Broken
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
Broken
First let me say, I understand fixing me is the highest priority right now. Day 18 and feeling strong about what I've accomplished so far. I feel I've found a solid home group, identified a sponsor (not asked yet), and started working steps on my own. Most importantly, I'm ready, willing and open to follow this program, and do the hard work. No desire to drink, it finally scared the s@#t out of me, and cost me more than I was willing to lose (the best woman I've ever known).
19 days ago I completely lost control, got blackout drunk and acted like a total moron. No need for gory details, but my behavior was beyond ridiculous, and my GF decided she can't continue a relationship with me. She tells me her feelings have not changed, she misses me, loves me, and is very angry with me. I humbly apologized and told her I would quit drinking. She said show me, don't tell me, and is interested in seeing my progress. I send an update every night, with whatever I did that day to move forward (meeting, step work, talk to sober friends for advice, personal development, etc). She has not talked to me except an email 11 days ago, and a (non personal) text 5 days ago. And we are still connected via FB.
She is obviously done with me unless I show her a reasonable term of success, but I'm only hoping that due to her interest in my progress. She has told me I need to do this for me (I am), but her cold shoulder is so tough to deal with. Not that I expect more, I'm the one who screwed up and let her and her wonderful girls down. I don't have the words to express how angry and disappointed in myself I am for doing that.
I have given her space, send her my progress updates, and let her know I love her. I can only be patient, work hard on my recovery, and hope she gives me another chance when and if she's ready to. I broke all of our hearts and killed our dreams that night, I couldn't take doing that to them again.
Not sure I have a specific question, but any insight on her perspective, or my situation would be appreciated.
19 days ago I completely lost control, got blackout drunk and acted like a total moron. No need for gory details, but my behavior was beyond ridiculous, and my GF decided she can't continue a relationship with me. She tells me her feelings have not changed, she misses me, loves me, and is very angry with me. I humbly apologized and told her I would quit drinking. She said show me, don't tell me, and is interested in seeing my progress. I send an update every night, with whatever I did that day to move forward (meeting, step work, talk to sober friends for advice, personal development, etc). She has not talked to me except an email 11 days ago, and a (non personal) text 5 days ago. And we are still connected via FB.
She is obviously done with me unless I show her a reasonable term of success, but I'm only hoping that due to her interest in my progress. She has told me I need to do this for me (I am), but her cold shoulder is so tough to deal with. Not that I expect more, I'm the one who screwed up and let her and her wonderful girls down. I don't have the words to express how angry and disappointed in myself I am for doing that.
I have given her space, send her my progress updates, and let her know I love her. I can only be patient, work hard on my recovery, and hope she gives me another chance when and if she's ready to. I broke all of our hearts and killed our dreams that night, I couldn't take doing that to them again.
Not sure I have a specific question, but any insight on her perspective, or my situation would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Your post breaks my heart. I am so sorry this crappy disease has brought you to this point. Good to know you are your highest priority right now. Sounds like you are working in the right direction. You should be proud. As far as the GF, well she also has to be her own highest priority. Maybe some time passes, she will begin to see the positive changes in you. It will be hard, but try not to dwell on that night 19 days ago. That was your disease, that was not you. Separate yourself from your disease.
I wish you all the best. Prayers your way.
I wish you all the best. Prayers your way.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,351
19 days might seem like a long time to us - we;ve changed everything. To others it may not seem that long - the memory of what happened may still be very fresh and tender...
I know it's hard to just let go and rely on hope that things will sort themselves out, but
give it time.
She wants to be kept informed, that's a good sign - but she's right - you need to do this for you, not her...our loved ones can get really good at sensing whats genuine and what's not.
best wishes Jimmy
D
I know it's hard to just let go and rely on hope that things will sort themselves out, but
give it time.
She wants to be kept informed, that's a good sign - but she's right - you need to do this for you, not her...our loved ones can get really good at sensing whats genuine and what's not.
best wishes Jimmy
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
Originally Posted by Raider 
Your post breaks my heart. I am so sorry this crappy disease has brought you to this point. Good to know you are your highest priority right now. Sounds like you are working in the right direction. You should be proud. As far as the GF, well she also has to be her own highest priority. Maybe some time passes, she will begin to see the positive changes in you. It will be hard, but try not to dwell on that night 19 days ago. That was your disease, that was not you. Separate yourself from your disease.
I wish you all the best. Prayers your way.
I wish you all the best. Prayers your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
Originally Posted by Dee74
19 days might seem like a long time to us - we;ve changed everything. To others it may not seem that long - the memory of what happened may still be very fresh and tender...
I know it's hard to just let go and rely on hope that things will sort themselves out, but
give it time.
She wants to be kept informed, that's a good sign - but she's right - you need to do this for you, not her...our loved ones can get really good at sensing whats genuine and what's not.
best wishes Jimmy
D
I know it's hard to just let go and rely on hope that things will sort themselves out, but
give it time.
