Newcomer to Recovery Forum
 

Hi I am new to this forum. I have 20 years of recovery and about a year ago met a sweet guy that was about 6 months sober. We talked for hours, he is a very genuine guy that I basically fell for the first time we "hooked up". We hooked up a few times then things got busy and we basically just texted. He is much younger than I am so basically I didn't know where it was going to go. He got 11 months of sobriety and graduated a treatment place and unfortunately relapsed. Then we starteed texting again and became boyfriend and girlfriend. In the past 4 months I am sad to say that he overdosed twice and has been to 3 detoxes. He is addicted to heroin. Right now he just completed detox and is in a transitions place. I love him with all my heart and wish I could help him.
The problem I have is that people judge me. Yes he is younger but his grandmother and I have been the only 2 people in his life that support him 100%.
I am wondering if anyone out here has ever been in this situation. Our age difference? My sobriety?

:welcome to SR :)
I don't have any experience of this, but wish you all the best :)

Welcome tripleaaa, i have no experience of this either. Wishing you the best though.

:welcome to SR! We have a special forum for friends and family of addicts. Take a look there for more insight.


Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

As you know, there are reasons not to get involved with someone in early recovery. That is clearly not the issue here because from what you are writing, he clearly is an active drug user.

Why would you want to be involved with a junkie? What kind of relationship can you have with such a person?

Forget about the judgement of others. What is your judgement of the situation?

Hi well he was sober almost a year. The hardest year of his life. And we started talking like I said when he was 6 months and I really didn't know what would happen but the more and more I talked to him the more I fell for him and then our relationship became intimate. He has been trying to stay sober. He has been in detoxes and he still goes to meetings he wants to get sober.
And I don't look at him as a junkie I look at him as a person, a kind, loving, genuine person. The kind of relaitonship i want with him is a loving one that is why I have faith that he will get sober and stay sober.
My judgement is I don't want anyone to judge me. Some people are sicker than others.

I think there is an element of fantasy here. You describe the kind of relationship you want with him...not the kind you actually have. You talk about other people and how they feel about this relationship but no information that says anything about the relationship itself.

If your support could help him, it would have. Instead he is using. Without knowing it, you might even be enabling him, since you are giving him the illusion of normalcy.

It is clear in what you write that you know this is not going in a good direction. The best thing for both of you might be to cut off contact until he has a year of clean time. If there is something real here, both of you should be able to handle that. Then you have a shot at getting that relationship that you say you want with him.

Very good advise. Maybe it is a fantasy. See I met him when he was sober and we got along awesome. We still do get along great. Yes I probably enabled him but I also probably saved his life because he could have ended up in jail or worse death. So yes I might me living a fantasy a fantasy I am not willing to let go of right now.

And since me and his grandmother are the only 2 supporting him right now I will continue to support and love him until he tells me to leave him alone which he has not.

He has continued to ask me for help and I will never turn down another addict or alcoholic when they ask for help.

But I do agree to a point with you, but the best thing for him would not be for me to cut off contact with him he definately wants me in his life.

He won't ask you to leave him alone. You know that.

What sort of "help" do you give him? What sort of "help" does he ask for?

He asked me to take him to detox. He's asked me to stand by him. And in my heart of all hearts I have faith and hope that he can and will stay sober one day at a time. I have to have faith and hope!

Here's an interesting piece of perspective. I'm an alcoholic new to boston AA. I've been with the same woman for 6 years. I entered recovery 2 years ago and have never stopped going because I do want to be sober. Nonetheless I have 48 hours sober and have relapsed, sometimes for as long as a month, at least 4 times. The woman I'm with is wonderful and when I'm sober, we're both great partners to one another. If the shoe were on the other foot, I don't know if I'd have made it as long as she has. I know I'd be going to alanon (she does and is sponsored). In fact, I doubt I would have stuck around. I'm grateful she has though.

I have no experience from your side of this situation. It seems as if you just want to stop others from judging you. Considering how you've described your feelings I can't blame you. However, that's a losing battle.

Perhaps the friends and family section is a better place to direct you question, since you are not new to your own recovery and you are really discussing someone else's? Hope it works out how it should for you.

Thank you MWL1983 very kind words and I am so glad the woman you are with has stood by you. I too will stand by my man no matter what. Good luck, God bless.

What does "stand by him" mean? I understand that he asked you to take him to detox, but stand by him is less clear.

Again, I suspect that by keeping thoughts about the relationship vague, you do not have to really look at what is going on. Have there been any cancelled plans? Have you had to deal with him when he is high? Do you end up paying for meals? Can you talk honestly to him about the times when you feel hurt or angry? In what ways does he stand by you?

It is hard to imagine that someone using heroin has not disappointed you in some way and at some time. And your support has not improved his situation. In fact, from your description it sounds as if he has gotten worse since your relationship has gotten serious.

As long as the relationship is comfortable for him, all the love and support in the world will not motivate change. Why should he change if you are willing to stand by him all the way even if he decides to go down the drain?

Setting some limits for yourself can only help. How far will you go? How far is too far? Decide now before the time comes because if he does continue on this path you will always find some excuse to stick with him even when the situation gets intolerable.

You can still hope it does not come to that. But you need to plan for the worst as well as the best.

Hi tripleaaa,

From what you have said, it seems that you have genuinely strong feelings for him. However, being in recovery yourself, you must understand the difference between standing by someone and enabling someone?

I know you probably don't want to hear this but I would advise you to step back and let him concentrate on his recovery at the moment. When he has some more clean time under his belt, then who knows what will happen.

Sometimes the best way to help someone is to walk away.

I really hope things work out for the best.

Love & Serenity.

Hi tripleaaa and welcome