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Sad and Tired

Old 11-14-2013, 06:20 PM
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Unhappy Sad and Tired

I am going through a lot right now. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because I am trying to better my life and he is an alcoholic. He's tried to contact me and both times I called him back his roommate said he was in the hospital-1st for cutting himself and today for not eating for 3 days and being really depressed. He tends to get depressed pretty easily and I do too so I empathize, but I got on medication and take it everyday and am graduating college next year and feel like I have my life pretty much on track and he doesn't. Some part of me feels guilty that hes suffering so much because of me. I know its not my fault, but I also know that he could feel better if I just call him and tell him I still love him. I don't want to do that though because I don't want to lead him on (I want to move on with my life) and because I want him to hit rock bottom so he will hopefully get sober and be the man hes supposed to be. Its just hard because I've always been there for him and now I'm not and hes in the hospital. Also, another added part to it is that he owes me $2000 and I called him tonight to ask him about it and that's when I found out he was in the hospital so that made me feel like a piece of crap for caring about money when hes really depressed. I guess its just really hard for me right now not only because of him but my issues with myself and the uncertainty I feel about my own talents and abilities. My identity has been tied up in him for 4 years and now I don't really know what to do with myself. I keep hearing that time heals all and I'm hoping it does.
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Old 11-14-2013, 06:25 PM
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Hi Britty. Welcome. You are wise to take care of yourself. Your ex boyfriend will more than likely be ok, but you cannot be responsible for his happiness now or ever.

Best of luck to you, sweetie.
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Old 11-14-2013, 06:30 PM
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Thank you I know that logically but getting there emotionally will probably take a while
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Old 11-14-2013, 06:32 PM
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I recently went through a similar thing. I have learned that you can only find happiness through yourself and will search forever if you try to find it in someone else. It is hard, the pain that sinks your chest in and makes it hard to breathe. I truly understand. Keep busy and treat yourself to something nice. It sounds like you deserve it. If he wants to get better he will ,if not....sucks for him. Have a great night.
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Old 11-14-2013, 06:34 PM
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Thank you for the words and its nice to know someone else relates. I will try to take care if myself and you have a great night as well
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Old 11-14-2013, 06:37 PM
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Just my opinion as a random drunk, can you wait a month or two before asking him about the money?
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Old 11-14-2013, 06:41 PM
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Yeah I was trying no contact but I called him tonight. He's in a sober living only because he got kicked out of his other house, I don't think he really wants to get sober. I know the saying "let go and let god"- I was in recovery before and know about alcoholism, but it's hard because I feel like he owes it to me, especially when I found out he recently went to the bar and bought everyone in there drinks and obviously drank a lot himself. The reality is that I probably will never see the money and I have to accept it- learn to let go, but that is the hardest thing in the world for me to do. Anyway, thanks for your input I really appreciate all input at this point.
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Old 11-14-2013, 06:57 PM
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If it were me I'd get on with my life and work on my own goals for now. You live your life and let him live his. As to the money, no, you probably won't see it. Take it as an expensive lesson in economics.
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:02 PM
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Thanks Least. I've definitely heard the expensive lesson saying before haha. Have a good night
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:07 PM
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A friend of mine once told me many many moons ago that when you are at a fork in the road, choose the hardest...the one you know you should do but don't want to really do. That simplified a lot stuff for me. Now I usually always know what I need to do and can focus on just how to do it.

I've been through a few breakups and just had one a few days ago. It never gets easier. It does however feel different the longer you have at taking care of yourself though. Still is sad. Just not as devastating.

An ending relationship feels a lot like quitting drinking to me sometimes. And I have to kind of go through the same process to make sense of it.

In the beginning I missed a drink and I missed them.
If I reminded myself what wasn't working and what wasn't good for me on both, the sad feeling would eventually pass with time...just like a craving.
If I focused on what was best for me and what was working. I actually would feel...dare I say...proud of myself and I started to feel better. I bounce back and forth on the missing them and the okay I moved on. Just the way it is at first.

I can care about someone from a distance and wish them nothing but good and still take care of me. But I have to have distance to have the room to move on.

I hope you feel good about taking care of you. Keep it up!
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:12 PM
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You are not the first woman to have a man owe her money, self-destruct himself, and those around him. I've heard many from close friends and told one myself. I recently had to file bankruptcy after a divorce that ended a 12-year marriage. My ex suffers from severe manic depression and abused steroids, which made him suffer rages (which I'm sure my drinking at the end of the marriage didn't help) Needless to say I found peace and decided the price of my serenity is worth way more than he owed me. I begged, pleaded, cried, screamed - nothing I did helped - he just had me to the point of complete hopelessness I wanted to die. Geesh I look back and I can't believe I let myself feel that way so long.

It does get better.
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