JadeSatellite

Hello friends!

I haven't posted in a few weeks and thought I'd check in. I have been doing pretty well on my sobriety, but I have had a few relapses. Thank god they didn't result in anything terrible happening like they had before.

I have had a few glasses of wine here and there with my partner. One day I was having an anxiety attack and bought a bottle of vodka before work. I didn't drink at work, but I did afterwards. I didn't like the way I felt, and so I gave the rest of the bottle to a (responsible) drinking friend.

Tonight is pretty hard for me. My partner is out to dinner with friends, and so I am alone here with my thoughts, anxieties and urges. I'm trying to forget there's a shop one block away that sells alcohol. I will be able to get through the night, but I am really, really tired of craving alcohol. I know I don't want it, I know I don't like the way it makes me feel. And so why does my body and brain tell me I *need* it? Ugh.

I hope everyone out there is doing well. Thanks for all the support

WritingHelps

Posting on here was a better choice than going to the shop. Congratulations! Looks like your slip ups have helped you recognize some triggers. Since we can't change the past, we just have to learn from it. Sounds like you are making progress

JadeSatellite

Thank you, Writing. I wanted to do something else other than give into my physical urges. I am trying to train myself to do what I need to do, rather than what I want to do. Drinking alcohol is a *want* - and it kills me every time I drink liquor. I can imagine a life of mine having a glass of wine or two on a romantic evening, but I need to realize that drinking like other people just isn't in the cards for me. It ruins the things that are important to me. My life is more important than drinking - bottom line.

Dee74

good to see you back posting Jade
do you think you might need more support?

D

JadeSatellite

I do think I need more support, thank you for bringing that up, Dee. But in my situation right now, I am on bare bones - I get my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds from a free clinic, I haven't been able to pay this months' rent yet, our car got totaled, and I am kinda swimming in a sea of anxiety at the moment. I know it is very important to be sober, I really do realize this. But in my mind, in the face of all this economic adversity, A glass of wine with dinner really isn't doing to kill me. I need to relax. And a single glass of wine does help me.

I am of the thought that human beings utilize many substances to help them through their day... be it tylenol or advil... pharmaceutical drugs, herbs and minerals. Right now, I don't drink except for a glass of wine with dinner when my partner brings it home, which is once or twice a week.

To me, being able to control myself with a glass of wine is remarkable. I used to drink half a gallon of vodka and then go act stupid and put myself and other folks in danger. I have thankfully not done that.

I am trying to get things in my life on track. And at the moment, I enjoy ALLOWING myself a glass of wine to wind down from a horrible day once a week. I know it sounds cheesy and stupid to everyone, but at the moment that is what is working for me.

And it really, truly, is a step up from the past 3 years - drinking straight vodka every night.

BombusQueen

Heya Jade,
Are you sure it's you talking and not the alcohol? I used to control drink. I'd do pretty good for a week or even a month, but eventually I would talk myself into having "just one more" again, and again and again until I was blacked out. I woke up in pain and regret, which would last for weeks. I don't know what kind of alcoholic you are--or if you consider yourself one--but people that are not alcoholics don't have to control their drinking. I can gladly say that I never caused anyone physical pain, but I certainly hurt peoples hearts--mainly my own. I thank the powers that be for my life because all it takes is one mistake--one time to fall down and hit my head and never wake up--one mistake in a blackout and I take the life of another--one horrible act with devastating, irreversible results. I've heard some incredibly sad stories. Cunning, baffling and powerful. Alcohol takes all forms of thought and will rationalize it's realization at any cost. It is 100% about staying away from the 1st drink. Keep reaching out, keep talking about your thoughts and feelings. Stay away from rationalizing that 1st drink. I'm 74 days sober today looking forward to the day I get my 30 year chip. However, one day at a time and I'm just happy to be sober today

ReadyAtLast

Jade-it sounds like you are tryin to moderate.
I know how hard it is to stop. Please don't be lulled into a false sense of security just because nothing bad has happened so far when you've had a couple of controlled drinks.When that happened to me I felt really pleased but now I understand it was only a matter of time till I did get really drunk again and somethign bad happened.

If quitting is your aim then I agree with Dee,please look at gettign more support. You'll prob find your anti ds and anti anxiety meds will work so much better when you're not having any alcohol at all too. I know it did for me.If you're on benzos they can be lethal with alcohol.

It's good to see you back here .Please don't be afraid to post. Postign here day and night in the early weeks really helped me stay grounded and got me through the bad cravings.

MythOfSisyphus

Good to see you back, Jade. You came for support, not a lecture, so I'll try not to lecture.

Moderation is a dangerous thing...even if it works, the next bender is only a couple too many drinks away. I appreciate that you have a lot of stress and a lot on your plate. That single glass of wine probably isn't really helping.

Still, you're here. You're trying and haven't given up. Cold turkey is the only way I trust myself to function. I'll leave it to you to decide what's best for you.

It's good to see things are looking up for you, Jade. I hope you turn the corner soon.

cardoon

I'd put the alcohol money toward the rent.

KateL

Slips are par for the course. Moderation worked for me for a time, but I went off it in the end which was lucky. Good luck with everything xx

Hawkeye13

Hi Jade;
I was just thinking about you last night and I was so glad to see your post today.

I am hoping things will get better soon and it's great you are still working to quit.
Cravings for me didn't stop when I tried moderation. Sort of like chocolate--having a bit
just makes me want to have more and I can't get it out of my mind.

Take care and please keep posting.