Marriage and Quitting problems
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 13
Marriage and Quitting problems
It seems to me that my husband and I have drank together and I have always been the heavier drinker. Now that I want to quit he tells me I'm not an alcoholic and don't need to. This isn't true. I'm a problem drinker and want to stop. Does anyone else have a spouse that may subconsciously need you to be the heavier drinker so they can deny their own problem? He's been more angry and judgemental towards me. Sometimes mean. Easy to pick a flaw out of me.. Anyone?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Lynnwood WA
Posts: 424
My partner wanted me to go back to drinking because he could handle that better then me being sober and actually dealing with my issues. I think that is common. It sucks but stick it out. I am now 7 months sober and while sobriety really sucks some days it has made me a much better person and it is really making us discuss our relationship and see if it will actually work without alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 16
Hi Good! My husband encouraged my alcohol consumption for 25 years, although, like you, I was the heavier drinker. In August, he suddenly decided to quit - he wasn't dependent like I am (although in younger days, he drank more than I). He kept bringing the beer and wine home for me, anyway.
He went out of town this weekend, so I sucked it up and decided I'd quit. I'm having problems with it, but expect them.
He has this attitude that he doesn't care if I drink myself to death. I guess it's worse when they want to keep you as a drinking buddy. It's pretty hurtful, however, when your husband doesn't seem to give a ****.
He went out of town this weekend, so I sucked it up and decided I'd quit. I'm having problems with it, but expect them.
He has this attitude that he doesn't care if I drink myself to death. I guess it's worse when they want to keep you as a drinking buddy. It's pretty hurtful, however, when your husband doesn't seem to give a ****.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Sometimes we just don't get the support we need from loved ones - but thats ok - thats why places like SR exist.
You know this is a good move for you - stick with it. Your husband will have to work through his own issues. I hope his anger and his jibes subside soon.
D
You know this is a good move for you - stick with it. Your husband will have to work through his own issues. I hope his anger and his jibes subside soon.
D
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Originally Posted by Goodtry0107 
It seems to me that my husband and I have drank together and I have always been the heavier drinker. Now that I want to quit he tells me I'm not an alcoholic and don't need to. This isn't true. I'm a problem drinker and want to stop. Does anyone else have a spouse that may subconsciously need you to be the heavier drinker so they can deny their own problem? He's been more angry and judgemental towards me. Sometimes mean. Easy to pick a flaw out of me.. Anyone?
Interestingly, he got sober 18 months after I did. When he couldn't look at me or blame me for everything anymore. Next anniversary will be 16 years of marriage and it's been amazing since we both got sober (I have almost 5 years and dh almost 3).
I was told some gems that helped in the interim:
1. Give time, time.
2. Worry about YOUR side of the street.
3. It is what it is, just keep sobriety front and center and the rest will work itself out.
Glad you are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by mfanch
I was the heavier drinker, too. I didn't discuss quitting. I just did it. He did all sorts of antics after that. His favorite was "I didn't sign up for this sh*t" and "you're not an alcoholic, just deal with your other issues". etc
Interestingly, he got sober 18 months after I did. When he couldn't look at me or blame me for everything anymore. Next anniversary will be 16 years of marriage and it's been amazing since we both got sober (I have almost 5 years and dh almost 3).
I was told some gems that helped in the interim:
1. Give time, time.
2. Worry about YOUR side of the street.
3. It is what it is, just keep sobriety front and center and the rest will work itself out.
Glad you are here.
Interestingly, he got sober 18 months after I did. When he couldn't look at me or blame me for everything anymore. Next anniversary will be 16 years of marriage and it's been amazing since we both got sober (I have almost 5 years and dh almost 3).
I was told some gems that helped in the interim:
1. Give time, time.
2. Worry about YOUR side of the street.
3. It is what it is, just keep sobriety front and center and the rest will work itself out.
Glad you are here.
Yes! Totally taking my own inventory. Even if he gets hammered, that's his choice and has zero to do with me. If he doesn't, and blames me for a lack of fun, that's also not my thing. If I'm going to be in a good relationship I have to help me first. Like the oxygen instructions on the plane rides! I think I will be a-ok.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
I've definitely been there. You are not alone. It's really hard and on my first attempt I just found it too hard with him pretty much sabotaging me. Another almost two years of drinking scared him enough to just keep his mouth shut, do his own thing, and let me be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 15
Im in the exact situation!! My husband is an alcoholic in denial. He pressures me to drink but I've finally taken a stand. I now refuse!! He get drunk without me from now on. I'm worried about our marriage though. I don't know if we can have a life together if I want a sober life and he doesn't.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by 5Marsh5
Hi Good! My husband encouraged my alcohol consumption for 25 years, although, like you, I was the heavier drinker. In August, he suddenly decided to quit - he wasn't dependent like I am (although in younger days, he drank more than I). He kept bringing the beer and wine home for me, anyway.
He went out of town this weekend, so I sucked it up and decided I'd quit. I'm having problems with it, but expect them.
He has this attitude that he doesn't care if I drink myself to death. I guess it's worse when they want to keep you as a drinking buddy. It's pretty hurtful, however, when your husband doesn't seem to give a ****.
He went out of town this weekend, so I sucked it up and decided I'd quit. I'm having problems with it, but expect them.
He has this attitude that he doesn't care if I drink myself to death. I guess it's worse when they want to keep you as a drinking buddy. It's pretty hurtful, however, when your husband doesn't seem to give a ****.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
As hard as it seems, quitting drinking is literally a life and death decision.
Many many things have to and do change when this occurs.
As much as it would be helpful for other people to be along for the ride, we cannot control their behaviour, their reaction, or their attitude about our change.
You have to be prepared to do, this for YOU. No matter what it takes.
Many many things have to and do change when this occurs.
As much as it would be helpful for other people to be along for the ride, we cannot control their behaviour, their reaction, or their attitude about our change.
You have to be prepared to do, this for YOU. No matter what it takes.
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