anotherbassist

Literately. If I keep doing this I know it isn't going to end well.

I'll just give the run down. This is going to be long winded though...

I'm on Day 3 of cutting alcohol out of my life. Oddly, I'm not experiencing significant withdrawal symptoms other than insomnia and wicked depression (which I was depressed before, hence the drinking, but it's notably worse). This is not my first attempt to stop drinking or my first bout with addiction (I'm two and half years clean of heroin/opiates). I'm scared that I may have already pushed my body too far (which I'll explain down the line), the issue is part of me doesn't want to die and the other half of me doesn't care. I figure being a part of this community will help keep my mind in the place it needs to be in case I have any doubts about about this. It can't hurt.

I'm young (22). I used opiates for years in tandem with an injury I suffered when I was 13. At first I wasn't abusing them. They came with the surgeries. As a matter of fact, I didn't start "using" opiates until I was probably 15-16. Fast forward, I decided I had enough. I started drinking shortly thereafter. Prior to that I hardly drank. I'd occasionally sneak a bottle of liquor and polish it off over time or have beers with friends but it wasn't common.

When I started drinking heavily I went way overboard. I wasn't drinking everyday because I couldn't afford it, but when I was drinking I'd put away a whole 750ml bottle of bourbon by myself over the course of a night. I did this constantly on and off since then. I had a couple lulls that lasted weeks (and one that lasted a couple months) but I always gave in and drank again. Over the last few weeks I've had symptoms show up that worry me though. I can't really pin point when they exactly began because I didn't put two and two together (I've been having a lot of problems with depression, unemployment, all that - like I mentioned).

There's no jaundice, but definite tenderness on the right side (and on the back left side), some red discoloration on my knuckles and elbows, flush face, some hair loss (not sure if related to this or not - kinda hope it is and will fix itself because I love my hair), fatigue (I've been sleeping 12-15 hours a day - at least until I quit drinking), slight strange taste in my mouth (which oddly, as I type this - seems to have gone away), really bad acid flux, and a white/red overlay to my nails.

The good thing is, in just three days the pain is noticeably less intense (it was enough to mess with concentration at first - now it's not even there. When it is, it's faint), and I do genuinely feel better to an extent.

Now, I'm going to go to the doctor. That's already in stone. I've had a couple "pain on the right side of the abdomen" scares over the last couple years and my doctor has had me tested and checked out. All three times my blood work and everything, according to him, was fine. Still, I don't want to risk it if I have any intention of staying sober.

I'm just tired of being broke, feeling controlled, and now, being scared. So, here I am - hopefully sticking to it.

--

Oh, and sorry for the novel haha.

jazzfish

Welcome! I am a former bassist. I was just reading through an old journal entry I wrote when I was 24 years old. I was thinking my life would be better off without alcohol, as I was scared, my life was a mess, and I had no control of my life. That was in 1991. I spent the next 22 years in denial and still chasing (or numbing) some elusive thing. It didn't get better and I wish I had clung to what I saw even back then.

One thing I have found, though, is that my feelings of not caring were really just being numb. If I hadn't cared, then I wouldn't have been struggling toward sobriety.

Lots of support here. Grab on and find the life you deserve.

VOisEvil

I doubt there is anyone her that can't relate to your post. I pray that you really have had enough and can stick by your guns and quit this aweful addiction.

Please hang in there, so much support is yours for the taking, like SR and AA...like Nike says "just do it".

The body has a way to heal its self. I've decided to wait 30 to 40 days before seeing my doctor for a check-up and blood work. I want my results to reflect results that are from my, SOMEWHAT, normal body!

me

22NGONE

Well the good news is you're 22 so you can enjoy sobriety a lot longer than a lot of us. I recommend reading the A.A. Big Book and attending some meetings when you are ready. Remember to take each day one at a time and don't take the first drink and you'll never get drunk! Good luck!

ScottFromWI

Welcome. Your story is a familiar one, and many here understand your dilemma - you are definitely not alone. Being sober is not an instant fix to all of your problems, and obviously it's not all happy puppies and flowers, especially during the initial withdrawals. But it is a one way ticket to give you the chance for a better life. All of the battles you will face with your depression, health, job, family, etc are easier to fight sober.

I wish you the best of luck in making this time stick, please read lots here at SR and ask lots of questions. You may want to consider a formal sobriety plan as well if you've had difficulty maintaining sobriety on your own.

resolute50

Welcome to SR.
So glad you decided to call it quits with alcohol.

Those pains are your body telling you it's being hurt.
It's time to listen to it and do what's right.

anotherbassist

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome and support.

Having another day to reflect on it, I think I really am ready and serious enough to make it work this time. I feel better today than I did before, and I feel that tomorrow will be even better.

The lack of sleep is an issue, but it'll return to normal eventually. I'm definitely going to check into other information here on the forum and make the best of this.

Thanks again!

instant

welcome - there is no future in drinking- great decision

least

to SR!

tate9685

I agree that the side of you that cares is screaming right now and trying to survive. Your addictive voice is trying its best to stay alive and doesn't care if you live or die, or live a miserable life. I hope that you realize that you are Not your addiction. You can claim your life back and tame the beast. Best of luck and a warm welcome to Sober Recovery.

Mountainmanbob

I was known back in my drinking and using days
to be one that burnt the candle at both ends
I have some long term damage from that

your list of symptoms tells a story I think
it truly is time to stop
if you wish to enjoy a normal life

you can do it if you are willing and make a decision

MM

anotherbassist

Well, I'm still sober.

Though tonight is a rough one, I'll pull through.

Thankfully my symptoms (particularly the redness on the hands and face) are starting to mild out.