She wants to be kept informed, that's a good sign - but she's right - you need to do this for you, not her...our loved ones can get really good at sensing whats genuine and what's not.
best wishes Jimmy
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Jimmy, welcome to SR. Focus on sober you, and maybe email her once a week. Hang on loosely. Post here, read, do meetings. I recommend you set your OWN goal about allowing yourself to get back together with her after you've remained sober X days. And when you come up with that number for yourself, Jimmy, make sure it hurts. If your sobriety for you and your relationship with her is worth it, that number that hurts will be worth it.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Welcome to SR and congrats on 18 days!
I agree with some of the others, it is just going to take time. It took me a good 5 months of not drinkign and working on myself for my daughter to have a bit of faith in me again. And it is important that you really focus on you and your recovery at this point.
Nothing or no one is more important than my sobriety. Because if I don't have that, I will have nothing. That is why it is important to focus on you.
I agree with some of the others, it is just going to take time. It took me a good 5 months of not drinkign and working on myself for my daughter to have a bit of faith in me again. And it is important that you really focus on you and your recovery at this point.
Nothing or no one is more important than my sobriety. Because if I don't have that, I will have nothing. That is why it is important to focus on you
.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
I would leave her alone for awhile.
Go silent for a few months and focus on you and living a sober life. After some time, I'd send a friendly text and see if something can be repaired between the two of you.
Go silent for a few months and focus on you and living a sober life. After some time, I'd send a friendly text and see if something can be repaired between the two of you.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
My relationship did not get revisited for repairs until I was 9 months clean (and some others, like my parents, was 1 year). I had to SHOW that I was getting better and having a personality change. No one was going to touch me with a 10-foot pole until then.
Keep working on sobriety and everything else will work itself out.
Keep working on sobriety and everything else will work itself out.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
I'm glad you're doing well.
I agree that you should not email her daily. Do focus on yourself and your recovery. The fact is that you have no control over your girlfriend's choices, and hopefully things will work out, but if they don't, you still need to stay sober.
I hope you continue to read and post.
I agree that you should not email her daily. Do focus on yourself and your recovery. The fact is that you have no control over your girlfriend's choices, and hopefully things will work out, but if they don't, you still need to stay sober.
I hope you continue to read and post.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
NoJimmy get a sponsor. You are like a missile right now in early sobriety without any guidance. You want a coach to help you throu and by all means understand he steps as you go through them, so you don't do more damage to yourself or others.
Pity is never becoming in a relationship and you don't want her to feel this way towards you. If it were me, I would kill the daily updates, go quite and really work on you. Use the negative energy ypand remorse to gain ground. Learn about yourself and become a better person. Later I am guessing she will find you even more attractive and rekindle what you once had. Tough advice to follow I know bc I have been there but it's the only way.
Pity is never becoming in a relationship and you don't want her to feel this way towards you. If it were me, I would kill the daily updates, go quite and really work on you. Use the negative energy ypand remorse to gain ground. Learn about yourself and become a better person. Later I am guessing she will find you even more attractive and rekindle what you once had. Tough advice to follow I know bc I have been there but it's the only way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
I don't agree with every point, but I see the popular opinion is step away. I'll have to wrap my brain around that. So hard to let go, even though I have so very little to hang onto. Whatever happens would be at her pace, but I need to feel confident with my own house as well. Which regardless of my struggle surrounding GF, I have been working very hard at.
I can only move forward from where I am, but I feel so damn stupid for not seeing the smaller alcohol problems that existed before that terrible night. Seems so obvious looking back with my current perspective.
I can only move forward from where I am, but I feel so damn stupid for not seeing the smaller alcohol problems that existed before that terrible night. Seems so obvious looking back with my current perspective.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by NoJimmy
I don't agree with every point, but I see the popular opinion is step away. I'll have to wrap my brain around that. So hard to let go, even though I have so very little to hang onto. Whatever happens would be at her pace, but I need to feel confident with my own house as well. Which regardless of my struggle surrounding GF, I have been working very hard at.
I can only move forward from where I am, but I feel so damn stupid for not seeing the smaller alcohol problems that existed before that terrible night. Seems so obvious looking back with my current perspective.
I can only move forward from where I am, but I feel so damn stupid for not seeing the smaller alcohol problems that existed before that terrible night. Seems so obvious looking back with my current perspective.
Lock your hands behind your head, and step away from the girlfriend.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
One of the worst things I experienced about alcoholism is how much it controlled my life. I obsessed about it. And obsessing is not good. After a few months of sobriety, I am finding that I am more in control of what happens in my life.
Losing someone you love is as emotionally painful as anything I can think of. But, as an alcoholic, I think it is dangerous to let your emotions, and your happiness, be controlled by whether a loved one decides, or decides not to, come back.
