Slipping..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
Slipping..
Hello all, After 70 days I have begun to slip. No other way of putting it.
I was finding the flatness of mood, the lack of any zest in life, which I was experiencing, just too..well flat and decided a few days ago to have a couple of drinks late at night before bedtime...not with any expectation that the ultimate outcome would be remotely positive. Just a short term 'fix'. This I have now done for four nights over a week. The flatness feeling has gone, but of course I know I can't keep going because I will in due course end up where I was 70 days ago feeling terrible and desperate.
The drinking at this point isn't massive in terms of volume - at best a quarter of a bottle of vodka mixed with coke. But I just know it will creep up unless I put the brakes on.
I am continuing with AA meetings but I have not shared this. What is more I am meeting my new sponsor for the first 'proper' meeting early this evening.
More than anything I hate the depressed flat feeling referred to above. That seems to be the simple single reason for the slip.
What to do..especially as I felt I was doing so well. .Feeling very fed up with the whole business right now.
I was finding the flatness of mood, the lack of any zest in life, which I was experiencing, just too..well flat and decided a few days ago to have a couple of drinks late at night before bedtime...not with any expectation that the ultimate outcome would be remotely positive. Just a short term 'fix'. This I have now done for four nights over a week. The flatness feeling has gone, but of course I know I can't keep going because I will in due course end up where I was 70 days ago feeling terrible and desperate.
The drinking at this point isn't massive in terms of volume - at best a quarter of a bottle of vodka mixed with coke. But I just know it will creep up unless I put the brakes on.
I am continuing with AA meetings but I have not shared this. What is more I am meeting my new sponsor for the first 'proper' meeting early this evening.
More than anything I hate the depressed flat feeling referred to above. That seems to be the simple single reason for the slip.
What to do..especially as I felt I was doing so well. .Feeling very fed up with the whole business right now.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Mentium, I'm sorry to hear you're finding it such a challenge. There's nothing I can say except I'm here to support you.
As hard as it is, I think you should tell your sponsor the truth. If sobriety was easy there'd be no need for AA.
As hard as it is, I think you should tell your sponsor the truth. If sobriety was easy there'd be no need for AA.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. It sounds like the meeting tonight with your sponsor might be that time.
Be brave and be honest. A sponsor can only help and give advice if they have the whole picture. Give it to them and then takes the steps to move on from here. You do not have to go back to move on.
Be brave and be honest. A sponsor can only help and give advice if they have the whole picture. Give it to them and then takes the steps to move on from here. You do not have to go back to move on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,021
Mentium
Thanks for being honest. As AA says, it is progress not perfection that we strive for. Its a slip but that doesnt discount the 70 days of sobriety you have achieved. Dont give up, amp up your AA meetings and stay connected !
Thanks for being honest. As AA says, it is progress not perfection that we strive for. Its a slip but that doesnt discount the 70 days of sobriety you have achieved. Dont give up, amp up your AA meetings and stay connected !
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Hey mentium, after reading your post I went back and read one of my old ones, pretty much had the exact same line, "I've lost my zest".
Here's what I've learned on getting back to being zesty
EVERYTHING is what you make of it!! I know how unbelievably annoying that statement is, trust me. It's annoying because the answer is nothing JUST gets better. While the more space that gets between you and the bottle helps, just not drinking isn't enough! Drinking gives you a false "zest", while actually working your life to uncover the real you, that's a "zest" that effervescent!!!!!
Stop yourself now while you haven't fallen to far. Make yourself a list of things you've always wanted to accomplish but haven't. Slowly chipping away at that list may bring you a whole lot of "zest"!!
Good luck, be well keep posting
Here's what I've learned on getting back to being zesty
EVERYTHING is what you make of it!! I know how unbelievably annoying that statement is, trust me. It's annoying because the answer is nothing JUST gets better. While the more space that gets between you and the bottle helps, just not drinking isn't enough! Drinking gives you a false "zest", while actually working your life to uncover the real you, that's a "zest" that effervescent!!!!!
Stop yourself now while you haven't fallen to far. Make yourself a list of things you've always wanted to accomplish but haven't. Slowly chipping away at that list may bring you a whole lot of "zest"!!
Good luck, be well keep posting
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I felt very flat too Mentium - it was understandable really, looking back, as drinking had been a major part of my life, and a vital part of me managing my feelings.
Alcohol left a huge hole for me to fill.
