ckoures

I'm not about to rationalize the fact that I am a giant f-up. From start to finish. I am 50-years old. You'd look at my resume and think I was pretty impressive, but should you have the choice opportunity to know me, well then... welcome to hell on earth.

My daughter is 18. Instead of starting her college career on a good note, she got involved with a kid later jailed for threatening to kill her, two other girls, and drink their blood. One might think that would be enough. But no, I get a call last Thursday she o'd'd on Robitussin.

To top off that pleasantry, my spouse shoved me around that night, as it was "my fault."

There's enough blame to cast around. But I just wonder when does this pain, the one I try to medicate away, does it ever, ever, ever go away? Or does it just sit here, like a bright red scar all too ready to be ripped off.

Yes, I drank after that. I drank and drank and drank some more. There were never substance abuse issues in my home until five years ago. Now there is, from me. And my little slice of hell? Has me sharing it with the people I love the most.

NorCal1970

Sorry to hear of your struggle ck. We are all here to support you and your battle against addiction. You said that there were no addiction issues up until 5 years ago. I am just curious was it a specific event or a colmination of things that led up to you start to drink?

Hang in there!

ScottFromWI

It never goes away if you keep drinking. In fact, it gets worse. That's one of the unfortunate guarantees with addiction.

It's not easy to quit, and the issues you are trying to escape don't go away. But if you can take care of yourself first you have a fighting chance to solve the other problems. And it is possible. People do it every day and from much worse circumstances. You just have to decide which path you want to go down.

ckoures

My marriage has been fairly mentally abusive. I bankrupted our family with a failing business and drank every day to be able to close my eyes, to just feel that I wasn't filth. Maybe some people, I've had protracted periods of sobriety, six months or so, maybe some of us just don't deserve to be sober because I sure know every time I take a drink, I tell myself I deserve it and I don't mean as a prize. I know self pity is the worst. I know it is not productive. I guess I just need to chose today to not drink. And maybe some day, I'll think I am worth being sober.

least

But you ARE worth being sober! Every one of us is. You have more than your share of trouble but you still deserve a peaceful life.

I hope we can help you get sober for good, cause the more you drink, the more problems you'll have.

KateL

You are worthy of being sober, everyone is. It sounds to me like perhaps you are being bullied into self doubt and being made to take the blame for everything. Be tough and don't listen to it. Look after yourself. You deserve it xxxx

Anna

I truly hope that you get out of your abusive marriage. Abuse is unacceptable and I hope that you will consider a Women's Shelter in your area where you will be safe.

When you start caring for yourself, the pain will begin to ease up and you will feel better.

ScottFromWI

Self pity is your enemy, but so is an abusive relationship. And drinking, while it seems to be a temporary cure, is exactly the opposite. It makes everything worse.

If you have run your own business, even if it is currently not successful, that tells me you are an intelligent and resourceful person. Why not put some of those resources towards taking care of yourself. Sounds like you've put that off far too long. There are people that can help here, and also where you are now. You can take the first step today and not drink.

ckoures

I came and wrote and thank you. Up to a big whopping eight hours. Wow. But I guess eight hours is a start. I tried to talk to my spouse, of course all he can say is everything is my fault and whatever self loathing I feel is my fault because who, of course, would have me beside him. So lucky. Just another eight hours and I can be at work. Another ten and I can go work out. Another lifetime and maybe I can be someone worth being proud of.

SweatyHands

It pains me to read this. It pains me because I know the feeling of hopelessness and shame. I think we all do. We all have very unique circumstances and the details are our own, but in the end we're all filling in the blanks in one big cosmic MadLib. I found this scrawled on a piece of paper in my night stand when I got home from detox: "Learn to deal with authority. Reclaim your confidence and stop feeling guilty for wanting to be happy. Meditate upon the trigger for your loss of... Don't even remember the word. Dammit." I have no recollection of writing that while I was drinking. I do know however that I would not have been able to start rebuilding my self confidence if I was still looking through the bottom of a bottle. You can be sober. You deserve to be happy.

RevivingOphelia

Besides stopping drinking which helps nothing, I think leaving someone who makes you feel worthless, blames you for everything, and "shoves" you "around" is worth considering. Make some healthy choices for you.

ckoures

So I made it through the night. Of course, my spouse pleasantly told me he would rise above blaming our problems entirely on me, but don't make the mistake of asking him whether he loves me. I am worried my daughter won't come home from school but would rather stay at school and tell her druggie half lies. The desire to ease how much this hurts is almost eating me whole. But I can make it, I think, to lunch. Thanks again. Oh and as I never get lunch, I'm safe until dinner

pinkdog

Hi ckoures, Alcohol is a depressant. The further you get away from the alcohol, the more positive your life will be. You will be able to think clearly and be more positive without the alcohol. You can do this. Best wishes.

JaylaaKent

My children grew up in a wonderful home with no drug/alcohol/Mormon. My oldest daughter struggled with drug use/bad boyfriend and my middle daughter ran away - there are always problems with families - none of which you can control - don't beat yourself up.

ckoures

Thanks so much for your support. I was raised Mormon. Wished I had never made the choice to step away from the church. It just breaks my heart. I see the bad things I have done while drunk, the rantings, ravings, ridiculous crap that no one should endure. I really think all that is left inside me is black mud. Maybe it will go away in time. Not too sure. I haven't blown it like this in well, exactly a year. At least I am consistent! I just pray she finds her way. I'd step in front of a truck to protect her. Too bad I didn't do that before now.