does it get any better?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: regina, saskatchewan
Posts: 23
does it get any better?
Hi to all
I just signed up today because I don't have anywhere else to turn. I am in recovery from my drug addiction and when I was told its a life long journey, I didn't understand how it could be but now I am fully aware as to why it is.
I am on the methadone program and for the past 2 years have been slowly weining myself off. I really just need have some support in my recovery because at the na meetings I use to attend were filled with people I used with and its a trigger see them and think about the high I had with them. Also when we talk, some sayy let's go get high one more time. Who are we kidding, we all know that if we did it one more time, we would be back to the bottom of that dark hole we have been trying to escape from.
In the past 13 months my life has been in complete dispare. First was Aug 27th 2012, my boyfriend was severly burnt at work by a fire. He almost died and 87% of his body was covered in 3rd degree burns. I sat day and night by his hospital bed. It didnt even look like him.. The hospital induced a coma and I prayed that he would pull through and be ok. I was not ok tho. I really wanted to drown out the sorrow and heartache I was feeling. When he wascame out of the coma a month later I tried my hardest to encourage him to try and move around and do anything he could to help him strenghthen his body and mind. I could only imagine the pain he felt. As the months came on he was slowly but surely moving along.
On Jan 18/13 I recieved a call at 5:30 in the morning. It was my grandma calling to tell me that my Aunt Barb had fallen down her steps and was hurt and in the hospital. So I got ready and off to the hospital I went. Little did I know how bad she was injured. She fell at one in the morning and her landlord who lived upstairs heard her fall and an ambulance came and took her. She was in surgery for just a little over 5 hours. The surgeon came out and said 100% of her brain was damaged and she may not survive the next 48 hours. I was absolutely devasted. I just talked to her the niggt before and she was preparing herself for a marathon that was happening in the next week and now she might die? I am clise to my aunt, she helped my when I was using. She literally would call around looking for me and show up at ramdom houses I was at and take me home. She saved me. So now I have to people in the hospital that are near and dear to my heart. I wanted my pain to end. The heartache and stress was really eating at me. My 49 year old aunt will never be the same again. She will never beable to eat, walk, go to the bathroom on her own again. Even worse, she will not be able to experience the feeling of becoming a grandma one day when one of her kids have her first grandchild. She always told me she was looking forward to that time in her life.
I was litteraly fighting my temptions to use. I knew if I got higg I could make my emotions disappear. Well at least until I ran out of money. But instead I just stayed at the hospital to read ti my aunt. Wash her hair, trimmed her nails when needed and go cheer my boyfriend on. He was now walking and starting to eat and needed to be hand fed. His hands were burnt the worst. So he needed assistance for everything.
April 16/13, I get a call from my boyfiends brother. He called to tell my that their younger 23 year old brother took his life that night. I dropped the phone. I was in a state of shock. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I have known him since he was born. We were all childhood friends. This was a joke, right? I really didnt know what to do or think. I was at the end of my rope with my emotions. I started calling people to get drugs. I felt I DESERVED some piece of mind and that was the only way to get it. I made the arrangements and went and pucked up the cocaine. Got some needles and was ready to go. I remember sitting in my bathroom and thinking of everything that has happened in the short amount of time. I pulled up my sleeve and was about to go instead I just stopped. I can't tell you why I stopped, it just happened. I flushed the coke and threw everything else away.
To this day I struggle. I feel overwhlmed and stressed out. I feel temped all the time and struggle with sobriety. I know that drugs will help for a short amount of time and make me feel better briefly. I just Dont want to feel ****** anymore. I want a break from life if that makes any sense to anyone who reads this. Please talk to me and help me through. I just want to know if it gets any better then this?!?
I just signed up today because I don't have anywhere else to turn. I am in recovery from my drug addiction and when I was told its a life long journey, I didn't understand how it could be but now I am fully aware as to why it is.
I am on the methadone program and for the past 2 years have been slowly weining myself off. I really just need have some support in my recovery because at the na meetings I use to attend were filled with people I used with and its a trigger see them and think about the high I had with them. Also when we talk, some sayy let's go get high one more time. Who are we kidding, we all know that if we did it one more time, we would be back to the bottom of that dark hole we have been trying to escape from.
In the past 13 months my life has been in complete dispare. First was Aug 27th 2012, my boyfriend was severly burnt at work by a fire. He almost died and 87% of his body was covered in 3rd degree burns. I sat day and night by his hospital bed. It didnt even look like him.. The hospital induced a coma and I prayed that he would pull through and be ok. I was not ok tho. I really wanted to drown out the sorrow and heartache I was feeling. When he wascame out of the coma a month later I tried my hardest to encourage him to try and move around and do anything he could to help him strenghthen his body and mind. I could only imagine the pain he felt. As the months came on he was slowly but surely moving along.
