endlesspatience

I first decided to get help with a drinking problem about three years ago and since then I've made enormous progress. I've had long periods of sobriety thanks to AA, professional counselling, this forum and support form friends and family.

Now I've decided to do the AA steps and work with a sponsor on this. We are now on Step Four and I am sober and keen to "work the programme", to use the AA jargon.

So, my sponsor has asked me to write down a list of resentments. At this stage he just wants me to put down names of people, institutions or principles which I resent. Just the names are fine at this stage, apparently.

At one point he said this should include "anyone whose hand you wouldn't shake".

OK, I've given this some thought and at this stage I can come up with about ten names - basically people who I love, or have loved, and have intense relationships with, including all my close family members.

Each of those relationsips contains elements of resentment combined with lots of love and appreciation.

My sponsor says he's worked with lots of sponsees and this sounds like a very incomplete list. He thinks I should be reviewing my life since infancy, seeking to remember situations where I have built up resentments.

I suppose if I think really hard I can recall people with whom I've clashed long ago - old girlfriends, a few annoying colleagues, a teacher at school. But these people are no longer alive to me emotionally in any discernible way. Perhaps the sponsor believes that despite that they could still be exerting a negative subconscious influence.

The thing is, I am not at the moment at least, at all depressed or stressed. I sleep well, I am optimistic about the future, I enjoy day to day life, I have stopped drinking, smoking tobacco and smoking pot. I'm looking after myself and I'm nurturing friendships and seeking to be of service to other people and my Higher Power.

But I have relapsed in the past and so the AA people conclude this is because I have been half hearted about doing the steps. Certainly, my sponsor seems to feel my current response to the first part of the step four assignment is insufficient.

It's not a lack of willingness on my part which is holding me back. Nor is it a refusal to face some seething under-the-surface anger - or at least I'm not conscious of it.

I'd be interested to hear of anyone else who has been through the process of exploring their resentments. Were you able to do so in a calm, logical way? What did you do to remember what happened?

Thanks in advance for your continued support.

GracieLou

Write them down.

One of the reasons we do the fourth step is not only to list resentments we have against others but also to identify our part in them.

Many times just holding a resentment again Joe Shmoe because he stole your candy in 5th grade is your part. Holding the anger about it. It may not seem like much and in some cases they are sort of silly but the point is to do a complete searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

If we leave Joe Shmoe out, are you really doing that?

I won't hurt hurt anything really and it just takes a little more time. Many of these long gone ones you can go over quickly and then spend time on the deeper ones in more detail.

endlesspatience

I can see what you mean. But you say "holding the anger about it". What if I can't feel the anger - in what sense is that a real emotion?

MIRecovery

What about institutions and principles. There is nothing in the world that pisses you off? What I found is that I had been so emotionally numb for so long that I had a hard time identifying things too. Once I stared identifying things I found out that there was a whole lot more of them than I thought. I would think about one thing which led me to another to another to another

keithj

Hi, endlesspatience. You may get better response to this in the 12 Step forum. Some other things to consider for your list. Anyone you feel better than, that you look down your nose at? Anybody you feel less than? Anybody you'd rather not bump into on the street? Is there anyone who's behavior, past or present, disturbs you. Anybody who you wished did things differently? Do you enjoy bad drivers, kids that wear their pants 1/2 way down their butts, the political party of whom you are not a member? Just some ideas to get you started.

I've sponsored lots of guys also, and the biggest hurdle to a 4th Step is an incomplete 3rd Step.

endlesspatience

That's helpful, Keith. I'll try to us that as a basis for reflection.

360shoes

Hi End,
I'm no expert but what if you just did it? I can think of a few things when I was a kid I felt resentment about then but feel pretty much over it now. 8th grade not making the cheerleading squad comes to mind.

Maybe you get something out of it just by the very act of doing something that doesn't make sense now? Maybe it's practicing reflection and putting things in perspective. Who knows?

As long as the person working with me wasn't mean or disrespectful, I'd give it a try.

I'm not an AA member but I'm all about trying new things to see if it gets me where I want to go or need to be.

Just me.

Mirage74

I started the 4th step one time and got about halfway through and relapsed. Just writing them down would make me angry. That's good you don't feel you have many. But I would go ahead and write them all down, even the minor ones. I think the idea is that your resentments paint a picture of your insecurities and defects - a theme develops which gives you better self-understanding.

This is why I have trouble commiting to the steps - 2,3, and the dreaded 4th.

endlesspatience

Mirage, yes that would make sense. It's about better self understanding I think. I've got a whole week before I meet my sponsor to discuss it, so I'll do my best to come up with a longer, more detailed list and see what his response is.

mecanix

hmm i think my list would have a lot of unnamed car drivers on it , whilst i am of course a perfect driver ! as if … and then the cyclists without lights dressed in the darkest clothing they could find in the spandex store ..

Bestwishes, m

endlesspatience

And people who hold up mobile phones at gigs. Self service check out machines at supermarkets. Ugg Boots. If I go down that path there's plenty of things I resent.

Gottalife

The business of resentment is infinitely grave, it kills a lot of alcoholics, so I don't want to make light of it at all.

My experience at 22 years working on my 4th with my sponsor's help, was that I had no resentment resembling anything described in the big book instructions. I made a couple up, just to be able to write something down!

I had many other glaring character defects though, but I did not hold grudges because I always knew I was in the wrong. Guilt, shame and remorse were the feelings occupying my mind.

When I became sober, however, I became much more closely acquanted with resentment and anger. I was very busy with step 10 for quite a while.

mecanix

I think all kinds of resentments are dangerous for alcoholics , certainly driving home from work on the streets of south london 12 miles in 2 hours is a test for anyone . learning how to ditch that resentment as i came through my front door has been crucial in me staying sober, what i say might be said in a light manner but it doesn't mean i'm not deadly serious .
cheers , m

endlesspatience

I sat down and gave this some thought last night. I can see quite a lot more resentments than I did at first although very few of them involve people with whom I have an ongoing relationship. I also think that time spent in recovery and therapy has caused a shift in my approach to other people; I'm much more patient and accepting than I used to be. That's not to say I don't want to continue with this step - I do. But fortunately at this point it's not igniting an angry internal fire.