AugustWest11

Not sure how long I will be here. Meds are kicking in & I do have phone calls to make as well. But alive, pain free for now & sober. Started down my dark road again recently. The pain & frustration has been getting to me. Not to mention the isolation.

ScottFromWI

You choose the road you head down AW. You have access to resources that can lead you down the "light" road if you want to. You have your parents for support, now some potential medical help and contacts from the doctors you just saw, etc. Did you ever follow through on any of the rehab plans you were making prior to your move back to Boston?

AugustWest11

Can't afford any of them, especially since I can't work @ this time. But going to check some other options. The whole anxiety issue is not helping me. Not to mention not being able to work .

ScottFromWI

You've been down this road before AW. You have to make the best of what you have, not feel sorry for yourself about what you don't. There are many things you can do for free. You have a roof over your head, food to eat, transportation and time. Make the best of it.

jdooner

This comes from the best place in my heart.

Go back and look at your past posts. You had a stretch of 20 or so days that you seemed almost happy. Your posts were upbeat vs this morbid "Checking In." I am not sure whether you want help or pity. It looks like pity. You post how awful things are and then people suggest changing the variables and you respond how you can't. Its insanity at its best.

You don't comment on others - others that have helped you. It shows a lack of community on your part, which I believe is part of the problem and it only hurting you.

I know a bit about you from you posts since August but I don't know you...so I may be off base in my assessment. You have a tough load of crap with your back pain, inability I guess to work (not sure I believe this though) and relationship but have you ever looked at what your role was in all this? You posted such and honest response to ScottfromWi a few months ago regarding your GF and I think it had something to do with why you were still with your EX and surprisingly it had to do with housing. You have acquiesced to a life of taking and not returning anything. Being of service could provide some purpose and I am willing to bet will change the negative karma that surrounds you like a fog at the moment.

Again, my post comes from love not to belittle you at all. Best.

zombiegirl

Have u spoken to someone about ur back pain as I had surgery on mine as it was so buggered up from several things. I needed the surgery as the drugs I were on didn't make a difference in the end n I became used to them.
It's a hell of a lot better then it was but even when I couldn't walk I still worked I had to.

Don't give in n just Thank god for everyday u are here as there is always somebody worse then u xxxx
Chin up

AugustWest11

My back as you say is not a load of crap AT ALL. As I have stated, I am missing 10+ % of muscle mass in my lower back. As for the workin part SS will not let me make over a certain amount if I am to be eligible. When you been in a coma or have had a softball sized cancerous tumor removed, then feel free to say I am a load of crap. Thanx for that lovely upbeat assment. On that note I am out, enjoy your f'in day & I think you might not need to worry about my "morbid" post any longer. Again thanx a ton.

ScottFromWI

Don't crawl into your shell just because of a comment you don't like AW. You've done this before and you know the results. People are trying to help you and you aren't listening, i hope you can find the strength to take some of the helpful advice you've been given.

AugustWest11

Thanx Scott, but screw it, calling me a liar is more then I can deal with. Especially since I do have a ton of medical evidence. But seems my shell is the only place I am content. I knew I hated people for a reason & that just verifies why. Again Scott thanx always took your critism to heart. Enjoy your day & lives people. Good luck on your continued recovery & all you new comers stick w\ it & don't let a post get to you like I have. Laterz

jdooner

It does not say your back is a load of crap, quite the opposite, while I question your ability to not get a job, I actually empathize with you pain. What I am merely suggesting is you look at your role in all the problems and difficulties that seem to come your way.

Remember Dennis, I am the same guy that made calls for you to pull string in Boston and get you into one of the best hospitals. My intentions are still true - I am only trying to help but feel you have slipped on a slope.

Again, read some of you past posts.

wehav2day

Hey aw. You said goodbye but you are still online. I see that as a good thing, hopeful thing.

Life has a way of getting to us and the crappy things pile up to the point of seeming completely insurmountable. The only way I've ever found to help that feeling is to do three things: take a deep breath. Find one thing in your life you are grateful for. (Even if it's simply breathing its a start!). Pick one step you can take, no matter how small, that can make your life better today. Then you are making progress. And even if there's still a pile of stuff to deal with, progress always feels better than nothing.

You can do it, but there's no substitute for jumping in and doing something again. The crappier we feel the more important it is to choose the positive.

hellhammer

Fight the beast keep it up!!!

ScottFromWI

Hate is a pretty strong word AW. Perhaps a little time away to collect your thoughts would be best.

PurpleKnight

Hey in general though still stick around, I know one thing, not talking to people could end up in a bad place, stay and have the support of the community, i'm sure most of us would agree, it's what is getting us through those difficult times that show up each day, I know on my own I don't think I could do it!

Dee74

That was a massive overreaction man.
You read dooner wrong Dennis.

Look, everyone here wants you to be well and happy.
I'm glad you're feeling better but honestly? you don't seem very happy.

We can reply to your threads, but we can't change your life, We can't get you to where you want to be.

Only you can do that.

You're gonna have to think about that, D.

D

Robert777

Hey Man, I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I too am really struggling. I hope you stay here and chat with us. This is the best place for us to be. I feel for you and hope you can get better as I hope I can too. I struggle with really bad social anxiety and it stops me getting to meetings and even ringing my sponsor. We are in this mess together and we can help each other out of this black pit. God bless you friend.

Robert777

We are all bonded with this horrible affliction. I am presently drinking now after stealing money from my dad to drink. I feel terrible about doing stuff like that but when the cravings strike, I crumble. I am hoping I have the courage tomorrow to ring my sponsor and get the help I need because I know I can't do this alone. I have to go through all this fear, shame, and stress to get to the other side. Have you tried AA and getting a sponsor? Much Love Bro.

Bruce292

Good to see you here. "But alive, pain free for now & sober" ... all really really good things. Seriously. As Richie Havens used to say ... "It's good to be here, it's good to be anywhere".

I understand that dark road all too well. I keep seeing the signposts pointing in that direction as well. So far so good ... but the days are getting short.

As for some posts ... ain't no time to hate.

Robert777

I too live a lot in isolation. Gone back to living as a recluse pretty much. I only go out to drink and drug. Us alkies shouldn't isolate because then we are left with our dark thoughts and such. We know what we have to do, we are just so afraid of leaving our comfort zones but the Truth is we don't need to be afraid, this is just the lies out addictions tell us so we stay away from the things that will remedy our misery.

Robert777

Hope I'm making sense and not just rambling.