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-   -   Being an Alcoholic means learning to be selfish (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/313211-being-alcoholic-means-learning-selfish.html)

autan 11-11-2013 04:42 AM

Being an Alcoholic means learning to be selfish
 
It might come across as strange, but I have spent my entire life trying to please other people. I drank when they drank, when they had no money to go out, I used to pay. When I was paralytic in a bar, they helped me into bed.

Now that I am clean and sober for good (one hopes), my friends have been calling me and asking me to go out. I made up excuses apart from this weekend, I met them at a bar in Preston we used to hangout in and told them I no longer drink. I am an alcoholic and have chosen a life of abstinence based recovery.

At first the disgust on their faces was a little embarrassing and then one of my friends said. "Are you taking the **** ?" I said no, I am serious.

He was really annoyed by what I had just told him and I went in to details about rehab and trying to quit in the past. I asked him why he was getting upset, (almost violently aggressive), he said he had helped me and that he feels now because I no longer drink, I am betraying our friendship.

I told him if he was a real friend he would support me. I cant repeat the reply.

I went to shake his hand goodbye and he was having none of it. I told my Wife, what had happened and she said, you have to put yourself first and your family first. I intend to and then I also came to the conclusion that I have to learn to be selfish and protect my sobriety.

Has anyone else had a similar reaction from friends or so called friends ?

resolute50 11-11-2013 04:59 AM

IMHO,drinking friends are not real friends.
Just acquaintances.

I'm 50 yo. now and I would say that about 1/2 the guys I used to drink with in bars are now 6 ft. under. There's nothing selfish about wanting to live a long and healthy life.

Try18 11-11-2013 05:04 AM

I've had to say goodbye to a lot of 'friends' over the past couple years, once I realised our only common interest was drinking.

Well done on how you handled it.

Skye2 11-11-2013 05:20 AM

Sadly, I think it's your friend who's damaging the friendship :( I totally agree with your wife on this. Xx

Tang 11-11-2013 05:32 AM

I have had friends tell me I'm oversensitive (I'm male) for thinking I have a problem. I had one friend who told me I was going to miss a ton of career opportunities if I stopped drinking (he stopped responding to calls emails after I told him I was quitting). Someone who is that defensive and aggressive about you quitting could quite possibly have a problem themselves.

Toffee1 11-11-2013 05:36 AM

I don't understand!! What difference does it make to your friend whether you drink or not. You are the same person you just don't drink. Where is the problem? I went out Saturday and my mates were delighted I wasn't drinking as it meant I was their taxi for the night! They just did exactly the same as on previous nights and probably got their hangovers to prove it! You have to do what is right for you and I am sure the majority of friends would respect you for it. All the best

Jkb69 11-11-2013 05:55 AM


Originally Posted by autan (Post 4286531)
It might come across as strange, but I have spent my entire life trying to please other people. I drank when they drank, when they had no money to go out, I used to pay. When I was paralytic in a bar, they helped me into bed.

Now that I am clean and sober for good (one hopes), my friends have been calling me and asking me to go out. I made up excuses apart from this weekend, I met them at a bar in Preston we used to hangout in and told them I no longer drink. I am an alcoholic and have chosen a life of abstinence based recovery.

At first the disgust on their faces was a little embarrassing and then one of my friends said. "Are you taking the **** ?" I said no, I am serious.

He was really annoyed by what I had just told him and I went in to details about rehab and trying to quit in the past. I asked him why he was getting upset, (almost violently aggressive), he said he had helped me and that he feels now because I no longer drink, I am betraying our friendship.

I told him if he was a real friend he would support me. I cant repeat the reply.

I went to shake his hand goodbye and he was having none of it. I told my Wife, what had happened and she said, you have to put yourself first and your family first. I intend to and then I also came to the conclusion that I have to learn to be selfish and protect my sobriety.

Has anyone else had a similar reaction from friends or so called friends ?

I had the similar reaction from some friends when I tried to stop some years ago. I did not even ever pay their drinks. But this time around stopping over 3 months ago I dont have any drinking friends. I was drinking on my own or with my wife and she just drank a little and put up with it. Maybe you need to find some new friends and hobbies.

SeaScape 11-11-2013 06:01 AM

That's a bummer! I hate losing friends - under any circumstances really. I've been noticing that I can't expect my friends and family to behave the way I want them or need them to.

ru12 11-11-2013 06:06 AM

I was plenty selfish when I drank. I spent a lot of time self-indulgent with my buzz. I try to more giving now that I am sober. But I wouldn't sacrifice my sobriety for the convenience of a friend. If I return to drinking, I won't be of use to anyone.

