kittlekat

I don't know if I can do this! Life without alcohol is so hard. Everyday I desire to get and maintain that false sense of security it brings me by making my mind fuzzy and non caring. Facing life without it has been a nightmare. I cannot sleep so I take mellotonin. It is helping but now what....will I begin abusing them?

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR, kk.

Why is life a nightmare without alcohol? I preferred drunkenness to sobriety, but those side-effects are a killer. That's what made my nightmare.

You can feel OK sober. You might not believe that yet, but it's true. Keep trying until you find the path for you.

IOAA2

Hi and welcome. I suggest reading a lot of posts here to get the lay of the land. If so many world wide can plug the jug I made a try and succeeded because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired too many times. I got all my help at the time from AA and continue meetings. Being honest about our drinking is a positive start along with accepting that I can't drink in safety. Life definitely gets better if we work at it one day at a time.

BE WELL

Ghostlight1

Hello and welcome.

I had that desire for the alcohol buzz for thirty years.
Believe me, it's no way to live once sobriety clears the mind.
I turned into an every day drinker, and the joy of the buzz was a thing of the past. I had to drink. To get rid of the hangover, to feel 'normal' and to stave off the withdrawls.
It was a miserable life.
I don't know much about Mellotonin so wish I could help there.

My life became a nightmare of drinking. Once you get some sober time behind you, things are almost gaurnteed to get better. Even sleep.

Nice to have you here and feel free to post as often as you like.

Best to you.

kittlekat

I really hope so. I have truly gotten tired of the drama, the forgetfulness, the pain I cause, and feeling like crap. But it is the craving. I literally will say all day long, I'm not drinking today...yet I get off work after 8 hours and not even thinking....drive thru the liquor store and get a pint. I had gotten to a point I drive out of my way to go to different stores to get it. Embarrassed by the fact I get it so much from the same place. I just want to be normal but not sure how to go about it. I went to AA a couple years ago, but it felt so clinical and I didn't feel the support. I know sounds like an excuse and maybe it is. I just know for now I am going to be ok. When I have been tempted this past week.....only a week today I have been alcohol free. I call my grandbabies and spend time with them. I even started making excuses for myself today. I went a week...see I can do it anytime. Already trying to talk myself into drinking. The way our minds work scare me. The thing is...I am aware of the excuses I am making to get some. For me this is a big step!

robgt350

Kat
you know something,, i said the same thing about a year ago when i first came here. you can do it if you put your mind to it

WhoDey

I too was fearful of sobriety, but I knew deep down that the alcohol-laced path I was on was unsustainable. What choice do you have? Read the posts here on SR and learn from the stories of others. I reached a point where I had to take a leap of faith.

Fandy

welcome kittlekat and congrats on your first week..a good start. I hope that you are feeling better physically and do NOT want to go back to the fuzzy, craptastic desperate feeling,,,(btdt along with changing up liquor stores too).

if you don't feel comfortable with the AA method, know that there are other types of self-programs you can look into. (see the Secular section about AVRT, it is a good free read along with some books). Good call on finding other ways to be happy with your grandchildren!

think of your health and wealth from NOT drinking.

(oh and welcome back Nonsensical too)

Nonsensical

I think the most difficult thing for me to come to terms with is that once I became addicted to alcohol part of my own brain was betraying me. That addicted part that tells me those pretty little lies about how it will be OK this time. Recognizing that liar is a big step - so GOOD FOR YOU! The next step is consistently telling that liar "NO!" The third step is improving the parts of your brain that are still working well for you. The part that finds comfort from your grandchildren. (doesn't sound particularly nightmarish, btw! - perhaps you were told another lie?)

Lots of ways to go about that. Many people use AA, many people use other methods. Whatever works for you is the right way.

Keep doing it!

Threshold

Congrats on a week!

When I read your OP I thought...she's got a LOT of honesty, and realizes drinking is a choice and why she does it...in other words, you have everything it takes to quit if you make the choice to. It's all there.