Luckily I had a few mentors here who time and again assured me that things would get better so long as I held my ground and stayed sober - and they were right
The joylessness did lift, my enjoyment of life came back, and I began building on that, making a life that satisfied, but one in which alcohol played no part.
It takes a little faith and a little patience.
When you're in despair (or disgust) it's easy to believe that this is the new normal and things will always be this way - but it's just not true
D
Alcohol left a huge hole for me to fill.
Luckily I had a few mentors here who time and again assured me that things would get better so long as I held my ground and stayed sober - and they were right
The joylessness did lift, my enjoyment of life came back, and I began building on that, making a life that satisfied, but one in which alcohol played no part.
It takes a little faith and a little patience.
When you're in despair (or disgust) it's easy to believe that this is the new normal and things will always be this way - but it's just not true
D
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, Mentium.
Sorry you've slipped, but what is important - you are back and looking for the way out. And thanks for sharing and being honest.
I still remember pretty well my early days of sobriety. Those after 30 days were hard - everything seemed to be flat, bleak, drained out of life. Every day was the same. Depression, insomnia, no light at the end of the tunnel..
Sometimes I thought "Why on the Earth do I need this sobriety if my everyday life is more machine-like existence with the same cycle of daily routines and no emotions but despair and awakening pain from the past.
I was desperately looking for a "shot of zest" in my veins, something to make my blood run faster, and my life line go with peak and lows rather than straight line of "emotional death".
Physical cravings were gone by that time (days 40-90, I think), but cravings for some "spice" in life were bad.
I am so glad that back then I somehow managed to bite the bullet and go through hell.
What helped me immensely just keep going was exercising - it gave me those sparks of bright emotions I needed, and, of course,SR - I just lived on the threads.
Then I added meditation, started to sort out some issues in my life - making one step at a time in faith that eventually all this steps will sum up to the new-quality life.
And they eventually did.
I think my body and spirit were so unbalanced, so lost by the time I quit, that they needed quite a time to repair themselves, to "tune up" again, to find balance, to regain strength.
And at that moment my best actions were not to interfere with the healing process of my body and mind.
Maybe, it's like when you have a fever, and you body is fighting a disease, and it is all focused on the process, so you just stay in bed feeling powerless and like crap, but it's the best option for the moment. You surely can get up and rush around - but they will rob your body of the strength needed for the recovery.
Make today your day one. You have this experience now. YOu know what to expect. Use this time to listen to yourself, meditate, find peace that will help you to deal with life issues.
You'll be fine - just keep going!
Best wishes to you)
Sorry you've slipped, but what is important - you are back and looking for the way out. And thanks for sharing and being honest.
I still remember pretty well my early days of sobriety. Those after 30 days were hard - everything seemed to be flat, bleak, drained out of life. Every day was the same. Depression, insomnia, no light at the end of the tunnel..
Sometimes I thought "Why on the Earth do I need this sobriety if my everyday life is more machine-like existence with the same cycle of daily routines and no emotions but despair and awakening pain from the past.
I was desperately looking for a "shot of zest" in my veins, something to make my blood run faster, and my life line go with peak and lows rather than straight line of "emotional death".
Physical cravings were gone by that time (days 40-90, I think), but cravings for some "spice" in life were bad.
I am so glad that back then I somehow managed to bite the bullet and go through hell.
What helped me immensely just keep going was exercising - it gave me those sparks of bright emotions I needed, and, of course,SR - I just lived on the threads.
Then I added meditation, started to sort out some issues in my life - making one step at a time in faith that eventually all this steps will sum up to the new-quality life.
And they eventually did.
I think my body and spirit were so unbalanced, so lost by the time I quit, that they needed quite a time to repair themselves, to "tune up" again, to find balance, to regain strength.
And at that moment my best actions were not to interfere with the healing process of my body and mind.
Maybe, it's like when you have a fever, and you body is fighting a disease, and it is all focused on the process, so you just stay in bed feeling powerless and like crap, but it's the best option for the moment. You surely can get up and rush around - but they will rob your body of the strength needed for the recovery.
Make today your day one. You have this experience now. YOu know what to expect. Use this time to listen to yourself, meditate, find peace that will help you to deal with life issues.
You'll be fine - just keep going!
Best wishes to you)
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Sorry you are struggling.My experience was that it took a lot longer than70 days for me to feel better.
