jakec

It started on Friday.. I had 28 days clean and I was staying at my Aunt's house for the day and going to an NA meeting that night. I took her bike for a ride at some point and prior to this I was calling my sponsor every day and calling other recovering addicts whenever I was craving or feeling screwed up. But this time without giving it a second thought I rode that bike to the pharmacy and got a box of Cough & Cold pills and took all 16 of them.. Fast forward to that night... I got to the meeting, fried as hell, and I was overwhelmed with guilt..and nausea. As soon as my sponsor came up and asked how I was doing I said "Tom, I'm high.".. We talked and I dont really remember much of our conversation but afterwards I sat outside the meeting in the cold for the rest of the meeting because I was too ashamed to go back in.

The next day, I was still in "using mode" and I was off to the races.. I stole $50 from my Aunt and that night I bought 2.5 30mg Oxycontins. I'm not going to lie, the high felt great in the moment, but after I had to leave my friends house and was walking around in the rain and cold at 1 AM it was NOT so much fun.. I also scored some amphetamines and took those when I left too along with my last Oxy 30, I hoped maybe I'd get lucky and the combination of the two would kill me and then I wouldn't have to deal with the daily obsession and compulsion. But no, I continued freezing my ass in the cold with a headache until 6 AM until I finally went home.

When I got home I projectile vommited everywhere and litteraly just sat there still, staring at the clock for two straight hours.. motionless, emotionless, empty, vaccent, until finally the dam broke and I fell on the floor and burst into tears, hyperventilating, wanting to die, trying to catch my breath, hitting my self in the head over and over again because I thought I deserved to be punished.
I never, EVER, want to feel like that again. I wouldn't wish that feeling upon my worst enemy, I felt that horrible.

I went to a meeting that morning and told everyone what was up and of course I was welcomed back with open arms and love and acceptance. They told me to keep coming back and that they beleived in me. It made me feel a little better.

So it's been a struggle trying to get my mindset out of "relapse/using mode" but I've been still going to meetings and talking to my sponsor daily. The desire to use is SO strong I can't believe it, but I must stay strong.

Thanks for reading.

(sorry for the super long post I just have a lot on my mind.)

ScottFromWI

You don't have to. You chose to feel that way voluntarily, and you can choose to not feel that way again, but it's 100% up to you. Perhaps increasing the frequency of your meetings and posting/reading here when you have urges could help? Or calling your numbers?

least

I hope this is your last Day One.

wiscsober

Today is the best day to start ...

MeSoSober2

Proud of you. Keep on keeping on. It will be so worth it.

deeker

Welcome back, you have helped me today. Thank You

chaili05

Definitely! Also, you already did one of the most difficult parts-- you went back to AA, admitted your faults and were welcomed back.

You can do this and never have to feel the way you're feeling right now ever again!

ZeldaFan

Thank you so much for such an open and honest share. The last time I slipped and drank for two days straight, I felt the worst anxiety I have felt in a long time the entire next day. I kept telling myself the entire day not to forget that feeling so I could call on that memory the next time the urge hit. It's still a daily struggle but remembering that horrible feeling helps keep me from repeating it.

Hevyn

Hi Jake. Sometimes we need further proof. I sure did. I had to go through terror and panic before I found the determination to quit. Never forget how miserable you felt and vow to never go back there again. We are with you and we know you can do this.

tabasco

This what non addicts don't understand, why would you desire to go through 100 times the pain of the high for the high. Does it say on the box, a little high followed by cold and projectile vomiting and guilt and shame and felling as s.it as you've ever felt and eventually will it kill you?
No it doesn't, that's what they don't understand, you are willing to pay the price for that momentary high. But one day, the price is too high, I hope that day has arrived for you and I.
I wish you all the best wishes I possibly can.

jakec

Thank you all for the feedback! I plan on calling even more people even though it may be uncomfortable at first. I'm just hoping this feeling goes away, like I was sitting in a meeting yesterday and my AV/disease was saying "This is all ********, I hate meetings, these people are annoying..." yet I don't hear that part of me that still wants to recover.. I just want get away from this constant negativity.

FourSeasons

Hey Jake! Glad you are back on Day 1. I hope the above is your ENOUGH moment. You never have to feel that way again. You have the power!

Anna

Your AV is hopeful that it's got you, that's why it's so loud right now. Ignore it, and it will slow down and eventually stop.

I'm glad you're back!

YoungAndClean

Yeah jake it is a struggle. I can relate as Oxy is my drug of choice, and I use to Robo-trip back in the day. I had to be getting high or striving to get high otherwise I was bored, depressed, anxious, angry, and batsh!t crazy climbing up the walls wishing I was high. It's a full-time job, and there are some very good moments euphoria but as you have learned it comes with some pretty craptastic symptoms: incomprehensible demoralization, stealing, guilt, shame, crying, fiending.

The important thing to know is that there IS A SOLUTION. There is A BETTER way for you to live Jake. Keep going to NA, the better life is yours for the taking.

jakec

Thanks guys.

I went to my homegroup today and, ugh, I just love my homegroup, theres a feeling of hope there that I dont feel at any other meeting, and there's a lot of kids my age there (17, 18, 19, etc.).. I actually got a NEW sponsor tonight at the meeting because the people there believe that jumping into the step work right away is the key, and it shows with their clean time and they actually seem really happy. My old sponsor is more old school and is more slower-paced with the steps, and my gut tells me that this is the right move.

Coldfusion

It's good to hear from you--sorry that you had some tough times.

Remember that you can come here any time you feel cravings.