Out of rehab and feeling....fragile
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 14
Out of rehab and feeling....fragile
I’ve been out of rehab for 3 hours now and feeling fragile. I feel like I don’t know how to do anything outside of rehab. I was doing ok while I was in there because I had no real contact with my old life, it was easier. I left rehab with a plan of action to stay clean but now that I am out I doubt I will be able to follow the plan. 
I always have liked danger and dangerous situations, since I was a kid. I was the person who didn’t understand anything about addiction. I was the person who tried to catch drug dealers and drunk drivers and I never really understand where they were coming from. I was a police officer for years, a successful police officer. After a few years, I changed department and started working with the narcotics team and then the organized crime department where I became a double agent. The perfect job for someone that likes adrenaline and dangerous situations.
Anyway, to make a long story short, my co-worker (boyfriend at that time, who was also a double agent) got caught talking to the police and we all had to prove we weren’t cops. I had to shoot up heroin for the first time in my life. (I don’t want to write too much or trigger anyone but if you have questions, I’ll be more than happy to answer). That was my first and last job as a double agent. After that, I became the girl that the police want to arrest, but they left me alone because I was one of them.
I am upset with myself. I don’t understand how come I was doing so well in life and ended shooting up every day, working in the streets when I studied and worked so hard to make my city a better place to live as a police officer. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for doing what I did and messing my whole life. I’m only hoping I’ll be able to go back to work and help people like us instead of working against them this time.
How do you all stay clean and/or sober after rehab (if you did go to rehab)? How do you stay clean and sober in your everyday life? I know I have a plan but I know if I could do something different.
Thank you all and sorry for the long text.
I always have liked danger and dangerous situations, since I was a kid. I was the person who didn’t understand anything about addiction. I was the person who tried to catch drug dealers and drunk drivers and I never really understand where they were coming from. I was a police officer for years, a successful police officer. After a few years, I changed department and started working with the narcotics team and then the organized crime department where I became a double agent. The perfect job for someone that likes adrenaline and dangerous situations.
Anyway, to make a long story short, my co-worker (boyfriend at that time, who was also a double agent) got caught talking to the police and we all had to prove we weren’t cops. I had to shoot up heroin for the first time in my life. (I don’t want to write too much or trigger anyone but if you have questions, I’ll be more than happy to answer). That was my first and last job as a double agent. After that, I became the girl that the police want to arrest, but they left me alone because I was one of them.
I am upset with myself. I don’t understand how come I was doing so well in life and ended shooting up every day, working in the streets when I studied and worked so hard to make my city a better place to live as a police officer. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for doing what I did and messing my whole life. I’m only hoping I’ll be able to go back to work and help people like us instead of working against them this time.
How do you all stay clean and/or sober after rehab (if you did go to rehab)? How do you stay clean and sober in your everyday life? I know I have a plan but I know if I could do something different.
Thank you all and sorry for the long text.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,774
to SR! If you truly want to be clean and sober more than you want to use, then you should be able to follow your plan to stay clean. Are you going to NA meetings? Do you have any real life support? What about counseling? I see a counselor and have found her to be a lot of help.I'm glad you joined the family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 14
thank you so much
I'll be living with my sister in Toronto until I decide to go back to Vancouver. I shoud start outpatient on monday, I'll be able to see my therapist still. If outpatient is not enough I'll go to meetings at night
I'll be living with my sister in Toronto until I decide to go back to Vancouver. I shoud start outpatient on monday, I'll be able to see my therapist still. If outpatient is not enough I'll go to meetings at night
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Welcome, Ashley!
I didn't go to rehab but I know I felt terribly lost and alone when I stopped drinking. The first few weeks were not easy, trying to get by and trying to not be too hard on myself for becoming an addict. Try to not blame yourself too much for what happened. The guilt and shame can bring you down in no time at all.
You have a chance to start anew and do something positive with your life. Stay focused on your recovery and you can get through this. I found SR to be a lifeline for me.
I didn't go to rehab but I know I felt terribly lost and alone when I stopped drinking. The first few weeks were not easy, trying to get by and trying to not be too hard on myself for becoming an addict. Try to not blame yourself too much for what happened. The guilt and shame can bring you down in no time at all.
You have a chance to start anew and do something positive with your life. Stay focused on your recovery and you can get through this. I found SR to be a lifeline for me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Hi Ashley
usually I say long term recovery involves changes and support. You've already made the changes - you've been to rehab and I presume you won't be hanging in the same drug circles any more - and you'll find support here.
I know it's scary but you can do this
D
usually I say long term recovery involves changes and support. You've already made the changes - you've been to rehab and I presume you won't be hanging in the same drug circles any more - and you'll find support here.