Grace2 11-11-2013 06:09 AM

Autan, it's times like that when you find out who your real friends are! Stick to your guns, your wife is right, you don't need such negativity in your life. Real friends are there for you through thick and thin, good times and bad.

You take care and look after yourself and your family, you have everything going for you.

Lots of love

Grace xxx

happyhour 11-11-2013 06:26 AM

for our "friends" it can hit a little too close to home...

"wait, if he tells me he has a problem, and he is acknowledging it, and taking responsibility, how can that be? he and i drink about the same amount?! that would mean that i might have a ... no! ... you're over-reacting! ..."

anyistoomuch 11-11-2013 06:45 AM


Originally Posted by autan (Post 4286531)
I went to shake his hand goodbye and he was having none of it. I told my Wife, what had happened and she said, you have to put yourself first and your family first. I intend to and then I also came to the conclusion that I have to learn to be selfish and protect my sobriety.

Autan - That sounds awful and I am angry that you went through that with those people. I hardly think you are the one being selfish, if your "friends" don't have a desire to support you being sober.

ScottFromWI 11-11-2013 06:49 AM

You made the right choice in my opinion. You value your health and family more than drinking or pleasing others who drink. Your "Friend" obviously chooses alcohol over the former.

Keep in mind that your friend is quite possibly an alcoholic too, and as we all know to well, when we are drinking we don't think straight. I'm not suggesting you even attempt to make amends or anything of the sort, but remember how we acted towards others when we were drinking - just about any of us could have been "that guy" when we were active drinkers too.

Move forward knowing you made the right choice, and that some choices in sobriety are going to hurt a little. But it's for the best.

Marcellina 11-11-2013 06:59 AM

I think you will find who your real friends are as you stay sober. I don't think you are being selfish at all but trying to save your life! I am also codependent people pleaser and they tell us we need to put the life preserver on ourself first before we can save others, so right now you have to save yourself and maybe someday these same "friends" will come to you for help!

autan 11-11-2013 08:05 AM


Originally Posted by Jkb69 (Post 4286645)
I had the similar reaction from some friends when I tried to stop some years ago. I did not even ever pay their drinks. But this time around stopping over 3 months ago I dont have any drinking friends. I was drinking on my own or with my wife and she just drank a little and put up with it. Maybe you need to find some new friends and hobbies.

My Wife is my new best friend. My month of sobriety has brought us so close, because she knows I am trying to get better for all of us.

Mizzuno 11-11-2013 09:23 AM

You now know that in order to be friends with this person, alcohol has to be center stage. I am sorry that this happened. There will be people who do not agree with the solution that you have chosen. I experienced this many times, in many of my attempts at sobriety. I experience it today with people who can not believe that I dont drink, or they do not understand "because you are so fun." My decision to save my life and start living has not been one of regret. Just maybe, in your future, this friend may come around to see that alcohol is playing a role in his life that is unhealthy. For now, keep walking forward. His opinion is not of importance. Yes, if he was a "true" friend to you he would understand and support this positive decision. :)

deeker 11-11-2013 09:33 AM

I changed everyone and everything that did not support my recovery.

Quitting drinking but still going to pubs would be like swimming against the current to me.

I'd rather go down stream with all those who support me and those who are in recovery themselves.

No explanations to anyone.

EndGameNYC 11-11-2013 09:41 AM

Your friend is losing his drinking buddy, and the intensity of his response demonstrates just how important drinking is in his life.

In the real world, people who respond aggressively to our decisions to take better care of ourselves are not friends.

LadyBlue0527 11-11-2013 09:47 AM

It has been my experience that those who were upset that I was quitting drinking were only looking out for one person, themselves. They're losing a drinking buddy (also known as an excuse to drink) and they are being forced to face their own reality. No drinker likes that.

I have lost some friends since I've been sober but most have been supportive.

sicknote 11-11-2013 12:00 PM

Sounds like you guys both enabled each other to drink. It's probably put a light on his own drinking. He doesn't sound like a real friend, just a drinking acquaintance :)

I don't think it's selfish to put ourselves first when alcohol is involved! But, I do believe we need to be unselfish in other areas of our lives tho. Alcoholism is selfish, we indulge for our own gratification, disregarding others, sometimes at great expense. Worry about your family, not your drinking buddies, because them types will come and go, keep the ones who love you close :)

good luck to you! :)

sicknote.

ps. I'm UK too! down south :)


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