The good news is you have a sponsor,be honest.
I heard that a slip is,sobriety losing it's priority.
Wishing you well.
The good news is you have a sponsor,be honest.
I heard that a slip is,sobriety losing it's priority.
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Yes, I had the same feeling. Honestly, it took about a year to start really changing that. I couldn't get the easy high / lows of alcohol and felt emotionally flat--not angry, not happy,just there.
I am less volatile sober but I really like it now when at first I just felt that I should be feeling more. It just takes time, and 70 days is a great beginning but in the big spectrum of your overall time you've been drinking in your life, not that much time to get adjusted to a non-altered way of dealing with the world.
I think it is great you posted here and I agree with the others--tell your sponsor and get advice and support from them. It's a very slippery slope you're on right now. This is exactly what happened to me in August when I had my relapse. Getting back on track really sucked once I got going with the cocktail hour thing again.
Good luck Mentium!
I am less volatile sober but I really like it now when at first I just felt that I should be feeling more. It just takes time, and 70 days is a great beginning but in the big spectrum of your overall time you've been drinking in your life, not that much time to get adjusted to a non-altered way of dealing with the world.
I think it is great you posted here and I agree with the others--tell your sponsor and get advice and support from them. It's a very slippery slope you're on right now. This is exactly what happened to me in August when I had my relapse. Getting back on track really sucked once I got going with the cocktail hour thing again.
Good luck Mentium!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
I have to agree with the others, in that you should be honest with your sponsor. Also, having really relapsed myself (not just slipped), I do believe that we plan our relapses waayyy before they actually happen. I, too, was able to have a few drinks and then stop....for a while...but soon enough, I returned to my alcoholic drinking (including embarrassing times, blackouts, the whole bit). Why don't you stop now....meet with your sponsor and see how it goes? And...Midnightblue....I soooo love what you wrote! Thanks for helping me out today 
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Just going off the OP and how it concerns not drinking, take 'lack of zest' off the Reasons It's OK For Me To Drink list.
If you don't have such a list make one it's important. On my RIOFMTD list I have no entries and I plan to never add any.
My list of things that make life zesty.. well sometimes it's hard figure out what to put on it and sometimes it's hard to do them. But drinking is something I won't put on the zesty list , it wouldn't really help that list.
If you don't have such a list make one it's important. On my RIOFMTD list I have no entries and I plan to never add any.
My list of things that make life zesty.. well sometimes it's hard figure out what to put on it and sometimes it's hard to do them. But drinking is something I won't put on the zesty list , it wouldn't really help that list.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Eastern Shore of Maryland
Posts: 486
Sorry to hear you are struggling Mentium. I hope you are able to stop drinking again soon and start adding to those seventy days you have already worked hard for. It may be okay for you to feel flat for awhile and get comfortable with feeling that way. I'm not putting too many expectations on myself these days apart from not drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
Thank you all for your good wishes, thoughts, ideas and advice.
I have thrown the remnants of a bottle out. I am going up to town this afternoon to join a gym (exercise/better mood etc) and I will meet my new sponsor as planned and get back on track.
This has been a blip and I intend to treat it as such. Last night I realised there is no going back. I've done all the drinking I want to.
I have thrown the remnants of a bottle out. I am going up to town this afternoon to join a gym (exercise/better mood etc) and I will meet my new sponsor as planned and get back on track.
This has been a blip and I intend to treat it as such. Last night I realised there is no going back. I've done all the drinking I want to.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
You want to add zest back into your life. Take dancing lessons.
Sound goofy? Maybe, but it will take time, you will meet people, you will feel scared, thrilled, embarrassed, proud, sore, strong....you name it. Nothing like dancing lessons to make you feel just about everything you can imagine!
Sound goofy? Maybe, but it will take time, you will meet people, you will feel scared, thrilled, embarrassed, proud, sore, strong....you name it. Nothing like dancing lessons to make you feel just about everything you can imagine!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hey Mentium.
Nothing in nature grows in a straight line.
I benefited immensely from a tremendous amount of support when I first got sober. It was the most powerful thing that got me through my rough times. There's no reason why you can't do the same. Working with a sponsor is a good start.
Nothing in nature grows in a straight line.
I benefited immensely from a tremendous amount of support when I first got sober. It was the most powerful thing that got me through my rough times. There's no reason why you can't do the same. Working with a sponsor is a good start.
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