give up, troops!
Vic
Never give up, troops!
Vic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
..Aww, thanks so much guys - yeah, I've been following as many of the main forums as I can, even while I was drinking and these past few days especially. So I reckon SR - this remarkable global community - is a big part of inspiring me to keep on getting up and back into real life.
And I also REALLY know deep down now just how much this damned addiction of ours is a surefire death sentence - particularly when you're not far off 60 years old. I so don't want to die as my father did, at the tender age of 62, alone in a rooming house, from totally untreated and un-arrested alcoholism (and smoking, which I also do), both over many decades.
Now, it's time for me - just like so many of us here - to try to get free for good from all the angst and haunting failures of my life, all the guilt and regrets for things done and things not-done or achieved. I don't even have Great Expectations of even 'achieving' much more external stuff....I don't have the energy frankly due to the other medical and psych conditions I'm sorta stuck with now (my 'stigmata' if you like, without being overly dramatic). But I do want to find a simple daily peace. That, I'm workin' on - and can of course only even have a chance of that if I DON'T DRINK.
It's twilight now - daylight saving twilight. The dog is on her blanket. I've turned off the news and current affairs telly, had my good ole spaghetti bol. A few birds are still calling from the big trees in surrounding gardens and from the bush. Have a confoundingly difficult crossword on the go, and a good (hopefully) escapist European crime thriller book from the library yet to start.
I'm tired, yawny, but clear headed; none of the hideous rising blood pressure, heart palpitations, pain in various organs, whoozy head, chaotic anxious and depressing maelstrom of thoughts, itching, throat feeling like it's full of acid......I wouldn't even bother to rhetorically ask 'WHY do we do it to ourselves?' Because I know. It's addiction, at the deepest and most cellular and brain chemistry level. That's why we do it, or did it. Insanity alright, and yeah, a sly death wish. And we all know what it feels like.
I totally get that Buddhist inspired saying: 'pain is inevitable [in human life]; suffering is optional'. And to not keep opting for the suffering: that's the path of recovery, I suspect for me.
And I also REALLY know deep down now just how much this damned addiction of ours is a surefire death sentence - particularly when you're not far off 60 years old. I so don't want to die as my father did, at the tender age of 62, alone in a rooming house, from totally untreated and un-arrested alcoholism (and smoking, which I also do), both over many decades.
Now, it's time for me - just like so many of us here - to try to get free for good from all the angst and haunting failures of my life, all the guilt and regrets for things done and things not-done or achieved. I don't even have Great Expectations of even 'achieving' much more external stuff....I don't have the energy frankly due to the other medical and psych conditions I'm sorta stuck with now (my 'stigmata' if you like, without being overly dramatic). But I do want to find a simple daily peace. That, I'm workin' on - and can of course only even have a chance of that if I DON'T DRINK.
It's twilight now - daylight saving twilight. The dog is on her blanket. I've turned off the news and current affairs telly, had my good ole spaghetti bol. A few birds are still calling from the big trees in surrounding gardens and from the bush. Have a confoundingly difficult crossword on the go, and a good (hopefully) escapist European crime thriller book from the library yet to start.
I'm tired, yawny, but clear headed; none of the hideous rising blood pressure, heart palpitations, pain in various organs, whoozy head, chaotic anxious and depressing maelstrom of thoughts, itching, throat feeling like it's full of acid......I wouldn't even bother to rhetorically ask 'WHY do we do it to ourselves?' Because I know. It's addiction, at the deepest and most cellular and brain chemistry level. That's why we do it, or did it. Insanity alright, and yeah, a sly death wish. And we all know what it feels like.
I totally get that Buddhist inspired saying: 'pain is inevitable [in human life]; suffering is optional'. And to not keep opting for the suffering: that's the path of recovery, I suspect for me.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Yeah. Suffering IS optional. Ain't it the truth. Life really is all that we make it out for ourselves to be or not be is a well re-learned lesson speaking for myself. A well lived life sans suffering is more valuable then a long lived insufferable life could ever be is my view. Those special aha! moments when all things are good and right and sufficient - those moments are simply the best!
Dignity. Now there is a word that demands reckoning with, yeah? Not dying in a drunken stupor is a real achievement for me, for you, for any of us who have done the right thing and quit drinking. A rich sense of responsibility is a wonderfully worthy companion for the journey onward. Our choosing to embrace such sober responsibility now rather than eschew it makes all the difference in the world.
Dignity. Now there is a word that demands reckoning with, yeah? Not dying in a drunken stupor is a real achievement for me, for you, for any of us who have done the right thing and quit drinking. A rich sense of responsibility is a wonderfully worthy companion for the journey onward. Our choosing to embrace such sober responsibility now rather than eschew it makes all the difference in the world.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 158
"Daily peace" is an apt way to describe what you're seeking. Eliminating the stimuli drinking or other substances can introduce is indeed worthwhile. Life is always going to bring chaos in some form. However, there's no need to artificially infuse chaos with booze or otherwise. Once you reach a point where nature and human/pet interaction alone supply your daily stimuli, I bet you'll find your daily peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Brisbane QLD
Posts: 53
I have read so many stories and comments over the past 2 weeks and I would like to say that are all so heart fully inspiring. The honest and truthful insights regarding individual journeys filled with such accurate accounts, many of which I can directly relate to. I find it amazing now that I used to dislike reading immensely years ago. Now I can't stop as I am learning so much from so many. There is so much wisdom that comes from experience and mistakes made. It is making me stronger and more determined every day to keep fighting this terrible addiction.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Vic ,
I have heard it said by a wise man that all in life is pain, death and destruction .
I gave up running , i gave up escaping . I stare it straight in the eye and make do with what there is today and am happy and grateful for it .
Glad to see you posting , glad to see you working on yourself , you've got a great mind it's nice to have you on the journey with me .
bestwishes, m
I have heard it said by a wise man that all in life is pain, death and destruction .
I gave up running , i gave up escaping . I stare it straight in the eye and make do with what there is today and am happy and grateful for it .
Glad to see you posting , glad to see you working on yourself , you've got a great mind it's nice to have you on the journey with me .
bestwishes, m
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Dignity: you got it as usual Robby. The complete opposite of the alcoholic death, like my father's and so many others. On that point: only yesterday here in Aus, an inquest court released CCTV footage in a case involving police officers who locked up a Chinese chronic alcoholic, aged only 51. AFter four hours in the cell they kicked him out into the rain and cold of a May night 2010. He lay outside the police station, basically going into organ failure due to both end stage stage cirrohsis compounded by hypothermia. He'd begged for them to call an ambulance while in the cell; the ambulance only came more than forty minutes after they left him outside as the coppers had said it was non-urgent. He got to hospital eventually and died the following morning.
The footage in the cell and from the outside cctv camera is stark and heart rending to see. An un-dignified dying and death from alcoholism on every level. Close to the kind of thing you often say about your own decision all those years ago to NOT die an alcoholic death.
The footage in the cell and from the outside cctv camera is stark and heart rending to see. An un-dignified dying and death from alcoholism on every level. Close to the kind of thing you often say about your own decision all those years ago to NOT die an alcoholic death.
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