InsaneHeart

I am 53 days sober.

I am feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. A "what's the point" kind of mentality has taken over my thoughts lately. Not about sobriety, but about life in general. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I really just feel hopeless. I mean we all die...everything we accomplish will be forgotten and memories of us will fade into obscurity eventually. I feel like I'll never do anything meaningful, that I'm just trudging along waiting for the inevitable end.

I've had these episodes in the past, and was always able to drown them out with alcohol until they subsided. I am not doing that now, and I'm having a hard time dealing with them. I'm medicated, but I don't know, maybe not enough? These thoughts are really exhausting.

I'm just ranting I guess, thanks for listening.

Bubovski

Down the track, when you feel a bit better you may accomplish something really meaningful.
53 days sober is an accomplishment in its self.

At best the booze only offers ultra dangerous and very limited respite....

wehav2day

53 days sober is a huge accomplishment! Your life is always meaningful. You posted your feelings here today. That action alone will likely help someone. As you get more time, you will feel better. If you feel perhaps your meds need adjusting, by all means see your do for.

Not sure if you are an aa'er, but one of their promises really stuck with me. "The feelings of uselessness And self pity will slip away." Hopelessness too.

You can do this!

wehav2day

Oops doctor. Autocorrect...

ZeldaFan

Your brain and body chemistry is still readjusting itself. How long that takes varies from person to person. If you are on medications, you may need an adjustment to get things balanced out correctly. I know it stinks to hear but give it time and check with your doctor about your emotional distress.

EndGameNYC

You're having an existential moment; a boundary situation.

There are few things more meaningful in life than choosing to live instead of choosing to die.

'Meaningful' and 'happy' are two very different things. For a time, drinking made me happy; and I continued to drink long after it only caused problems for me. Parents find meaning in sacrificing for the well being of their children, but they're not always happy about it.

We're so used to getting instant gratification from drinking...it drowns our unwanted feelings and takes our very reason for being with it.

Sometimes, in order for us to discover what's meaningful for us in life, we have to wait, we have to work at living, and then we have to be prepared when what gets us out of bed in the morning is staring us in the face.

For me, sobriety meant making a commitment not to drink at any cost and, perhaps more importantly, making a leap of faith that there was a better way for me.

You might ask yourself, is it truth you want, or believing?

Dee74

53 days is great - but it's just the start - not the end....

when I felt discouraged I remembered what peopel said to me - it's not always this hard, it will get easier and it does get better....

they were right...stick with it InsaneHeart

D

Charliee

Insaneheart, I know exactly how you are feeling, I have felt that way many times and kinda feeling that way now. I am often trying to figure out what the point of it all is. It's exhausting and depressing I know, but it always seems that tomorrow or next week we find things get better. For myself I find volunteering very helpful, as well as this site. Keep sober and keep your chin up. Hugs

DoubleDragons

Sometimes I think we just stay "in our heads" too much, especially when working on our problems with alcohol because those are "all in the head." Our quick escape "out of our heads" used to be alcohol, so we have to learn new tricks: Meditation, yoga, light reading, sit coms, talking to a chatty, funny friend, prayer, volunteering, start parenting ourselves in the most nurturing ways by preparing excellent meals, getting plenty of rest and avoiding toxic people, doing busy work such as cleaning out closets and drawers. Less pondering, more doing . . . . . and then those empty feelings have a way of passing.

ChrisBen

Hang in there. Hoplessness is at the bottom of a bottle. You are sober and that is fantastic! I drank to get away from feelings like this too, but while it brought temporary relief, it also brought a ton of other issues. Congratulations on 53 days sober. Stay strong.

jdooner

Insaneheart congrat on 53 days. I too went through some weird feelings around that time too. It's normal. Sobriety and recovery does not mean everything is better, it just means we are no longer seeing through a fog and can make real choices vs being powerless over the booze and our lives. There are three tenants to AA with one being service. Volunteering, working with others to help and spread your message wil be key to long term successful recovery. This includes posting on SR. Who knows how many people this might touch and help, just sharing you honest feelings and experiences.

I have found sobriety for me was just the beginning. Self discovery is so interesting and developing real relationships and fixing the wrongs I have done in the past is allowing me to grow. I have let go in my second month and this has allowed a peace that is wonderful and easier to deal with the things I can and not worry about the things I cannot affect.