On Jan 18/13 I recieved a call at 5:30 in the morning. It was my grandma calling to tell me that my Aunt Barb had fallen down her steps and was hurt and in the hospital. So I got ready and off to the hospital I went. Little did I know how bad she was injured. She fell at one in the morning and her landlord who lived upstairs heard her fall and an ambulance came and took her. She was in surgery for just a little over 5 hours. The surgeon came out and said 100% of her brain was damaged and she may not survive the next 48 hours. I was absolutely devasted. I just talked to her the niggt before and she was preparing herself for a marathon that was happening in the next week and now she might die? I am clise to my aunt, she helped my when I was using. She literally would call around looking for me and show up at ramdom houses I was at and take me home. She saved me. So now I have to people in the hospital that are near and dear to my heart. I wanted my pain to end. The heartache and stress was really eating at me. My 49 year old aunt will never be the same again. She will never beable to eat, walk, go to the bathroom on her own again. Even worse, she will not be able to experience the feeling of becoming a grandma one day when one of her kids have her first grandchild. She always told me she was looking forward to that time in her life.
I was litteraly fighting my temptions to use. I knew if I got higg I could make my emotions disappear. Well at least until I ran out of money. But instead I just stayed at the hospital to read ti my aunt. Wash her hair, trimmed her nails when needed and go cheer my boyfriend on. He was now walking and starting to eat and needed to be hand fed. His hands were burnt the worst. So he needed assistance for everything.
April 16/13, I get a call from my boyfiends brother. He called to tell my that their younger 23 year old brother took his life that night. I dropped the phone. I was in a state of shock. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I have known him since he was born. We were all childhood friends. This was a joke, right? I really didnt know what to do or think. I was at the end of my rope with my emotions. I started calling people to get drugs. I felt I DESERVED some piece of mind and that was the only way to get it. I made the arrangements and went and pucked up the cocaine. Got some needles and was ready to go. I remember sitting in my bathroom and thinking of everything that has happened in the short amount of time. I pulled up my sleeve and was about to go instead I just stopped. I can't tell you why I stopped, it just happened. I flushed the coke and threw everything else away.
To this day I struggle. I feel overwhlmed and stressed out. I feel temped all the time and struggle with sobriety. I know that drugs will help for a short amount of time and make me feel better briefly. I just Dont want to feel ****** anymore. I want a break from life if that makes any sense to anyone who reads this. Please talk to me and help me through. I just want to know if it gets any better then this?!?
to SR! Yes, it gets better but you have to stay clean to get there. 
Keep on reminding yourself of why you want to be clean and don't get any more drugs. You can do this! 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Welcome to SR
So sorry to hear that you are being tested with so many bad things happening.
I read this a few times and didn't really know what to say,but,wanted to say something.
And that something is to thank you.
Thank you for pushing through and still not picking up again. It shows how strong you are and it gave me a lot of inspiration. I hope you will stay around these boards so that we can help lift you up as well.
I can only hope and say a prayer that your rough sea will quiet and the rest of you journey will be smooth.
So sorry to hear that you are being tested with so many bad things happening.
I read this a few times and didn't really know what to say,but,wanted to say something.
And that something is to thank you.
Thank you for pushing through and still not picking up again. It shows how strong you are and it gave me a lot of inspiration. I hope you will stay around these boards so that we can help lift you up as well.
I can only hope and say a prayer that your rough sea will quiet and the rest of you journey will be smooth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: regina, saskatchewan
Posts: 23
glad to help
I will be staying and talking. I am glad that I have inspired you. I am hoping by talking to others that have struggled with sobriety will help me through mine. I prayer that all the hard times have gone and I struggle to stay strong. Reading others posts and blogs help me and I sometines just need to be told it will be ok. Thanks for reading my story. Talk soon.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Yes, it does get better.
Life brings along whatever it will bring along and we have to do our best to stay centered and keep moving forward. I'm sorry for the tough time you've been having. Have you tried meditating. When you meditate, you can go to a quiet, peaceful place within yourself. It's there all the time and you just need to be still and quiet in order to find it.
Life brings along whatever it will bring along and we have to do our best to stay centered and keep moving forward. I'm sorry for the tough time you've been having. Have you tried meditating. When you meditate, you can go to a quiet, peaceful place within yourself. It's there all the time and you just need to be still and quiet in order to find it.
AlmA
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Marbella Spain
Posts: 714
Dear Taradice,
Am so proud of you that you decided to stop in such a crucial moment...
You must be so strong to stop in that moment...
ones you pop you never stop...
BUT YOU DID IT!!!!
I take my hat to you!!!
your head is making excuses to take... Do not listen to it...!!!
The voice will slows down and getting smaller and smaller...
Just bear with us... you can make it!!!
Maybe read Urge Surging it might help you.
You need to get some tools for when you get the Wave...
But it goes...
keep posting any time you think you are loosing it... please!!
Hope your loved ones getter better...
Best Wishes,
Am so proud of you that you decided to stop in such a crucial moment...
You must be so strong to stop in that moment...
ones you pop you never stop...
BUT YOU DID IT!!!!
I take my hat to you!!!
your head is making excuses to take... Do not listen to it...!!!
The voice will slows down and getting smaller and smaller...
Just bear with us... you can make it!!!
Maybe read Urge Surging it might help you.
You need to get some tools for when you get the Wave...
But it goes...
keep posting any time you think you are loosing it... please!!
