I'm back and want to try again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 8
I'm back and want to try again
This is another post i've created stating that I want to stop. I've been pretty apprehensive about doing it because I always seem to fail, realistcly I fail about twice a day.
I'm addicted to codeine (30mg /500mg paracetamol) and take up-to 8 codeine tablets a day or If i have access to them, upto 10 Tramadol a day. I was smoking alot of weed aswell but over the last few months my usage of that has shot right down and I'm no longer using it so to speak.
I get alot of support from different people/organizations, but I've been lying to them telling them I'm recovering/stopped - because if im honest i haven't got the strength to tell them im still very much in the same place. I feel so disappointed in myself that I cant bare to see/feel their disappointment, so lying and dealing with the guilt it's been. This is includes my support worker (who works in the office beneath my supported housing) and my drugs councillor.
I moved away from my 6 year girlfriend and 4 year old son last year to the above bedsit in an attempt to get myself sorted, but nothing much has really changed. My girlfriend/fiancée has stayed with me through thick and thin and I still stay down with her half the week. I wanted to move because I'm codependent on her and this really embarrasses me to say, but I plague her to get me the tablets from her relatives to support my addiction or i cache in her prescription for Tramadol once a month (which lasts about 4 days) and take all her back pain meds and leave her with 0.
I keep telling myself I need the tablets but I know i'm just doing it because I just dont know what else todo with myself and its far easier to just give in rather than deal with my emotions. The longest time In 4 years that I've been 100% free of all drugs is 1 month and I can honestly say most of the time I think im going to be like this for the rest of my life/get worse, have kidney failure, or commit suicide because I make myself feel so bad sometimes.
Thing is i have an excellent support group around me, my mother was an alcoholic for about 30 years and kicked it when her grandson was born and she has run some of her own AA groups in the passed and is very helpfull. But it seems to make very little difference to how I feel about myself or how I approach my day to day routine. Deep down im affraid to try and stop because I dont know what to expect anymore and all my pent up feelings will be to difficult to deal with. So i distract myself with idle pleasures that sort/or fill nothing in my life. Just so i can pass the time untill i can use again.
But today I thought that this can be be my first step in the right direction with no lying and with nothing to hide here is my first recovery post.
I'm addicted to codeine (30mg /500mg paracetamol) and take up-to 8 codeine tablets a day or If i have access to them, upto 10 Tramadol a day. I was smoking alot of weed aswell but over the last few months my usage of that has shot right down and I'm no longer using it so to speak.
I get alot of support from different people/organizations, but I've been lying to them telling them I'm recovering/stopped - because if im honest i haven't got the strength to tell them im still very much in the same place. I feel so disappointed in myself that I cant bare to see/feel their disappointment, so lying and dealing with the guilt it's been. This is includes my support worker (who works in the office beneath my supported housing) and my drugs councillor.
I moved away from my 6 year girlfriend and 4 year old son last year to the above bedsit in an attempt to get myself sorted, but nothing much has really changed. My girlfriend/fiancée has stayed with me through thick and thin and I still stay down with her half the week. I wanted to move because I'm codependent on her and this really embarrasses me to say, but I plague her to get me the tablets from her relatives to support my addiction or i cache in her prescription for Tramadol once a month (which lasts about 4 days) and take all her back pain meds and leave her with 0.
I keep telling myself I need the tablets but I know i'm just doing it because I just dont know what else todo with myself and its far easier to just give in rather than deal with my emotions. The longest time In 4 years that I've been 100% free of all drugs is 1 month and I can honestly say most of the time I think im going to be like this for the rest of my life/get worse, have kidney failure, or commit suicide because I make myself feel so bad sometimes.
Thing is i have an excellent support group around me, my mother was an alcoholic for about 30 years and kicked it when her grandson was born and she has run some of her own AA groups in the passed and is very helpfull. But it seems to make very little difference to how I feel about myself or how I approach my day to day routine. Deep down im affraid to try and stop because I dont know what to expect anymore and all my pent up feelings will be to difficult to deal with. So i distract myself with idle pleasures that sort/or fill nothing in my life. Just so i can pass the time untill i can use again.
