No relief in sight...
 

Hi SR, I am new to this site with 6 months sober (second bout of sobriety, first time with following AA lifestyle tho), I am an alcoholic and a love addict. I am 31 years old, have a wonderful husband who supports me in every way with my recovery, I have a sponsor, a sober network of friends, and meetings I attend about 3-4 times a week. And I just quit smoking 15 days ago. I get on my knees twice a day and ask God to guide my thoughts and actions, and to please help me find some relief. I ask him to make me a better wife, and to help another alcoholic that day. I have been faking it till I make with the higher power connection, as its a new concept to me.. to not be in control of my own life. But i'm willing to try anything!

I am struggling however...

When I was drinking in the past I realize that I was drowning my emotions, and just covering my emotions with alcohol...(except anger, that one always came out) I am a horse back rider, i own my horse, and used to take 1-2 lessons a week and ride 5 days a week. Now that I am sober, I can't ride. I can't do ANYTHING right with riding, or with the horse. I cry most times that I try and ride w/o an instructor telling me what to do. Or even with an instructor... it doesn't seem to matter. I have lost ALL confidence in myself. This used to be the ONLY place in the world that was safe for me, that the problems of the world would go away... And now its tainted. If anyone can understand what I'm talking about, and has any advice, I am willing to listen.

Recovery is making me face all the emotions i've drowned for the last 11 years... and I hate it right now. I love how it has positively affected other areas of my life (relationship with my husband, given me back my confidence, understanding my addictions), but the one thing that used to make me happiest, is making me miserable... and I feel like i'm beating my head against a brick wall, trying to make it better.

help!

thank you in advance

Welcome to SR tobiano.

Concrats with the 6 months sober, you are ahead of me there.

I think many of us numbed our self with alcohol and need to face some feelings afterwards.

I am not sure what to say with your problems with horses, that is a little strange that it is stopped working when you got sober.

Are you reacting or is the horse reacting strangely to you?

Can you hook up with a counselor? I had a counselor, years ago, who told me that if I did not deal with my feelings, I would just be a "dry drunk". I can't remember all the specifics.

When you come awake, finally, feelings can be so hard. It might help to see a psychologist - root out what it is that's bothering you. ((hugs))

I do see a therapist, once a week, and do group therapy once a week too. :( I did the dry drunk thing before for 9 months... wasn't in AA and trust me, that was HORRIBLE. I'm so glad to be in the program now. And its me reacting being upset about how weird riding is for me now, and the horse reacts to that. an endless loop!

I don't have any advice for you but I can completely relate; I'm finding it hard to find real joy in anything and I'm nearly 10 months sober and am sponsored through AA.

I have a long standing friend who happens to be a psychologist and loves horse riding and she gets a private lesson every week to help build up her confidence and ability (she posts pics on FB all the time of her and 'her' horse) - she has ridden for 20 + years but still takes lessons - maybe this would help you? i.e. start from scratch and do all the basic things all over again? Keep us posted :-)

Feeling, after not feeling for so long, can really hurt.... but it is important to experience our feelings in order to learn how to live soberly. I don't know much about riding horses... but I doubt you can't do ANYTHING right... I suggest finding something small that you can do correctly with your horse and then build on that. Don't think about what you used to be able to do but can't... think of yourself as reborn (as you are) and learning for the first time. Hope this helps in some small way.

:welcome to SR! I'm glad you've joined us. :hug:

welcome Tobiano :)

are you doing the steps in AA? That might be another way - besides counselling - to get at the underlying fears and crisis of confidence you seem to have right now?

Support helps too - and you'll find a lot of that here :)

D

Hi Dee74, thank you for the welcome, i am already feeling better reading these responses. :) Its so nice to talk to people who truly know what i'm going through, whether its related to horses or not.. its recovery underneath it all!

I am going through the big book with my sponsor, at what i feel is a snails pace.. only meeting once a week, with a group of girls.. and we have'nt gotten to the steps yet. She keeps talking about the 4th step, where i'll get some relief.. but at this pace, we are MONTHS away from that.

I completely with agree with what you said 22NGone, "Don't think about what you used to be able to do but can't... " I am totally doing that. I have 2.5 years with this horse, and now it feels like I've never been on a horse in my life. I feel like an alien up there. We just aren't speaking the same language.. Its horrible, and I get SO mad.. b/c where did it all go??

Would it work to accept that you are a new person and need to establish relationship with that horse all over again.

Strange this is happening, be patient with it and work through it.