I know it's scary but you can do this
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 14
How do you stop blaming yourself for becoming an addict?? I doubt I'll be able to stop blaming myself for it
I didn't think it would be that hard to see my family after rehab, answering all their questions and trying not to disapoint them is really harder than I thought it would be
I didn't think it would be that hard to see my family after rehab, answering all their questions and trying not to disapoint them is really harder than I thought it would be
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I know how hard it can be.
I also know that it's so very important to stop blaming yourself. I did that, too and went around in circles with the 'If only' I had made a different choice at this time or that time. But, I found that it kept me totally stuck in the past. You must forgive yourself which doesn't mean forgetting what happened, but allowing yourself to move on. In the end, I had to start journaling my negative thoughts and that really helped.
I also know that it's so very important to stop blaming yourself. I did that, too and went around in circles with the 'If only' I had made a different choice at this time or that time. But, I found that it kept me totally stuck in the past. You must forgive yourself which doesn't mean forgetting what happened, but allowing yourself to move on. In the end, I had to start journaling my negative thoughts and that really helped.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 14
I was journaling a lot in rehab and it did help. I'll keep journaling and seeing a therapist and it should get better. I feel like when I got clean, feeling unsure of everything only because I'm not in rehab anymore and I'm back to real life now, is this normal ??
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Ashley1984 
I was journaling a lot in rehab and it did help. I'll keep journaling and seeing a therapist and it should get better. I feel like when I got clean, feeling unsure of everything only because I'm not in rehab anymore and I'm back to real life now, is this normal ??
You sound both vulnerable and confused...Two states of being that usually indicate change. One way through this is to continue allowing others to help, support and take care of you, and to allow yourself the freedom to take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
You are in the right place. And, yes, many of us had no clue we would end up becoming alcoholics or drug addicts or both, but here we are.
A lot of your guilt may have to do with the fact that you were on the total other end of the drug spectrum, arresting them instead of being one of them. You were doing a job, got caught up in the beast of addiction, and here you are.
This is one of those situations where you have to accept that while illicit drug use is against the law, it is what it is: addiction. Most experts classify that as a disease and apparently for good reason.
What I would suggest is to throw yourself full force into recovery mode, which includes counseling, medical supervision and someplace where I suspect you would never find yourself -- in an AA or NA meeting.
You're not unique. Just one of us.
Welcome to SR.
A lot of your guilt may have to do with the fact that you were on the total other end of the drug spectrum, arresting them instead of being one of them. You were doing a job, got caught up in the beast of addiction, and here you are.
This is one of those situations where you have to accept that while illicit drug use is against the law, it is what it is: addiction. Most experts classify that as a disease and apparently for good reason.
What I would suggest is to throw yourself full force into recovery mode, which includes counseling, medical supervision and someplace where I suspect you would never find yourself -- in an AA or NA meeting.
You're not unique. Just one of us.
Welcome to SR.
AlmA
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Marbella Spain
Posts: 714
Welcome Ashley!
It is nobodys fault... it just happens and sudenly you are in!
What is the point of looking for guilt!
It does not help you move on!
Done... over... time to get up!
Write is good... come here any time you are struggling!
Get support outside... meetings... doctors...
Keep away from old circles... Important!
Do sports... running... cycling... swimming...
pick up hobbies... art... yoga... mefitation...
Help others... chatities...
Read help books... AVRT... Urge Surfing... NA books...
The more proyects you have in mind the more busy you are!
just Hold the fort longer and will get better!
You are a person that deserves a better life!
You are not alone... it is hard but can be done!
I send you all mi hopes for a better life!
You cab do it when you put your mind to it!
It is nobodys fault... it just happens and sudenly you are in!
What is the point of looking for guilt!
It does not help you move on!
Done... over... time to get up!
Write is good... come here any time you are struggling!
Get support outside... meetings... doctors...
Keep away from old circles... Important!
Do sports... running... cycling... swimming...
pick up hobbies... art... yoga... mefitation...
Help others... chatities...
Read help books... AVRT... Urge Surfing... NA books...
The more proyects you have in mind the more busy you are!
just Hold the fort longer and will get better!
You are a person that deserves a better life!
You are not alone... it is hard but can be done!
I send you all mi hopes for a better life!
You cab do it when you put your mind to it!
Welcome
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
I felt the exact same way coming out of rehab. I remember getting dropped off at my apartment on a Friday afternoon and just sitting on my couch and crying for hours, not knowing what to do with myself. But I remembered my rehab highly suggested I get my butt to a meeting the day I get out. So I bit the bullet and dragged myself to a meeting on a Friday night. That meeting saved my life because it kept me sober for the night. I kept going to daily meetings and I'm still sober 7.5 months later.
Good luck!
Good luck!
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