But today I thought that this can be be my first step in the right direction with no lying and with nothing to hide here is my first recovery post.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Sounds like you might have a bit of what i've heard called addiction ambivalence going on .
Sometimes i've felt a bit lost but i think we got to have faith in the path we are pursuing with sobriety and a better and more glorious life as the goal.
I hope you find a way, for me living sober and clean is worthwhile ,
Bestwishes, m
Sometimes i've felt a bit lost but i think we got to have faith in the path we are pursuing with sobriety and a better and more glorious life as the goal.
I hope you find a way, for me living sober and clean is worthwhile ,
Bestwishes, m
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
Welcome back and great first post.
Do you have any kind of plan yet to make little steps towards your goal?
Changing what you have done in the past that hasn't worked is important. What will you do differently this time?
It sounds like you are right on about stopping lying with your outside support. You really have to want it to make it stick.
Honesty with myself and others was the first step for me.
Also, do you think it might be helpful for your girlfriend to educate herself about co-dependence to support herself and you?
She could find a great deal of info on this site to start with.
I wish you the strength to finally stop for good, and it is great that you aren't giving up
Do you have any kind of plan yet to make little steps towards your goal?
Changing what you have done in the past that hasn't worked is important. What will you do differently this time?
It sounds like you are right on about stopping lying with your outside support. You really have to want it to make it stick.
Honesty with myself and others was the first step for me.
Also, do you think it might be helpful for your girlfriend to educate herself about co-dependence to support herself and you?
She could find a great deal of info on this site to start with.
I wish you the strength to finally stop for good, and it is great that you aren't giving up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
Welcome back and great first post.
Do you have any kind of plan yet to make little steps towards your goal?
Changing what you have done in the past that hasn't worked is important. What will you do differently this time?
Do you have any kind of plan yet to make little steps towards your goal?
Changing what you have done in the past that hasn't worked is important. What will you do differently this time?
I always expect WAAAAAY too much of myself, thinking I can be/do XYZ and try and run 100 before I can barley walk. I gota do goals 1-10 right now or im a failure.
I dont try to address my feelings by calming/slowing my mind down or expressing myself or atleast try to be honest with myself or others. I just seem to thinking stopping will solve all my problems.
I dont find nothing meaningful/rewarding todo that doesn't benefit myself.
This time i may try attending AA/NA meetings.
Not again
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
There is no failure except in the not trying.
Wisdom, unfortunately, is gained through experience. And as we make our way through life many of the difficulties we experience, it is learned, only happen because we fail to see. We fail to see other options or we fail to see the part we play.
When we hear WE must change sometimes we think about how to change our enviroment (people, places & things). This can be helpful, but it is NOT ourselves. It took along time for me to realize, that if I am an addict and wish not to be I can no longer be "me". I had to decide wether to be "cool" and suffer or be average and happy. It took a long time for me to realize that in trying to be cool, I was trying to be something I wasn't and what that was, was happy with myself. It took some searching, not around town, nor on the internet, but searching inside of myself.
It's not easy, nor is it qiuck, but becoming who we really are certainly is more comfortable. When you decide to look for yourself, you'll realize whats truely important. There is no majic words or buttons to push. It takes work and above all...it takes a lifetime to become who we really are.
Be well,
Larry
Wisdom, unfortunately, is gained through experience. And as we make our way through life many of the difficulties we experience, it is learned, only happen because we fail to see. We fail to see other options or we fail to see the part we play.
When we hear WE must change sometimes we think about how to change our enviroment (people, places & things). This can be helpful, but it is NOT ourselves. It took along time for me to realize, that if I am an addict and wish not to be I can no longer be "me". I had to decide wether to be "cool" and suffer or be average and happy. It took a long time for me to realize that in trying to be cool, I was trying to be something I wasn't and what that was, was happy with myself. It took some searching, not around town, nor on the internet, but searching inside of myself.
It's not easy, nor is it qiuck, but becoming who we really are certainly is more comfortable. When you decide to look for yourself, you'll realize whats truely important. There is no majic words or buttons to push. It takes work and above all...it takes a lifetime to become who we really are.
Be well,
Larry
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