Briar

I guess all I can do is learn from it and keep going. I see how it happened. First I had a small glass of champagne at a social event with coworkers whom I did not want knowing about problem. I felt a strange sense of pride, like now they have seen me drink so they won't suspect I'm in recovery. Ridiculous logic, I know, and it shows me that I have some real issues accepting that I am an alcoholic. That first glass went fine, and couple weeks later I was struggling with work stress and wasn't handling it well. I work in a law enforcement/social services capacity, and we had a series of cases involving injuries and death to children, which I am learning are a major trigger for me. So one night I decided to have one drink. I barely even thought about it, it just seemed to make perfect sense. It turned out fine, so I did it again a couple days later. I had a little more than I meant to that time, but it wasn't too bad. Then yesterday afternoon I had a drink. Then another. Then I took the bottle and hid it in a boot in my closet so I could sip off it all evening. Today I feel horrible. We were supposed to go out to breakfast as a family, but I was too sick. I slept all day and wasted a precious Sunday with my family. I can't believe I let this happen after so many months sober. But I am here with fresh motivation to stay sober and find ways to deal with stress that actually help me. I am overwhelmed by the stresses of being a working mom with an intense and emotional job, and though I am married with a wonderful child, I am very lonely. Those sober months made me think I had it all figured out, but now I see that I have a long way to go. Thanks for being here, you guys.

Gottalife

Welcome back Briar. I am a very slow learner when it comes to my mistakes. The one I made over and over again, was the same as yours - I took that first drink, and everything followed form that. I had insanely trivial reasons for taking that first drink. It seems, when it really mattered, I was unable to "run the tape through" as they say. I did not have a good enough defense.

I suppose you could say, on the face of it, the mistake was the first drink, but perhaps the real reason was that I did not put enough effort into finding a defense that would keep me sober.

Dee74

Welcome back Briar - good to see you

D

Skye2

(back) Briar. I can imagine how stressful that job is Could you make use of the counselling they offer there for the stress? Over here cops have a resident counsellor at all the stations. (police ones not railway- not sure what you call the 'offices' over there).
I know I learned a lot from my slips - on reflection I'm glad in a way that they happened, as it really finally got it into my head, how GREAT being sober is
You can do this!! Xx

PS Nice avatar Dee

ZeldaFan

I feel the same way about my slips. Each one gave me new knowledge and new resolve to stay sober.

Raider

Briar good that you posted. Good luck.

Theophania

Hi Briar, so sorry you have missed out on a Sunday with your family. I did the same a week ago. I too started drinking moderately again and I thought I had it under control and then BAM, I woke up Wednesday morning with this ache in my heart and fear that it was all over and I would never 'come back'.... I am glad you have found a new resolve to stay sober and I think it is really great that out of this experience you have been able to take away some self awareness on some areas you need to work on. Hang in there

Briar

Thanks for your encouragement, everyone. I really appreciate the support. Skye2: we don't have a counselor available, though it makes great sense and would be very helpful. I guess it isn't in the budget. We have a program that will pay for six sessions per year with a therapist of your choice, but I burned through my six sessions in the Spring. I had a therapist I liked and would pay for out of pocket, but she moved her office too far away, so I stopped seeing her. Looks like its time to seek out another. I have to be proactive again.

Skye2

Oh sorry to hear you don't have a resident counsellor Having said that, with all the cuts going on over here, they probably won't have one for much longer either. They're even closing down fire stations to save money - is beyond a joke these days.
I don't suppose you all starting up some kind of self-help group is an option? Clutching at straws here to suggest something Xx

Briar

I don't know, I have a big mental block when it comes to opening up to others and showing my weaknesses. I am afraid that if the people I work with know how much I struggle, they will think I am incompetent. I have to be the strong one, and I don't trust others to help me. I've always been like that. I come from an alcoholic family, and I am a textbook family hero type. I realize it is to my detriment to try to do everything alone, but its very tough for me to overcome that. Very tough.

Mags1

Hi Briar, just wanted to say hello.
I've been struggling last few days, so don't beat yourself up. I can't imagine your feelings , work wise. I fall to pieces anything invi
loving children and animals. I figure us adults are big enough to care for ourselves!
Keep visiting SR, I'm amazed how I keep getting snippets of well wishes, experiences from SR friends and something clicks. Yes, that fits, I can relate to that experience and my mindset can adjust. I'm waffling, as usual.
Have a great Monday.x

Skye2

Just wondering if there is an online support forum for officers? I mean, that would be as anonymous as you wanted it to be

Briar

An online forum would be good, I prefer this over face to face meetings. I will look for one geared toward law enforcement. I actually tried to start one here a few months ago, but I don't think it went anywhere. Maybe I will give it another shot.

Thanks for all the support, you guys, its a comfort just to be connected to others here.

EndGameNYC

Then this is the cutting edge for you...The very thing that's holding you back from growth and change.

Sometimes our greatest strength is our greatest weakness.