At this early stage in your sobriety, it seems to me that you want to focus on REGAINING control of your life. That means that your sobriety should be your only concern. Worrying about whether she will come back, since you have no control over that, will only interfere with your focus on sobriety, IMHO.
Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.
Losing someone you love is as emotionally painful as anything I can think of. But, as an alcoholic, I think it is dangerous to let your emotions, and your happiness, be controlled by whether a loved one decides, or decides not to, come back.
At this early stage in your sobriety, it seems to me that you want to focus on REGAINING control of your life. That means that your sobriety should be your only concern. Worrying about whether she will come back, since you have no control over that, will only interfere with your focus on sobriety, IMHO.
Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,351
So hard to let go, even though I have so very little to hang onto.
Recovery is a personal journey like no other.
Your girlfriend will either go, or stay. That's her choice - you can't control her choice.
Work on yourself - focus on improving you. You'll be surprised how many other facets of your life will fall into place after that.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
Yes, recovery is up to you and not dependent on her.
I was in a similar situation (in GF's position) and I found the constant calls (updates) felt
kind of like emotional blackmail to me. Like the person was trying to control my emotions from a distance: "See, I'm not drinking, see, I miss you, see, I'm doing my best"
I'm not trying to say that is what you are doing or what you mean by daily updates, but
I can say that might be how it feels on the other end.
If it does, you may have the opposite result that you want, especially if there has been a very negative event and she has children to consider. It may feel clingy and unsafe though of course that is not your intention.
I'm really glad you are dealing with the situation by quitting and getting treatment, and I wish you the best outcome. You must recover for yourself, and as Dee says, your girlfriend may go or stay and you cannot control that. I know it is hard but hang in there.
I just thought it might be useful to have a possible perspective from GF's point of view.
I was in a similar situation (in GF's position) and I found the constant calls (updates) felt
kind of like emotional blackmail to me. Like the person was trying to control my emotions from a distance: "See, I'm not drinking, see, I miss you, see, I'm doing my best"
I'm not trying to say that is what you are doing or what you mean by daily updates, but
I can say that might be how it feels on the other end.
If it does, you may have the opposite result that you want, especially if there has been a very negative event and she has children to consider. It may feel clingy and unsafe though of course that is not your intention.
I'm really glad you are dealing with the situation by quitting and getting treatment, and I wish you the best outcome. You must recover for yourself, and as Dee says, your girlfriend may go or stay and you cannot control that. I know it is hard but hang in there.
I just thought it might be useful to have a possible perspective from GF's point of view.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Yes, recovery is up to you and not dependent on her.
I was in a similar situation (in GF's position) and I found the constant calls (updates) felt
kind of like emotional blackmail to me. Like the person was trying to control my emotions from a distance: "See, I'm not drinking, see, I miss you, see, I'm doing my best"
I'm not trying to say that is what you are doing or what you mean by daily updates, but
I can say that might be how it feels on the other end. If it does, you may have the opposite result that you want, especially if there has been a very negative event and she has a child to consider. It may feel clingy and unsafe though of course that is not your intention.
I'm really glad you are dealing with the situation by quitting and getting treatment, and I wish you the best outcome. You must recover for yourself, and as Dee says, your girlfriend may go or stay and you cannot control that. I know it is hard but hang in there.
I just thought you might want a possible perspective from GF's point of view.
I was in a similar situation (in GF's position) and I found the constant calls (updates) felt
kind of like emotional blackmail to me. Like the person was trying to control my emotions from a distance: "See, I'm not drinking, see, I miss you, see, I'm doing my best"
I'm not trying to say that is what you are doing or what you mean by daily updates, but
I can say that might be how it feels on the other end. If it does, you may have the opposite result that you want, especially if there has been a very negative event and she has a child to consider. It may feel clingy and unsafe though of course that is not your intention.
I'm really glad you are dealing with the situation by quitting and getting treatment, and I wish you the best outcome. You must recover for yourself, and as Dee says, your girlfriend may go or stay and you cannot control that. I know it is hard but hang in there.
I just thought you might want a possible perspective from GF's point of view.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
NoJimmy, you are absolutely NOT wrong all around. If you are sober and staying that way you are oh so very right, we just all want you to have sobriety AND regain your girlfriend in the end, but not tie those issues together inextricably. Everybody here is pulling FOR you, not agin you.
You've done wrong, you've admitted that, big steps. I have no idea if your girlfriend asked for daily updates, maybe she did, but even if so I don't think you should be that accountable to her...
I wish you well
I chose not to drink today (and that was damn hard this particular day)
FG
You've done wrong, you've admitted that, big steps. I have no idea if your girlfriend asked for daily updates, maybe she did, but even if so I don't think you should be that accountable to her...
I wish you well
I chose not to drink today (and that was damn hard this particular day)
FG
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