Hope your loved ones getter better...
Best Wishes,
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
So sorry for your struggles, Taradice. You absolutely have a plateful. Kudos to you for being so good to yourself and being of such help to others. Things will turn around for YOU and life will get better as you keep clean and sober. Amazing story of triumph you have there, Taradice.
Welcome to SR!
Welcome to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: regina, saskatchewan
Posts: 23
thanks for the hats off.
I know the more I talk about the issues I am having or the urges I am feeling, the easier it will be for me to keep on the rifgt track. Thank you for suggesting urge surging to me. I will check it out. I am pleased to see how quickly people are replying to my story. It makes me not feel so alone. It also makes me see that I am not the only person suffering and struggling with my mind. Thanks to all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Welcome Taradice. You can have confidence that this is the type of place where you'll get feedback. There's always chatter and when you're hurting, you'll always find an ear to talk to. Many of us are here because we need to be, and even more are here because we want to be. You're among friends who understand.
Sounds like you've hit a real rough patch (to put it mildly). You sure have a lot of people to worry about....sometimes it's best though, to put yourself first. Remember to keep your own health and sobriety first - as hard as that might be. Good luck and stay well.
Sounds like you've hit a real rough patch (to put it mildly). You sure have a lot of people to worry about....sometimes it's best though, to put yourself first. Remember to keep your own health and sobriety first - as hard as that might be. Good luck and stay well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 61
You are certainly NOT the only person struggling. I found the only thing that helped me was to get the help of others. Like truly take it out of my own hands...I could not manage it on my own and I didn't have to. There are varying points of view on AA, but for me it's where I found hope, and I was incredibly skeptical about walking into those rooms.
We can do it together. Stay hopeful. You can always go out there and use again...but then what?
Wishing you hope and peace.
We can do it together. Stay hopeful. You can always go out there and use again...but then what?
Wishing you hope and peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: regina, saskatchewan
Posts: 23
I know I am not the only one suffering. I hope I didnt come off as being whiney. Not my intensions at all. I am new to sr and I just wanted to give a background on me. I know my story is only one in a million and I know that others struggle too. Sorry if I was whiney.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
Oh Taradice. I am so sorry for all you are going through but I can't tell you how happy I am to know you found us here, at SR.
Stay around, post, read, vent just don't use. Ever. No matter what. Wipe that completely out of the realm of possibilities.
Stay around, post, read, vent just don't use. Ever. No matter what. Wipe that completely out of the realm of possibilities.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: regina, saskatchewan
Posts: 23
I will stick around. Thank u. I will post often and when I feel the most tempted. I love that I can relate to people here. I can't talk about this with coworkers because of the obvious. They are not addicts. Well as much as I know about them. Here I feel safe and not judged. That gives me piece of mind.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Albuquerque NM
Posts: 147
Originally Posted by Taradice 
I will stick around. Thank u. I will post often and when I feel the most tempted. I love that I can relate to people here. I can't talk about this with coworkers because of the obvious. They are not addicts. Well as much as I know about them. Here I feel safe and not judged. That gives me piece of mind.
Good Work on tossing the hard stuff in that moment! That is some steely determination there!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Taradice, I was both shocked and inspired by your story. I think the fact that you have kept going through this hard time and kept going SOBER (hope I can use that word for drugs) speaks volumes about your strength of character. But of course you are feeling overwhelmed, who wouldn't?
I was struck by the fact that you were able to stop at the last minute with the drugs. You remind me of my DIL who also stopped using; she took a wrong turn in her teens, but she also had something about her that made her stop. I think she has basic self-esteem or maybe the knowledge that she was worth more than the life of an addict. I bet you have that as well.
I'm so sorry about your boyfriend and aunt, and I know how suicide can devestate family and friends. You must be a huge comfort to those around you; maybe you are the next generation of strong females like your aunt. Take some time out to look after yourself, maybe yoga, or meditation, or maybe you could run that marathon? Keep posting on SR; it's been a huge help to me, even though my DOC is alcohol.
I was struck by the fact that you were able to stop at the last minute with the drugs. You remind me of my DIL who also stopped using; she took a wrong turn in her teens, but she also had something about her that made her stop. I think she has basic self-esteem or maybe the knowledge that she was worth more than the life of an addict. I bet you have that as well.
I'm so sorry about your boyfriend and aunt, and I know how suicide can devestate family and friends. You must be a huge comfort to those around you; maybe you are the next generation of strong females like your aunt. Take some time out to look after yourself, maybe yoga, or meditation, or maybe you could run that marathon? Keep posting on SR; it's been a huge help to me, even though my DOC is alcohol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: regina, saskatchewan
Posts: 23
Thank you. I do need to take a break from everything that is happening around me. My aunt I go see almost everyday. I feel when I am with her, reafing to her, talking to her or just sitting there helps me but it can be overwhelming aswell. If I over think of her never bei g the same again that is when it gets hard for me. But I know she would appreciate that I am there and I feel in my heart she does know I am there with her. To help as much as I can. I have never done yoga or meditating before and it sounds like it would be peaceful. Thank u
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