A couple books that are helping me: AA big Book, AA Twelve Steps Twelve Traditions, Living Sober, The Power of Now, In the realm of Hungry Ghosts.

WhoDey

EndGame, great points.

InsaneHeart, you mentioned that you've had these types of feelings before, so you know they will pass. I'm not saying there isn't some 'work' that could be done, but be patient and gentle with yourself.

Also, I suspect you also know that, as others have mentioned, in the past alcohol provided, at best, temporary relief from these feelings. You're now having to address them straight up and can't avoid them via alcohol.

I went through a dark period years ago when I had very similar feelings. Odd as it may seem, what helped me was to stop fighting the feelings. Instead of trying to force myself to feel better, I accepted that I was in a low spot and that there were reasons for feeling the way I did. Once I did that, I could start to move forward. I got outside myself via volunteering. Slowly the fog lifted.

I'm glad you posted. Be gentle with yourself.

Anna

When I stopped drinking, I was completely lost. I knew I needed to find a purpose in life, my purpose in life, or recovery was not going to work.

"The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav led me through a process of learning to listen to the quiet voice of my soul for direction.

EndGameNYC

I agree. When I first got sober thirty years ago, I was the Tasmanian Devil of activity. Things I never did, things that were completely new to me, and things that helped me stay sober. I made myself so busy that the sober days just flew by. I wanted to try everything. And there are still things on that list that I've yet to do.

Following my three-year relapse, I was, of course, much older, but I rarely turned down an event or activity that would help me stay active. Also, my love of reading got me through to a great extent. I was at the library every week, and rarely without a book in my travels. Not recovery books, but stuff that interested me and that I never would have read while I was drinking.

If I'm sitting at home doing nothing, alone or with others, the chances of my drinking rise dramatically.

Bilr44

InsaneHeart,

I know what you are feeling about not doing anything meaningful. I used to drown all this out while drinking and then wake up at 3:00 am full of anxiety. Each days purpose was stressing out about that nights drinking, and the fact that it couldn't come soon enough. I think you are being tough on yourself and still adjusting to sobriety. I think a lot of us question the meaning of life at times. But it's better to face it, and maybe come up with some solutions, rather than repress it in a drunken state. I for one do no miss the anxiety and guilt that comes with drinking.

WhoDey

InsaneHeart ... I've been thinking about your post. I'm only 23 days into sobriety, but I am feeling a bit of what you described. Even if we didn't use alcohol as a way to quiet the voices in our head, when we cut out alcohol from our lives there is a large void that needs to be filled. I'm feeling that now. I'm being patient with myself, but there is no doubt that I need a new focus. Scarey how much of our energy and passion was taken up by drinking.

I do have "what's the point of it all" thoughts from time to time. I'm 53 and this type of thinking is taking on an increased urgency! While such thoughts can lead to feelings of hopelessness, they can also be inspiring. If we accept our finite existence (at least in this form depending on your beliefs), it should free us to be what we want to be. I hope that makes sense.

Let us know how you're doing.

EndGameNYC

There is no guarantee of a good life by persevering during difficult times. And yet there is no better way to get there.

InsaneHeart

Thanks for your replies everyone. I started reading The Power of Now and I am going to start practicing Tolle's techniques. I know my own mind is my worst enemy, and I have to fix that.

Cynderino

Hugs to you, InsaneHeart!

sicknote

Wow!! InsaneHeart! Thank you so much for sharing your situation with us. I'm feeling really low also. Very depressed.

InsaneHeart, have you thought of exercise? It releases endorphins and makes you feel better? That's something I'm going to try soon

I'd say get active as much as possible, whatever that means, could be reading, yogo, classes, whatever, but try to interact with sober people. I've recently been researching ideas for activities I could get involved in. Well, that's as far as I've got, I've not actually tried anything yet, just thought about it, which is probably why I feel crap. So I guess my suggestion to you is, look for some things you'd like to do, and do them.

Massive hugs to you! Your doing really well!


EndGameNYC - interesting to hear you was the 'Tasmanian Devil of activity'! ha! that's a really good! I also went a big crazy with activity a while ago It's good to get active!