The sleep issues do get better for nearly all of us. It's hard to push through that period, but it's worth it. I've heard many say it's one of the roughest parts of withdrawal. Lack of sleep does kooky things to our brains.

But it does get better and the way you feel now will dissipate as you get more sober time and learn to live free.

Stick around here, awesome community with SO much experience to share and so much encouragement!

Anna

It's very hard when we start facing life without alcohol. But, you can do it and have the chance to live the life you want and deserve.

SnoozyQ

You don't need to be afraid anymore kittiecat :-) you have found us.

We all started out like you and you will receive so much support here


CONGRATULATIONS for taking the first step xx

kittlekat

I am feeling better, more energy and clearer mind. But what comes with the clearer mind it seems I think about alcohol more. Before I just accepted it for the most part as "it is what it is"...almost a defeated state of mind. Now I know what it causes and I want to continue on the path I'm on. And to reply to nonsensical who made the comment referring to my grandchildren...I work 50 hours a week so my little saviors are not always available to enjoy. The rest of the time is nightmarish. I don't have the shakes, and it makes me wonder why. I am greatful for I only have the shakes the day after binge drinking. Today has been particularly hard (no not to rush out and have morning rum with my coffee) This alcoholic firmly believed that drinking before 6 pm was a no no. How I had that self control is beyond me! I work all day today (actually in about 45 minutes). I will close the store up and that is when the true battle begins...every single day. I think it almost easier to drink/fight/get hungover/do stupid things/is almost easier than becoming sober in a way. At least I had an excuse (I drink too much)...this past week between the battle to NOT drink and trying to figure out how to fix all the bad stuff I did. With the clearer thinking, I have to face the damage I've done because of it. That in itself is the excuse I am trying to not use to have a drink tonight. Plus I am off work tomorrow....BUT then I think....it's my only day off this week.....do I want to feel like crap all day? I know the outcome of not drinking should make any decision not to drink an easy one. But it is not. And thank you all for the congrats for my week sober. I have done this before and failed. But I won't quit trying.

lorelei

keep strong KK, we are in this together xx

Nonsensical

I think the optimist would say that even at only 1 week sober you have found something besides alcohol that gives you joy. Some might even call that a power higher than alcohol! (I'm not even a 12-stepper, but I can make that association ) Seems like a great foundation upon which to build happily ever after.

It's hard. I've lost count of my "day ones". Old habits die hard.

You can do this.

EndGameNYC

When you're attempting to get sober and there is little or no struggling, something isn't right. It's part of the deal we make.

This is a very difficult enterprise when we attempt to do it on our own, meaning, without face-to-face support. Get yourself back to AA. If nothing else, you'll have an hour or so each day when you can't drink and when your cravings may subside for that time. You might even learn something helpful, something that working and being at home rarely provides.

If you insist that AA won't work for you -- precisely what many people do before getting sober in AA -- then find a therapist. Right now, you're out in the middle of a dark ocean with your grandkids providing your only hope for making your way ashore.

When I returned after a relapse, I battled with intense cravings for about ten months, every day. The only thing that kept me going was the daily support I got from talking about it with people at meetings. I never hid my cravings, and people helped me to get through it by talking about it.

least

to SR and congrats on your week sober.

Dee74

Everyone is scared at the start I think - I know I was.

There's a ton of support here tho - you're not alone

use the support here - reach out when you're vulnerable...& if you feel you need more support why not look into things like AA or some other kind of recovery group?

You can do this
D

pattyj

I take melatonin on a regular basis. Ask your doctor about it. Mine advised me about what dose to take. It's not addictive and it is a herb. I can stop taking it anytime, and have been able to go to sleep at a reasonable time without it. But I still use it when I need to go to sleep early. It really helped during the first few months.

Dee74

It's a hormone

LiKe any supplement, it can interact with other meds and may not be suitable for everyone. If you're concerned about any aspect, by all means check with your Dr

D