Essie123

Hi.
I am new here and 2 days in to my latest bid at not drinking. Sometimes I do okay for a while and then I find myself back in that place where I am so ashamed of myself and feel physically sick because of the pollution.

I want this time to be different. I want to really do it this time and when I asked myself why it would be different, I do this all the time. I quit drinking every time I drink. What makes this the time? I didn't have an answer so..Here I am.

For a while I wondered if I had a problem or if I could stop. Now, (maybe today acutally) I know I can't do this alone.

Please, ask me questions and help me to get this out in the open.

I hide it. I hide it from everyone so well that no one knows and the impact on my life has to stop. when I mean no one, I mean not one person even suspects I drink at all. I drink alone in my house. Binge drinking? I don't know what it is. I drink until I can't drink anymore or I throw up. I do this two to three times a month. On a bad run I will do it two or three nighs in a row and then swear off it. on weekends so I can hide in my house hungover and be back to work on Monday.

I don't ever drink socially or in public at all. My friends think I am the image of self control and sobriety. It is like I have two lives and I am a liar. I feel ugly and I am ugly because I am doing this to myself and I really need some one to talk to, being a closet drunk is pretty lonely when you don't have the guts to even say it out loud..

Please, This is the best first step I have taken in a while and I feel so alone and disgusting.

neferkamichael

Essie123, 2 days sober is FANTASTIC. Yours is a post of mine when I was 2 days sober. I'm beginning to hurt my own ears by saying this, I just suffered through it all, and today I am 3 years 4 months sober. All that goes away with time sober. Rootin for ya.

boombox

You are certainly not disgusting! What you're doing is very brave and admirable. It is not easy to admit that you have a drinking problem and even harder to do it when noone knows or suspects a thing. Your honesty with yourself is commendable. And you certainly are not alone, I've found this site brilliant. So many stories and advice, anything you think noone else could've possibly have done, well someone's done it and documented on here somewhere I bet. It's so comforting to realise you're not alone. You will beat this, we all with, but we all need a little help from our friends on SR!

anyistoomuch

Essie!

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Believe me, you are NOT alone (read around and you will see) and you should not be ashamed. Try to feel positive that this time you are actually reaching out for help.

Welcome to SR. I am at the beginning of my sobriety, but I have found a lot of support and helpful information here.

Know that you are one among MANY MANY people who have the same problem. I think acknowledging this is one way to release some of the pressure and to admit that we need help - help to get started to stop, and help staying sober.

Is there anyone in your life you can trust to reveal your "double life"? It can be scary and lonely to feel like you have to hide.

Hevyn

Welcome Essie! You are among friends - nothing to be ashamed about. We've all been there in one way or another.

I'd been drinking for decades when I found SR. I was completely dependent on it, drinking all day. This won't happen to you - you've recognized the need for change in your life. Alcohol is causing you stress and putting you in danger. It doesn't sound like it's fun or relaxing - just a miserable habit. I hope you'll stay here with us and keep posting. You're among people who care.

least

to SR! This is an amazing site with loads of support and friendship here. I'm glad you joined us.

Essie123

thank you so much for reaching out. I am crying pretty hard at this. I think about my life and the people that I know who have struggled or just kept drinking until they hit bottom. My mom included. She is over 18 years sober after a horrible bottom
Some people I know have literally drank themselves to death.
I do so good sometimes and then I almost reward myself with a bottle of wine and a pack of smokes.
How messed up is that? my reward.. my retreat or something.
I don't want to hit a bottom. I am successful in my career and things in my life are on track except for this and the impact it has on me. My free time is either drinking alone or hungover feeling awful about it. I rarely go out and do fun healthy things in my free time. I do excercise, bike, ski... but I don't have much of a social life and my friendships are getting more and more distanced because I am not around or available for people.
what is is that makes it so that I can't stop this even though I hate it so much?

Venecia

Hey Essie123 -- You've made a great start by finding SR. You'll find countless people with whom you have so much in common. You'll find strong shoulders, wise words and endless encouragement.

You'll find you're never alone. People like Neferkamichael have been a beacon in the storm to so many.

Join your "class" -- that's the group of people who choose sobriety in the same month as you. Read the posts from the veterans of the journey of recovery. Post when something goes well in your life; post when you're hurting; post when you want to share.

"Nef" is right -- two days sober is awesome. How 'bout aiming for three days now. I'm on Day 87; this is a good place.

least

Besides getting help from this site, I see a counselor and find her to be a lot of help. Is that possible for you? Might be good to get some feedback from someone who understands addiction.

hayley86

Welcome Essie123, you are not alone. I was an expert at hiding my drinking and for a long time only the people closest to me knew what was going on. Getting some support in place and speaking with other alcoholics who understood what i was going through really helped with my recovery. Speaking to my doctor really helped me too. You will find tons of support and understanding here. I'm glad you have joined us.

Essie123

[QUOTE="Venecia;4285739"]Hey Essie123 -- You've made a great start by finding SR. You'll find countless people with whom you have so much in common. You'll find strong shoulders, wise words and endless encouragement

Sometimes I go weeks without drinking and am doing real well, then end up back.

How do I sign up with my class?

Venecia

Hi, Essie: No signing up required. SR is an easy place to be. Just go to Newcomers' Daily Support Threads. This link should get you there, too:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-2013-a.html

chaili05

Essie, that's awesome that you're reaching out and have two days sober! I've been in that same boat... where sometimes you binge drink for a couple days, then get clean for a while... then get that reward because all of the sudden you think you can manage your drinking since you haven't had alcohol in a couple weeks!

I agree with least, finding other resources can also be helpful. I'm seeing a counselor as well and it's really nice to have someone thoroughly educated on the subject challenge you and help you to find ways to remain sober. Either that or there are SMART recovery groups and AA meetings you can attend for extra support. Just a thought

Don't let any of that overwhelm you though, one day at a time.

Cheetah1

Essie, I was very much like you. Nobody knew my problem except my husband. I hid it & it is a lonely place to be.

I read Under the Influence. That helped me understand why I kept doing what I absolutely hated to do but kept doing it anyway.

I started out just drinking on weekends, then it escalated...eventually daily.
I found this site & it was a God send.
I have 8 months sober bc of the kind folks here.
Stay on SR. read, post, share.
There's plenty who have been where you are...me included.

Welcome aboard!
Life is far better sober.
You can get your life back.

alphaomega

Awwww, Essie. You aren't any of those things you describe. You are addicted to a poison and don't know how to stop. That's all. You absolutely don't need to punish yourself mentally anymore than the alcohol already does and will.

When I finally told my girlfriends that I was an alcoholic, they were SHOCKED. I thought everyone knew, but I too, was controlled in public. Even to my nearest and dearest, no one believed me. Two of my girlfriends actually argued with me. Trust me, I'm an alcoholic.

Just so you know you aren't alone, here is my first post when I was right where you are.

In just a few short months, I am a million miles away from who I was...

Be well precious one.

XO AO

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...night-lot.html

SpeedRacer

Hi Essie. Thanks for joining and posting. Self-reflection and accountability is tough to initiate on your own. You are very strong to recognize this and work at it. We are here for you, you are not alone.