LadySingsBlues

I apologize for the absurd length of this but I have a point I swear

I have been doing opiates for well over a decade now. For a long time I teetered on the line of actually being able to call myself and addict because I hid it well and wasn't obviously affecting any areas of my life (clearly something I just told myself) until I began to realize I was using drugs to hide from my problems and it was, indeed, affecting every single area of my life. Even if no one knew I was even on anything.

I went to this outpatient place earlier this year, and I just wasn't happy there. I had tried an NA before and it just felt so...religious...that it just turned me off. I got all the speeches about spirituality vs religion and higher powers being whatever I wanted etc but it all just fell on deaf ears. Mainly because no matter what they said, that was not how I was treated.

One night after going to my daily NA with my outpatient group they ended the meeting with the Lords prayer. I did not want to participate and was basically peer pressured into standing up and holding hands with them while they prayed, which I refused to do with them. After they were done one of the participants proceeded to scold me for not participating and told me "don't take it out on us because you're angry with god". After that I never went back. I fully support whatever anyone else wants to believe, but I want that same respect in return and I've never gotten that from the AA/NA community.

Maybe its because I live in the deep south, I dunno. All I know is that I don't want to have to pray in order to get help. I've looked into other groups and just never found any level of acceptance. It wasn't just the religious aspect of it I didn't like either. It was that whole aspect of surrendering my power. That's how it seemed to me anyway. I think a big part of why I was on drugs was that I was trying to get my power back. I had let everyone else in my life control me and drugs was the one thing I could control. I want my power to come back to ME. I don't have faith in myself or anyone else, so its really hard for me to turn myself over to some entity I cant see. Whether its god or something else.

I tried to be open to the process. I really wanted to just take the parts of it I liked and run with that and basically just ignore everything else but that was never an option. I like having a place to speak about doing drugs and what's going on my life. I like getting support from other people who are familiar with things I'm going through. Addicts have a lot of secrets, and since no one in my life knows about my addiction I have legions of them. It was always just "get with our way of thinking or you'll be ostracized" though.

I just feel stuck basically. Counselors I've seen insist I need medication and AA/NA and when I went to the outpatient program the counselors there said I'd benefit more from one on one therapy. I tried just going to group therapy and they just insisted I needed AA/NA.

I want help. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be able to deal with insignificant things without needing a pill to get through.

I guess my question is this: Were my experiences some kind of isolated incident? Should I try to find other meetings and go down that road again? OR (honestly people) is that just the nature of the program?

Again, sorry for the wall of text. I just want honest opinions.

Coldfusion

Welcome to SoberRecovery!

There's a lot of hope and support here, and you'll find plenty of room for different opinions. There is a Secular section, a Christian Special Interest Group, and going on right now is a hot debate over being powerless or being empowered.

Thanks for joining--I hope to hear more from you!

ScottFromWI

I think sometimes we try to find ways to disqualify certain methods of recovery as being "not for us". You've pretty much said that about all the major methods above ( outpatient, 12 step, counseling, etc. . If you do truly want sobriety, at some point you might have to choose something and stick with it, knowing full well you may not like some of the aspects.

Dee74

Hi and welcome LadySingsBlues

I'm not much help as I'm not in AA/NA, but I believe meetings can vary - a meeting in Mississippi is bound to be a lot different to one in Manhattan for example

If your looking for secular groups there are secular AA groups but naturally they're not everywhere

There are other groups like SMART, LieRing and Ratrional Recovery too

Here's some links to some of the main recovery players, including AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

Best wishes in your search
D

Coldfusion

Here's the thread I mentioned:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rlessness.html

FreshStart2Day

Honestly. I know exactly how you feel. I am in a similar situation as yours even down to the hiding it from everybody part. I also did not favor the giving part of NA. Honestly I think the best thing I can tell you is to do it for yourself by yourself if necessary. Believe in yourself and make it happen. Take control.

LadySingsBlues

Well thanks you guys!

Dee:

You're absolutely right I think. I am quite liberal to have been born and raised in the south so in general, in every day life, its difficult for me to find people I connect with here so I think that may be a big part of it.

Scott:

I don't think I'm purposefully trying to "disqualify" anything. I love individual therapy but unfortunately I cant afford it right now. I had a therapist I loved but she was through a non profit and they only gave me 10 sessions. I didn't like that particular outpatient place so yea. I really wanted that to work though. That's why I shelled out what little money I had and gave it all to them.

I don't think anything is all good or all bad and I am fully prepared to deal with things that may be unpleasant. I mean my life right now is no cake walk so anything would be a step up really. I just don't want to compromise anymore of myself than I already have.

LadySingsBlues

I think I'm getting to that place. I just feel like I need some kind of outlet. Living in my head is what's driving me to do drugs.

I don't have any friends and my family doesn't know about any of this so it gets rather lonely living in this all by myself.

FreshStart2Day

Yeah I feel you... Nobody knows of my issue as well. And as much as I've thought that the support system isn't necessary I am starting to realize it is... I start fresh officially tomorrow. I know it's not much but hey I'm trying. And I know this isn't much but hey I'll be ur friend n talk to you. Lol. Maybe we can help each other. Other than that id recommend books and any other way to keep ur mind busy. I try to focus on sports myself. I always hated the religious part of NA but being there actually did help. Being around the people who understand, or atleast some of them.

ScottFromWI

I am not in AA myself, but if you find that AA/NA meetings help, perhaps seek one out that doesn't put as much emphasis in religion. They do exist, there are eve Atheist AA meetings in many places.

