345908

Hi all,

New to this forum, but hoping that you have some advice.

Background:
I am a 27 year old Anglican and have been married for 4 years. I grew up in an alcoholic home were both parents drank every night. Father was passive, and remote. Mother became very lovey-dovey when she drank. I have a brother also. My childhood was filled with most of the deceit and stressors that you are surely familiar with. It was a very long and arduous time, and I got away from it as quickly as I could. I have a wonderful and supportive wife.

Depression:
I struggled with anger and depression since I was in 5th grade. I didn't recognize the symptoms until much later. I developed habits of introspection and rumination which caused others to call me "wise beyond my age," but it was a wisdom unfit for children. It was not until I was married at 22 that I saw a psychiatrist. I was put on medications which eased mood swings and low lows. Since then I have recurrences, especially of self-hating thoughts, but have been able to keep my nose above water.

Ect.:
More recently I have begun to struggle with increased masterbation and occasional viewing of pornography. I know that is a slippery slope. My wife is now pregnant and we don't have sex often, but even when we do we don't both orgasm. Usually she is just doing it so that I can. It doesn't feel close or intimate. I think that is part of what has prompted porn to my viewing.
Additionally, I have increased my drinking recently. I brew beer, and have had up to 3, sometimes 4 per night. I don't get drunk, but I think I am seeking the care-free feelings I get when I drink. I drink alone, and that has begun to bother me, as I understand that it is a sign of early abuse/addiction. I don't consider myself addicted (I know, denial is the first stage), but I do see it playing a role in my mental stability, which makes me uneasy.

What I'm Doing About It:
I went to see a counselor today. He suggested that I see the doctor to adjust my depression medications, which I made an appointment to do. He also suggested that I attend a "recovery group" meeting, which I will also do. I've attended Al-Anon meetings in the past, but they are often full of 40, 50, 60 year old wives talking about their husbands. I appreciate their perspective, but our experiences are not exactly the same or transferable. I will continue seeing the counselor for the next few weeks.

I'd appreciate any advice, especially as it concerns depression, porn, and addiction. Thanks in advance.

Dee74

Hi 345908

I'm not sure what else I can add - it sounds like you have some things that worry you about some behaviour, and you're being proactive about those things, and putting together a plan of action.

I'm sure you'll find support and input here as well.

Welcome to SR

D

b086

thanks for being so honest. i can relate very strongly to many of the things that you wrote. my drinking habits and mental condition were/are comparable to yours and i have gotten substantial relief through AA. AA is not, though, the only path...just one among many. but the promise of recovery, no matter how you go about it, is probably always the same: a new freedom and a new happiness.

i hope you find what you are looking for on these boards. all the best to you...