LadySingsBlues

Yea I thought that for a long time. Like I could just internalize everything and that I'd find a way to cope with it all on my own and clearly that isn't working well. I'm sober right now, have been for like the last month and I've done that many times. I think that's how my denial went for awhile. Like it wasn't that big of a deal cause it wasn't hard for me to start and stop for weeks or even months. I could deal with the physical things and even some of the mental ones but after awhile my anxiety and depression just start kicking me hard and I go back to the status quo.

I realize now that I was way more mentally stable when I had people in my life. Friends, coworkers, anyone that could talk me down when my anxiety starts to really get geared up and I see that my addiction really kicked into overdrive when those people left my life for different reasons.

FreshStart2Day

Support makes all the difference. How u holding up?

Anna

I'm not an AA/NA person either, but I hope you continue to read here and to post. SR has been my lifeline for many years.

mfanch

I'm an atheist in AA in the deep south. There are good meetings and bad ones. There is very little NA where I live, so I go to AA. I went until I found the right groups and people. I will also share that at first, I even had trouble with the literature (Big Book), but over time I have been able to glean the message as I interpret it rather than argue semantics.

For me, an alcoholic turned needle user, I was going to die soon if I did not find something to help me. Many in my home group are agnostic and also have drugs in their stories. I am so grateful for that. It didn't just appear, though, I had to attend different meetings to find it.

Glad you are here.

Mizzuno

I have found that having support is what makes the difference. Whether it is AA, or it is here, or support from another source, it is support and it helps tremendously. So, if you think that AA is not your thing, then find your support elsewhere. This site has helped me for the last 8 months. I believe it will continue to do so.

MeSoSober

I have been to somewhere around 10 meetings in my area at 4 different places, and had the same experience at all of them with the possible exception of the women's group I went to a couple of times. I don't recall whether they did it at that one or not.

I found it quite awkward getting up and holding hands with strange men. I never liked being constantly afraid of being called on to speak even though I know you can opt to pass. I almost hit the panic button when I had to read one of the opening pieces of literature once.

And honestly, if AA wants to appeal to both religious and secular/atheist alcoholics they shouldn't do the Lord's Prayer at meeting, which inarguably addresses the God of the Bible and not a generic "higher power."

And for what it's worth, I consider myself a pretty confirmed agnostic who still prays on occasion.

That's funny that your counselors said you'd benefit more from one-on-one therapy than a group. I wanted one-on-one counseling but the first place I called for help told me that group therapy tended to be more effective on the grounds that alcoholics tend to listen more to one another than to the counselor/therapist.

JaylaaKent

Interesting topic. I'm actually new to AA - and recently got into a "debate" about kneeling to pray versus how I want to pray/meditate. The experience was very upsetting to me - and I resented having to defend something so personal as my spirituality. I actually pondered quitting AA because of this incident - is it for me? If this organization is strongly based on so much "prayer" then maybe it's not for me? I'm just not at that point in my life/recovery. I talked to my sponsor about it - and she had great insight. After talking to her and some reflection I decided that I have had more sober time since joining and there are aspects of the program I can implement not just in my recovery but my day-to-day life as well. My sponsor told me that for some people their spirituality will come for them - in their time and in their own way. For now I experience the spirit of comrade of other in meetings. As for standing in prayer circles - I try not to look at it as some chanting to some "GOD" but a joining of spirits and kinship praying and affirming their support, strength and unity. Give the program a chance before you have buyer's remorse. Just my two cents.

LadySingsBlues

You're prolly right. There's basically every kind of meeting here and I just resist the urge to shop around for one because of previous experiences.

I kind of feel that way at this point. The whole structure of it just...doesn't suit my personality I think.

I COMPLETELY agree with your sentiment there! I was always told by hardcore AA/NA people that it was so liberating to unload all of your secrets to strangers and was just reassured over and over again that discretion was a given and that it would make me feel better to speak in front of everyone and I just so was not comfortable with that. I'm an extremely private person and furthermore, my family is kind of known in my community and degrees of separation just freak me out. Also, I have witnessed on more than one occasion someone divulging the identity of people they attended meetings with.

It always felt like some level of shaming the person was attached to it. I suppose that's an effective psychological tool. If you get a person to admit to things that are immoral or socially unacceptable then that makes everyone else put the pressure on them to not repeat that behavior.

Mostly (and I need everyone to not judge me for saying this) I just felt so much more intelligent than the other people. It felt like they were all in the 101 phase of self awareness and I was slightly past that. Like I know why I have the behaviors I have, I just need help changing them. They were all just so focused on the nature of addiction and pinpointing where in their childhoods they went wrong. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 16 so I got that pretty down and now I'm in the "what do I do with this information" stage of things. I don't know everything, but I know me pretty well.

Either way I really appreciate you guys responding to my story

MeSoSober

That's how I felt when I first read the 12 steps. That I'd spent my entire life doing them and taking the measure of my character and my flaws, whether I was a good person, etc. They simply did not make sense to me as a tool for quitting drinking.

But I have also read that you often have to actually DO the 12 steps as a means of "getting" them. And I'm certainly not going dismiss the number of people who credit AA with saving their lives.

LadySingsBlues

Currently I feel a huge knot in my stomach at all times of the day and frequently resist the urge to lay in the middle of the floor and throw a tantrum.

I always hate it when I get to this point. I'm just freakin bored basically. I don't understand how people live sober all the time. Just feels devoid of excitement and a level of depth. Even when I feel this way though, I realize its quite irrational. I mean life cant possibly be a mile a minute all the time. It's just not feasible.

Good things about being opiate free though:

-The ability to wake up at rational hours and be on time for things.
-Actually keeping money for more than a day and occasionally paying bills and doing grown up things with it.
-The improvement of my digestive system.
-Not having to drive around on full alert for fear of being pulled over and going to the chokey.

Apples and oranges I suppose. Thank you for asking